Self Burn Out

How do you feel?

Sick, exhausted. Pulling through with warm tea and pills to dull the headache.

What about mentally?

I think that I think too much. Perhaps. Perhaps I think a normal amount. Perhaps it's a lack of chasing my thoughts that make them overwhelming. Perhaps if I find quiet time to silence my mind, it will all get better. Maybe exercising more will help.

Do you exercise? Does it make you feel better?

I do, even when I don't want to. It hasn't helped my mental health but I feel skinnier. And, that helps me feel like something is going right, even though I know it's feelings based on internalized fat phobia my father worked hard to press into me. Even though I find others beautiful at all sizes, I still have a narrow view of what I should be.

So what do you do to reset your mental health?

Well, I write. I read books. I go on hikes in nature. I eat healthy, fresh food. I fill the house with greenery. Plants in spaces are shown to uplift mental health. I mediate on trusting in fate and setting down the things I cannot change.

Does it help?

It does, a little, while it's happening. But, then I have to return to what's really bothering me. What's really making me unhappy.

What is that?

Oh, well a lot of things. A lot. Things at work, things in the world, and things about myself.

Can you fix any of them?

Depends on what you mean. Most of it I can change. Or at least change my mindset around it so that I can live with it. I'm trying, I really am. Those changes are slow and this time in the middle feels like drowning. Change what you can and accept what you can't. Sometimes that change really isn't what you think it is, sometimes it's leaving something. But, it's so slow and takes a great deal of time and energy.

Is that the barrier? The energy?

Most days, yeah. I never feel like I have enough to pour into all of the changes I want.

What if you do them one by one?

I'm trying. Somethings aren't one by one though. And even then... I'm not really good at focusing consistently. I jump from thing to thing, depending on what I am craving in the moment. But, I am trying to break it down and to allow myself to just go slow. I am trying to carve in structure.

Structure is a good thing.

Sure, sure. But, I had so much of it as a kid, I think I'm just tired of it. Tired of feeling like my life is one big planner. How boring is that? I need excitement, change, and adventure.

Maybe take that adventure is small doses. Maybe don't be too rigid in your plan.

Ah, but you see, this is why change is slow. Without a rigid schedule, things fall into place at a much slower pace. If I don't have a constant finish line to cross, who's to say I will get anything done?

And why must you get anything done? Who's it for?

Well, for me. So I feel happy. So I feel satisficed with myself.

And, if it's takes longer, are you less happy once you're done?

No. Course not. But, I'm stuck with the things that haven't changed until then. I'm drowning.

Then maybe patience is what you need. All good things take time to happen. Maybe you need to just give yourself time.

Maybe. I'm patient with others. Maybe I need that too.