Does This Make Me Crazy?

The planet seems so unorganized when I wake up in the morning. Like a hundred puzzle pieces have been dumped on the ground, and I spend all day putting the puzzle together. By the days end I only get the corners and edge pieces done. Some days I start working on the inside, putting together what will be parts of a successful future. But right now, I'm only getting to the edge pieces and corners. I feel a lot of progress making sense of the world as the day goes on, but I don't know what happens when I sleep, but it all falls apart. It falls apart regardless of when I got to bed, early or late.

My brain is an inconvenient nuisance at times, but it is better when I get to sleep in. Other days, I don't even get to the corner pieces by nightfall, and I spend my day feeling like my is brain in 1,000 post-it notes with a 1,000 different topics. I can't seem to find the pattern in the notes. I scan over the same notes over and over, looking for order. Eventually something clicks, but usually before I organize the notes, in the past, I would start drinking. I was too buzzed to work on the edge pieces. So my life was like the box of puzzle pieces, no order, no interrelationships between things. I used to think a lot, but that was before I was drinking every day. I was used to the puzzle pieces in the past and fought through them. Now I started drinking.

It's not that bizarre what happens when you stop thinking, especially when you are getting paid to think. If I'm the idea person, I show up at work, all out of ideas. How do you work with that? I got the job that I thought was perfect for me - apparently a job you didn't have to work to hard at. I could finally rest on my laurels.

Through out my career, I did rely on my job for most on my intellectual stimulation, but not anymore. Off work, I read, or scrapbooked, or did stuff with my kids. I went from teaching an honor's program to a dead end team lead order entry position. Once in the team lead position, I lost all ambition. What little remained of my dignity and pride evaporated into a bottle. My world had become tinier the spout I took a swig from. Seeds of Literacy, a free GED program, allowed me ample time to create. However, my shitty work ethic came shining through - from staring blankly at a screen at times, to social media, to smoking too much, to leaving early to get to the bar, to leaving early to drink with my then fiancee, taking too many breaks - my work ethic, or lack thereof came shining through. My work ethic was on shaky ground from the start. My upbringing allowed me to have many, many sick days. I was used to a fourth grade work ethic paying off.

When my ex-husband and I separated, and then add losing my mother, who helped out so much, my job got on shaky ground fast. I played damsel in distress to an extreme. I used negative events to get attention apparently. I didn't realize I was manic, it did get under control the first couple of years at Safeguard. I was working hard and it was paying off. But apparently, my work ethic is not sustainable like some people's. I would look for little ways to carve out downtime, which was not nearly as rewarding as I thought it would be.

I didn't know the signs of mania yet. I am chronically hypomanic, both a blessing and a curse. I didn't know that some people wake up with their brain organized. I didn't know that some people don't have delusions have grandeur. I didn't know that some people don't experience hypersexuality, or a compulsive need to shop. I didn't know what I didn't know.

What I didn't know then, but I know now, is that my medication will not fix everything. I know that I have found purpose in my life, without work, without kids, without parents, without friends at times. I am truly blessed not to suffer from depression - it is a rarity when it happens. I am blessed that my meds are working and are available to me at all times. I am just blessed right now, and I will leave it at that.

Tomorrow I will wake up to puzzle pieces, but at least I have that.