The Beauty of Strength

I first saw you at a moment of parting and it was love at first sight, at least for me. You… I don’t think you even saw me.

The military presents both humbling and beautiful moments as well as tragic and heartbreaking moments that are nearly impossible to put into words. A collection of moments. Actions. Comings and goings and random meetings that would be nearly impossible anywhere else.

That fateful morning I was leaving, and you were arriving. I watched you exit the bus that I was about to board and my eyes caught onto your crutches. You wielded them like an extension of yourself, perfectly broken, but unfazed with your situation. I saw your face, with those hard determined grey blue eyes which spoke louder than any scream that the world would not beat you and I believed it. Your determination took my breath away.

You carried your bags on your back despite the crutches without any help even though the shipmates that exited with you might have helped had you asked. Be it pride or stubbornness, you helped yourself, as if you were alone. That loneliness soaked into my soul as if it had been projected to reside there and I accepted it as if I was fated to have it.

There were some sailors alongside me that day that might have argued that there were prettier girls exiting the bus, but your strength gripped my heart and forced me to see a wider world.

I stared after you long after you passed me and had to be prompted to board the bus. Even after I sat down, I looked out the window hoping to catch site of you again and the lyrics of a recent song played through my head as I finally understood the meaning of James Blunt’s song, 'You’re Beautiful.' For I had seen your face in a crowded place, and I don’t know what to do, ‘cause I’ll never be with you.

For months afterwards, I thought of you in passing. I had hoped that you were okay. I tried to move on but for some reason I couldn’t. I did my job, and I had my friends, but I was very lonely with my fantasies of a woman that I didn’t even know the name of. I didn’t date but even I don’t know if that was by choice or by design. I felt like I had to wait… but for what, I didn’t know.

And then when my heart couldn’t take anymore… you walked back into my life. After having finished training, you ended up at the same base I was at. With 40 naval bases, it was literally 40 to 1 odds of us ending up in the same place. More than that if you count ships and I shudder at the thought. I taught you how to do morning colors with the other new arrivals and you paid such attention to me that I thought I would burst. I told you that if you needed anything, to just ask, and I would help if I could, and you seemed grateful.

We were the same rank and regulations would let us date…

If only I knew how to approach you!

You were as beautiful as I remembered, and fully recovered from your injuries, for which I was grateful. My brief conversations with you in the line of duty reinforced everything I had ever hoped for… but I watched you destroy every other guy that dared to approach you in a causal or unprofessional way. You had no place for flirts and once again I respected your resolve.

All of the other ladies on the quarterdeck wore heavy make-up whereas you wore none. They would gossip whereas you would study. They all seemed like they wanted boyfriends whereas you wanted to be left alone. You were steadfast and stoic. Once again, I found beauty in your strength. Your willingness to be alone was both shocking and humbling.

I decided to be your friend. On my breaks, I would seek you out on the Quarterdeck and we had a few lively, if short-lived, debates on what you were studying that day. You were stand-offish but seemed to enjoy an academic debate, given that I wasn’t flirting.

Finally, I worked up the nerve to ask you out on a date. I was shocked that you said yes. I was a nervous wreck the whole week leading up to it. I had no idea what I was doing… which you seemed to realize, and it seemed to reassure you in an odd way that I wasn’t a player.

The date itself was odd yet went exactly according to plan. I laid out all my expectations for a family and a future as if you had been privy to all the months I had dreamed of the future of us. I tried to be a gentleman, yet I couldn’t stand the thought of letting you go.

You took my honestly in stride but was still shocked when I proposed to you on the first date.

You said yes and I nearly choked on the air since I had no idea that would work. I didn’t even have the ring yet, although I planned to use a family heirloom that I had to have my father send to me for the occasion. My mother’s wedding band.

We were married 21 days after my crazy proposal, and we’ve been happily married for 16 years.

We’ve seen the ups and downs. The sickness and health. The richer or poorer. You gave me one child, for which I am forever grateful. We wanted more, but it wasn’t meant to be.

This Valentine’s Day, I can only say one thing.

I love you. And I always will.