ROOM 1304

Room 1304

The first place I explored

“Here hit this”

My curiosity was yearnin

“Get her some water , her throat is burnin “

“ how does he know that?”

I thought to myself, amazed

As I stared at the red led lights

in a daze..

As I felt this haze ..

come over me

that started to numb the pain

I felt at only 11 in age

Couldn’t wait to get back to school

to introduce my Bestfriend to what I thought was so cool

And at the time

she was already dealing with suicidal problems

So iguess even at that age

I subconsciously thought

my new discovery would solve em

In a rush!

just to find out she already tried it ..

All I could think is ..

“wow this is what everyone’s been hidin”

I wasn’t even a teen

And this wasn’t even no where near half of everything I seen

At only 11 in age

And this was only a fraction of the page

In my book that started it all

Despite the dysfunction

In my world

I still desired to have it all

Probably derived from watching

My sweet sixteen

Or Mtv cribs

Or wolf of Wall Street

Or a mix of it all

But even the wolf himself was a fein ..

On the big screen ..

Behind addiction

He seen a high rise and fell to his greatest fall

Or maybe it was the family friend I witnessed lavished in luxury

While we played in her loft ..

But she didn’t even realize

I also witnessed on her kitchen counter

that Coca Cola soft

Even my heros

that found their purpose

on the outside world

were inside still so lost

The world they showed me could be mine

obviously is bought with a price

But what is the cost ?

At the party the perks are glossed

But my soul has to get tossed

Night out after night

my heart starts to get frost

And the compass of my morality

Falls in a sink and accidentally gets washed

In a blackout

I’m left alone to fix the defects

with missing parts

In the dark

What happens when it’s all over

At the end of the parade

& the mascaraed fades away

& the faded girl wakes up realizing she got raped

It’s crazy

Because the perpetrator watches my Instagram story still till this day

I guess He thinks I don’t know.

He thinks I was too faded for the memories to stay

But the very next day ..

noticing my underwear missing ..

& the liquor on the side of the bed

Will never fade away ..

It will never fade away !

It will never fade away

& the pain I felt between my legs

That gripped my inner thighs

As it the devil himself wanted that memory engraved

It will never go away

It will never go away

But I’ll make sure the pain fades..

& I guess that’s why they call getting intoxicated faded.

“It’ll be ok” “I’ve done this dance a million times”

But when does one get tired of dancing with satan

I’ll tell myself I’m tired of this all the time

But how does one find the strength to soberly face it

My alcoholic addiction only led me to empty conclusions

Created by drunken confusions

Aided by my own delusions

Like ..

over night I found the love of my LIFE

Even though he didn’t care about his own resulting in not caring about mine ..

But that was fine

as long as we can spend some time

& in one night I started carrying double his strife

So depressed I do anything just to settle for less

To be by him..

but tossed to the side

but acting as a wife

Because since 11, livin in a broken home

I believed in a better life

of a family tree and home of my own

Despite that dream I make toxic decisions

And still ignore my intuition

… no clue of where I’m going with my life

Which leads an open door to the devil advocate to sit on my left

while God himself fights for my future on my right

“You’ll never change, look at you your nothing but a mess

& You only dream of making big leaps

But fall short every time you try to take a step “

But the voice in the back of my mind reminds me I’m made in holy image

Equipped for kingdom business

Inherited holy privilege

My creator only intends for the best !

God reminds me not to focus on being good enough

But focus on what he has in store for me next

Focus on How far I’ve come already

even being sober for the past few months

& building my life little by little to be steady

(my Dad always says “small progress is still progress”)

In the gym pushing weight off the scale

& off my shoulders

Because God helps you carry burdens that get too heavy

As I ponder what to type next

Anxiety building

Because submissions only have 2 hours left

Feelings of being blessed

And depression suppressed

Got my demons stressed

Stepping on the devil’s neck

As “submit” gets pressed!

After all I’ve endured ..

ROOM 1304 ..

The first place I explored ..

And the last place ..

to lead me to the Church’s doors

Thank you Lord !