Tea and Reflection

Another morning of tea and contemplation with the comforting voice of a familiar tarot reader. Looking at some of the past mistakes that I've made, I notice that karma has sort of played with me in the same way. I just feel like I am not sure what I should do at this point. I keep writing and writing to try and find the answer, but I know I need to just do the thing. Do the thing.

" I think someone wants to offer you a cup of love. " mmm, well I don't really know about that at this point. I don't want to be at the mercy of some guy, and left stranded. But maybe that is just my own fear of my emotions. I have gotten used to crying by myself when things got hard, I kept things quiet. I don't want to fear them either, or anyone really. I just want to feel like I can speak my mind and have my own thoughts freely. Be despised if necessary. I have been fearing them too long. Though late night walks in the street and giggles at guys on mopheads, while good for a destress, frantically crying trying to decide which relative to call today, or who to call today to end my agony of being productive.

Either way, this was my day; I have a pocket full of bok choy seeds and a heated jacket. I forgot my glasses but I can still see the stars. I remember what Dr. Reuther said about keeping electronics out of the bed, but here I am sleeping with a laptop and a mophie charger. Damn.

It is 1:51 am now and I have time to get ready, but here I am deciding to chronicle the mundane.

Such fierce and independent thoughts for someone alone.. No, I am not alone. I am thinking I am alone because I am in this room now, typing. I am alone in the sense that I have no one at this moment to talk to, but I do. I have me, and I need to learn to be ok with that for a bit more before I feel ready to think about love.

" You have all the tools inside you. "

Time is precious, I must spend it wisely. I need to speak up, and do the things. It was a good day today, but I will tip more generously from now on. The world is a mysterious place and I am not quite sure what my place is in it at times. I must explore it more and find new things to do to invigorate my soul. I can't let Pixie Road die in the dark, but I need to take a break. I need... chocolate, yes the chocolate again. I probably should just want to eat some right now or just make some.

I put my clothes in the dryer because I felt I needed to get out of the house today. I don't think it is bad to put it in with the blankets that are wet, my mom did it all the time. Again spending too much time with the tarot cards, but I think I should stop right when I receive the first advice rather than constantly seeking more. The signs are there so.

I do prefer working alone, but I don't think that is an excuse to ignore conflict or working with people. Just because I haven't brushed up on those skills doesn't mean I can get better at something so vital to becoming something more.