The Aftermath of Friendship Breakups

I can't quite describe what happened in detail. Right after we decided that we were done, I erased everything that remotely related to our friendships. I blocked their numbers and social media accounts. I deleted our chat history. I threw out the journal that was my emotional support after our fights (it's actually not a fight since it was them attacking me verbally and I just sat there taking it in passively). Every evidence that showed how close we used to be was discarded: photos, videos, gifts. The first time was painful and long. The second got shorter but not in the least, any less torturous. How could it be gut-wrenching when you ended a relationship you thought would be long-lasting?

It has been four years since my two friendships ended, almost simultaneously. The memories I have of them are jumbled up in my mind. I have not seen them for so long, I'm starting to forget how they actually look like. Maybe eventually forgetting about them is the way to close this chapter of my life. But though the memories start to fade, the pain is not going anywhere. The hurt has become part of me, or worse, what I lean on to navigate any kind of relationship I might have in the future.

The only way is to get closure. But how funny and pathetic would I be to unblock these people and text them that they owe me an apology for the damages they had done.

So here I am, giving myself the closure that is four years too late.

Dear friends,

I don't know if you are still sometimes thinking about what happened as I do. I'd be lying if I say I don't hope you'd feel sorry. I do, very much. I wish you would feel terrible for what you did to me. I wish you knew what a good friend you let go of the moment you manipulated me, invalidated my feelings, and talked sh*t behind my back. But if I know you as much as I thought I did, you wouldn't. You probably would not give it a second thought, because you made me think it was my fault the whole time we were friends, and I started to believe I was at fault too.

For the longest time, I blamed myself for suspecting your intention. I hated myself for thinking you only used me as someone to flatter your ego, no matter how bad you made me feel after our every conversation. You were my sister and my friend with whom I shared intimate stuff. You reached out to me when I needed help the most. You gave me great advice, which I still remember to this day.

So if our friendship went down the drain, it must have been because of me.

But it was not me. It was you.

You were calculated and manipulative. You badmouthed your other friends and painted your ex ugly with hopes of receiving my sympathy. When I pointed out how you could have been wrong, you lashed out at me and gave me the silent treatment, which I did not deserve.

You made me insecure. You crushed my confidence. You had me doubting myself as a human being and as a friend. You told me you were sorry when things went downhill. And the moment I turned my back, you told another friend of ours you felt unfair and mistreated and that I should have been more compassionate and empathetic. You were the root cause of why I got afraid of making new friends and dreaded socializing.

Part of me to this day still wants an apology. A heartfelt "I'm sorry" won't make up for what you did and will never bring us back to the start, but it sure helps me know that I'm not as terrible as you made me out to be. Don't you think you owe me one after the hell you gave me?

But since we have not been talking, and hopefully will never talk again, I won't ask of you that. I'll be the friend I needed and close our chapter myself.

Dear me,

You did your best. You did not deserve the horrible things you had to go through and you are not grateful that they happened. But you are aware that every lesson in life had a price, be it your mental health and self-confidence. You are aware that the past has led you to who you are today, and who you are is wonderful, brilliant, and amazing.

I forgive you for all the self-doubts.

I forgive you for not putting yourself first.

I forgive you for compromising your well-being for the sake of non-existent friendships.

As this chapter ends, you will move on with courage and strength. You will give your future relationships a chance. This wound will take some more time to heal, but you will stop blaming yourself.

Because it was not you, it was them.