Revelations from a people pleaser

Since I can remember I've always believed that saying "no" to someone was something to be ashamed of. I was raised with the belief that if you can do something to help someone else, then you should do it regardless of the effects that it may have on you. It's taken me years to break this thought process in my mind, and frankly it's still a work in progress; however I have continued to learn and become more comfortable with being uncomfortable.

The curse of the constant "yes"

For years I would agree to do things that I didn't want or couldn't mentally handle doing. I put myself on the sidelines while I tried to help every other person in my life. I missed out on amazing opportunities because I was busy helping other people find their own. I believed for so long that as long as they were happy and reaching their goals and their dreams, that I shouldn't be selfish and try to focus on myself. Somewhere along the way people recognized this in me and began to take advantage of the kindness and support that I had shown them.

Some may call me ignorant or blind to the red flags, but when you live like that your whole life, you don't know anything other than it.

The turning point

This ignorant bliss or perhaps torment was torn down after I began researching psychology and mental health. I began to notice these red flags coming out in countless people I knew, many of which I considered to be my closest friends. Needless to say, it was hard to accept.

Despite the difficulty of accepting that people were using my generosity against me, I was able to truly identify who my real friends were. With the newfound knowledge that I had, I was able to create stronger relationships and bonds with the people that did appreciate and support me. Although this was a difficult time for me, it made me appreciate the people I still had in my life so much more, and those are the people that I still have in my life to this day.

Advice to a people pleaser

-If you sense that someone is using you for your generosity and kindness, trust your gut! You know better than anyone if someone is taking advantage of you.

-It's going to be hard to make this change but don't give up. Don't give in to other people's demands if it's at the cost of your own mental or physical health.

-Practice saying "no". We all have those conversations with ourselves when we're alone, so use them to your advantage. Practice saying no to yourself in the mirror, the more repetition you do with yourself, the more confident you'll feel when saying it to another person.

- Create boundaries with yourself and with others. If you don't want to attend a meeting on your day off, voice it. You're not being rude by asking them to reschedule the meeting to another day. If you don't respect your own boundaries, other people won't either.

If you're a people pleaser and people are taking advantage of your kindness, be prepared to lose people when you begin to put yourself first. Although this will be hard, you will be able to create the strongest bonds with those who stayed.

We're all a work in progress

At the end of the day, all we can really do is try our best. I know from experience that these changes don't happen overnight, it will be an uphill battle to get to the place that you're striving to be at. We have to remember to give ourselves time. Time to learn, unlearn, grow, and practice so that we can work to become the people we want to be.

Remember to be kind to others and appreciate the things that they do for you, you never know exactly what they are putting on the line for you.