The Reality Of "I'm Fine."

My closest friend once said, "I'm ok." To me, I heard a thousand words that I knew she could never utter.

I'm not ok. When you see me I look ok, but deep inside I'm crumbling. I don't know what to think, say, or do anymore. Why was I given this life? There must be a reason. I can't keep going on without knowing I was meant to be here. I don't know how to help myself, so I try really hard to help others but then it only makes me feel worse. I come off as a joyful person but once I go home you don't know of the hours and hours I sit and cry. I don't know how to tell anyone. I fear that if I tell someone they won't respect who I am as a person. I walk around all day on the verge of tears, but when you ask me if I'm ok I just say "I'm fine".

I can't deal with all the arguments at home and every night going to sleep not knowing if I'll wake up. That's the worse part. Knowing that one day I may fall asleep and not wake up. Who will even notice? Who will even help? I can't deal with diabetes anymore. Why did this have to happen to me? I need a break from needless, scars, the pain. I act strong, my parents never see me cry, but inside I'm dying and they'll never know. Every day I shed tears because I wish I didn't have to deal with the pain, the suffering. Everything sounds sad, this is all I can think about and I just want to be carefree again. I say again like I once was but was there ever a time I was free? Was there a moment where nothing felt like a burden?

I have to stay strong I know but I can't do this alone. Loneliness kills me. I'm alone a lot and I feel like no one understands what I'm going through because they don't even understand my life. Not that I tell them every personal thing about me, but who knows about diabetes when no one I know has it? They know what it is but they don't know what it feels like to give yourself shots. They don't know what it feels like to see all the scars and get tan lines from patches. Once when I told someone I was diabetic, they told me that it made sense. I asked them what they meant and they said it was because of the way I looked... I don't know how to respond to that...

Two words, just two simple words were all it took for me to start tearing up. two words can mean a lifetime, a moment we can never get back. Cherish each moment, and find the deeper meaning in the smallest actions. One hug, one compliment is all it takes to make a dreadful day, a positive one. I thought that the people who hurt the most, are the people that are good at hiding it, but in reality, when has anyone stopped and really evaluated them? When was the last time you really wanted to know how someone was doing, and not just asking out of politeness? Ask yourself, why do I have friends? Because they need me, or because I need them? When we find a balance to this question, a great bond is formed between two people.

I plea you never judge someone from the outside because you never know what they are going through. Know that everyone is fighting their own battles, and you are only seeing the tip of an endless iceberg.