Royal Match

Have you ever played a match 3 mobile game? Odds are that if you've ever owned a tablet or smartphone, you have. But, in the very odd chance that you've been living under a rock since 1995 and have never heard of such things, match 3 games are fairly straightforward. They're exactly what they sound like: you have a grid of colorful tiles, which you simply swap to form a chain of three or more of the same tiles in a row. After you make a certain number of matches required to pass a level, you are usually given some kind of reward - coins, gems, etc. - and move on to the next level.

These games are often great if you have time to kill waiting for a flight, or any time you're bored and want to turn off your brain for a bit. Personally, I've never much cared for match 3 games, as most of the ones you see advertised are never as much fun as they seem (*cough, cough* false advertising *cough, cough*). That all changed, however, when I came across one, particularly well-known match 3 game earlier last year.

Truth be told, I didn't find this app on my own. It came pre-downloaded on my new phone, so I thought I'd give it a shot just for kicks and giggles. Most of the reviews for the game seemed pretty high, unlike a lot of other games in this genre, so I thought, "why the heck not?". Oh, what a sweet, innocent summer child I was, Dear Reader. I had no idea how deep this hole would get, or how complicated my relationship with this wonderful, aggravating, charming, conniving, flirtatious, two-faced, backstabbing, rage-inducing game would become.

Like any toxic relationship, it started out amazing. Each level was fun, with well-made graphics and little gimmicks that made playing the game interesting. It was easy, but it was also just challenging enough that it wasn't boring. There were even little "events" as the game calls them to keep things fresh, allowing you to collect bonuses for completing them so that the gameplay could keep going. The only mild inconvenience was that each level had a limited number of moves, and if you run out it's game over. You also have a limited number of lives, which recharge one level at a time every half hour or so. Still, at this early stage, I was willing to look past the game's shortcomings because I was just having oh so much fun! Level after level I kept crushing it, and soon I'd gotten through several hundred of them. I'd even joined a league in-game, which lets the players give extra lives to their teammates who are struggling to get past a difficult level. Once I got past the first three or four hundred levels, however, things changed... for the worse.

As expected with most games, the difficulty slightly increased with each level I advanced. I had no problem with this initially, as the increasing challenge level kept me on my toes. Around level 475, however, it suddenly went from "okay, this is a little tougher than usual" to "holy shit, this level is absolutely impossible". Just like that. Now, there are different levels of difficulty programmed into the game, to be fair: blue levels are your bog-standard challenge level; red is "hard"; and purple is considered "super hard". Up until this point, the levels seemed pretty evenly distributed - mostly blue levels, with a red level every five to ten levels and a purple every ten plus levels. After that point, every other level was red. Without fail. I swear I'm not making it up. I went from going up fifty levels in a week with ease, to being stuck on a single level for multiple weeks at a time, and it was not fun.

Of course, the game does allow some level of lenience so that you don't rage quit and chuck your phone out the window. If the game realizes you seem to be having trouble, after so many failed attempts they'll offer you extra lives to finish the level... for a price, of course. It costs nine hundred in-game coins to do so, which you earn gradually as you play. The problem with these upper levels though is that it's pretty damn hard to earn coins if you're only able to surpass one level every other week. But, fear not, because there is a solution: you can simply buy more coins. For real money.

I know what you're thinking, Dear Reader: did I actually break and spend my real, hard-earned money on fake money, just to prevent beating my head against a wall on a stupidly difficult level? Yes. Yes, I did. And I am deeply ashamed to admit it.

That's where the scammy part of this game comes in. In essence, once you get past a certain point it practically becomes pay-to-win. In hindsight, I should have stopped playing immediately after realizing that fact, and sometimes I wish I had. Granted, if you work hard enough, eventually you can still beat every level without forking over real cash. It just takes so. Damn. Long. But when I do win, either by cheating or from enduring failure after painful, agonizing failure, the dopamine rushing through my brain is indescribable. Nigh on orgasmic. I have celebrated beating a difficult level out loud and fist-pumping it felt so good. I am not exaggerating.

That's how these games get you. If you think about it, it's basically gambling, because you get that same kind of high when you eventually win. This fact is so blatant, that in a recent update they've added an event that is literally a slot machine. It's addicting, which... honestly isn't a good thing. At all. Especially when you're constantly encouraged to put real money into it. Sometimes when playing this game, particularly when trying to complete a timed event, it feels like a chore. It's just not fun, which is the whole point of playing a game. I've managed to wean myself off playing it every day and spending actual money on it, but at this point I just can't bring myself to delete it. I suppose it comes down to that gambler's fallacy thing: I've invested so much time and money into it, deleting it feels wrong. If I delete it, I'm just admitting I'm another patsy who got suckered into playing it... and I never even wanted to download the damn thing myself to begin with.

To date, I'm on level 1067, and I still play it on occasion when I'm feeling particularly self-loathing. I've realized, however, that if you stop playing for a while and come back, the algorithm is suddenly super nice to you. The game gives you so many bonuses and blue levels back to back to back... which is just a ploy to win you back so that you keep playing, until it blindsides you with a purple level that you spend all your bonuses and coins on to beat. It's a vicious, never-ending cycle, and the game devs know exactly what they're doing. To their credit, though, it works. Like an absolute charm.

My advice to anyone considering playing this game: give it a shot. Like I said, in the beginning it was genuinely fun. When you get close to level 300, though, delete it and download it again. Seriously. Start over from scratch. The gameplay is fairly repetitive the further you get, so it doesn't change the experience whatsoever. It might be annoying to have to go through the tutorials again, but trust me it will be worth it. Your wallet will thank you, and you will be spared the headaches and ulcers this game has given me.