Show Up and Smile

I have finally made peace with something in the last week. My complicated relationship with my mother has haunted me for as long as I can remember. Isn't every parental relationship a love hate relationship? Why do I have to live in her shadow? Why is her shadow so large? Why is it so hurtful.

My mother was a bipolar alcoholic who seemed to be addicted to everything. Don't get me wrong, she was beautiful person. As a child, I never felt unloved, not once did I question if my mother loved me. Somehow, even as a small child I knew she didn't love herself. She spent too much money on things that would never be used; the vodka and cigarettes killed the family budget every month. Unfortunately for me, whenever I have a drink, go a little crazy or spend too much money, that shadow reappears. Its a doozy of a shadow too.

My friend Rita would always say to me, “You’re just like your mom.” This statement would always irritate me. I would think to myself: “I’m a better housekeeper, I’ve never relied on a man for money, my work ethic is better, etc.” Any mother/daughter relationship is full of frustrating moments, but our relationship was reversed in my adult life, where I was caring for her and I resented that. I resented it because I felt she could turn it around in two easy steps: get sober and ditch the toxic relationships in her life.

Backing up a bit, on the second date with my ex-boyfriend, he said to me: “I’ll never be successful doing what I do for a living, but it’s my passion” – he’s a golf instructor – “So if you’re looking for money, we can just wrap this up right now. In that moment I said, “I’m not worried about the money, I make my own money.” There was never money in my house, and my parents followed their passions like me ex. Their love of education was instilled in me as well. All of them were right, money can't buy happiness.

But I digress, I remembered how there were hundreds of people at my mother’s wake. There was at least a half hour wait to view the body, maybe even an hour. “That’s how you measure success” I said, “that’s how you know you had an impact.”

Why were there so many people there if she had issues with addiction and her house wasn’t spotless? Toys were strewn through the yard, dishes would be piled up in the sink and most cleaning was accomplished in the ten minutes before company came over. My cousin explained at the funeral: “It’s because 95% of life is just showing up. Just show up. Just give a hug. Just offer a word of encouragement. Just smile at me. That’s what she did and that’s what she’s remembered for.” Never underestimate the power of positive random reinforcement, and never estimate reliability..providing both is quite the trick.

Yesterday, Rita and I visited her grave. It was a beautifully cloudy day. The sun was missing in a grey all day sky - riddled with clouds and the threat of rain. Later, lightening would fork across the sky while thunder clapped in the distance. We were lucky to be dry at the graveside where Rita said once again how much I’m like mother. I didn’t feel any irritation that day. This time Rita said something new. Rita said she kept a man in her life, even if she was poorly treated and emotionally abused, because she wanted him in her life, so badly, she took the abuse. She said: “Susan, you did that too.”

That’s what I always meant by that. I’m finally in a place far from denial. It is true. But now, I want people to remember that I showed up. That my smile brightened their day. That I offered a hug. That I offered a word of encouragement. This journey has been a long one, but you learn a lot on the scenic route.