The Blank Slate of Influence

Being what they call an Influencer, I worship at the altar of Kardashian and sip the nectar of Hilton. I reward the products and services of those who reward me first. I can be bought.

It's not prostitution, it's capitalism. All the people who are admired do it--the Williams sisters, the quarterbacks, and the evangelists. I am in good company. I am not a prostitute. There are some things I just won't support. But...

"Is Pepsi OK?"

"Yes!" A new slogan. "It's OK!"

When they don't ask if Pepsi's OK, celebrate and enjoy your first choice, even if it's Dr. Pepper.

Now the American Neo-Nazi party wants me to influence people toward their way of thinking. Are there no exclusions within my work ethic? There are, but I have 250,000 followers, more than there are Nazis alive today, Neo or not. So I face the ultimate conundrum of capitalism: How far should I go to fill my pocketbook? Not there, I pledge.

And now the Democratic Party wants to use my services. Sure. Will this lead to the Republicans canceling their subscription? Maybe. But then they will be back. It's like selling arms to both sides of warring nations--a win-lose, and guess which side I'm on.

Isis has asked for my influence. They want to be portrayed as philogynists--lovers of women. After all, covering them up only underscores their specialness; and keeping them away from knowledge is keeping them from eating, from its tree, any forbidden fruit. Thus, ignorance is the same as putting them on a pedestal, right? Checking my balance sheet, it's beginning to make sense.

Both Palestinians and Israelis have asked me to weigh in with my quarter-million devotees. That'll be easy--just talk about how wonderful each faction is as if the other didn't exist. Even my smart followers will just choose which side they want to believe--as if the other side didn't exist. Any belief system is merely turning a blind eye.

The Pakistanis have asked my help to put their next-door neighbors into perspective, but India has a billion potential followers. Sorry, Pakistan. But then, nothing I say about India should imply Pakistan exists. And vice versa.

I take personal inventory often: Pepsi vs Coke, Democrats vs Republicans, women vs extremists, Jews vs Arabs, Pakistanis vs Indians, Russia vs Ukraine...which dichotomies matter and which don't. Even werewolves vs vampires--boy! that was a good run! Polarity comes from the same magnet, so true North depends on where you position yourself on the moral compass. Morality is as enshrined in the consciousness of cool as last year's pop star: the pedestal upon which we place our sacred cows is malleable. (With apologies to the Pakistanis.)

Now back to those pesky Nazis. We took care of 'em in 1945, so it's time for another generational ignorance cycle to come full turn. If it's lucrative, it's for me! I can even cross-reference the Palestinians, since your enemy's enemy is your friend--wait, that doesn't work: your enemy's enemy is none of your business.

So, I make it mine.

And business is good. An expert on nothing, champion of the highest bidder, and shit-stirrer of opposing factions with the same offer for both, I still wrestle morally with the Nazis. Today's culture is a video game, and in video games, it's OK to kill Nazis.

And, of course, zombies. "In your head, Zombies..."

I just can't support them. I can't. Even the Kardashians turned them down. Of course, everyone has a price. "How much?"

"In your wallet, Zombies..." At what point does the price rise out of the prostitution zone? Who sets that bar? Why, me. And those little whores, Kim and Paris, of course. How many housewives would consider a million dollars to have sex with their favorite celebrity? How many men would consider a tryst in the stall for the ridiculously right price? Just there is no end to numbers, there is no end to the right price--for anything.

So I guess I haven't changed myself into a whore--just a negotiator. And that, my friends, is what makes me a great capitalist. And a great American, And famous, too--which never hurts, even if you humor Nazis.