The Fourth Best Friend

This week and for the last few weeks I have been feeling awfully down but unable to talk about it. I have written about my insecurity on here before and know that many people feel the same way.

I am often the first person people come to when they need something , but often left out when people are doing something fun together. This is the fourth best friend scenario , you are tolerated and useful to people, but most people chat and socialise in groups of two or three so that always cuts me out.

Several times I have started writing something about this this week and scrapped it, but there was one instance where mistakenly assumed something bad was going to happen followed by two that unexpectedly lifted my spirits stratospherically, possibly because they were so unexpected.

But this fourth best friend is a construct in my mind. I think no one wants me unless they need something from me practically or emotionally, and I always jump in when people ask me because I need to feel wanted. But then I think, are they doing this to just keep me quiet?

This real answer is a very big NO.

People DO love me and care for me. This started out as a dark , and maybe depressing piece, but I know there are so many positives in my life that just make things worth doing and my friends worth contacting.

On Thursday I was in Hospital waiting for an ECG (which didn’t happen as I’d already done it) before a bike test to check my fitness which also involved an ECG (see picture above) and I got a call from my friend Lynn which I had to reject with a message., so she said she would ring me on Friday before she went to work.

The bike test was two minutes on the virtual flat at a rate of 55 something or other followed by an increasingly steep hill that no one ever gets up , and to maintain a rate of 55 to 60 . It did get very hard and I was thinking do I just ride until I drop or what.

It was getting very hard and the speed was dropping to 50-55 and I got shouted at “KEEP GOING” so I did.

Then the guy said , that’s it, get off , looked at the results , and said that is bloody perfect , great stuff.

I don’t do queuing but need to sort out an annual health check with my GP and they have removed the online option so the phone is the only option , and you always seem to start as 15th in the queue. I had got to ten and then Lybb rang , which meant I lost my place in the queue as I can’t multitask on my phone (well I can but not with calls) and we had a long caring chat and after that I felt very cared for. I know Lynn would do anything for me and vice versa,

There are a lot of people who know why I am doing these hospital things , if you want to know please contact me, it’s not something I am hiding but I am not broadcasting.. My daughters , Fiona , Lynn and work are incredibly supportive.

I am now listening to Nic Jones’ “Penguin Eggs” , an absolute inspiration that I wrote about here and a wonderful man.

So I am positive and in a good place. I know I feel like the fourth best friend most of the time but that is far better than not feeling like a friend at all.

Life is fine and Life is Good.

I have included a video of "Embryonic Journey" the Jorma Kaukonen tune played by Hana Jade Ulep