Relativity & Perspective

I hadn't been able to put my finger on precisely what has always made me feel welcome in any room, every city, and every country for most of my life until recently... (It only took me 45 years, but better late than never, right?)

It has been my powers of observation, my passion for people-watching and, for better or worse, being a connoisseur of what makes people tick. What has motivated them or visibly filled them with dread? What has assisted them in overcoming a fear, or what has allowed them to stretch themselves fearlessly? Secretly, for the longest time, I have loved watching women who are visibly powerful, fearless and unashamedly themselves.

I realise now that in my mind, I was taking note of the fearless, visibly strong women as they powered through certain situations that would make most of us second guess, whilst other times, I have wondered what I will do when it is my time to overcome similar obstacles.

Relatively speaking, I believe most people learn from what they see around them, hence the very lengthy and worldwide debate of "Nature vs Nurture". For as long as I can remember, I have been fascinated by the topic as an individual and was very close to obsessed when I became a young mother.

Then, as my children grew, they asked me why; at first, explaining my perspective and what I have learned was straightforward, having travelled extensively, even living in multiple cities. Then, as time went by and my kids grew into their teen years and were more heavily influenced by their peers and environment, their questioning of my ways became interrogations that ultimately became judgements. Judgements that felt harsh to me and, in some cases, dismissive even. Those judgements were most felt by the little girl inside me who felt abandoned and still feels left behind to this day. Let me clarify: it is not because of any one person's abandonment; instead, it more often than not came down to being isolated due to illness, being left out of plans due to the possible impact of falling ill, and ultimately, the decisions were always made to exclude me. In the beginning, it was made by my parents, willingly by my family to leave me behind, and later on by friends choosing not to have to ask me to do something they "knew would be too hard for you". Then, later in my life, my kids quickly realised that a lot of what they needed from me to support them would be high risk, so they decided not to tell me or to tell me but to say parents were not expected. Each time resulted in me feeling as alone & isolated as the time before: I was initially excluded for the sake of my older siblings, parents, cousins, aunties & uncles; throughout my entire life each of my various friendship circles, then ultimately by my children, and everyone in their life.

After that, I started to diminish quickly. Ultimately, I constantly second-guessed myself, feeling deeply ashamed and fumbling every interaction, so "out of step", I was no longer relevant. I felt shame that I had been an embarrassment to my kids in public, at their school, at their many school functions & particularly around other families. Did I mention I am physically disabled? Perhaps it slipped my mind, but I have been partially disabled for 30-plus years. Although I was only told to consider myself that five years ago, speaking with my psychiatrist and then each of my doctors and specialist surgeons agreed. However, officially, I was deemed totally & permanently disabled in 2018, 6 years after that one major surgery that went so completely wrong. I woke up screaming in pain and have only managed to think enough in the last six months (I am writing this in October 2023). So, it has taken me some time to acclimate to my physical limitations. It will take me the rest of my life to overcome the mental & emotional trauma of the horrific experiences I have endured at the hands of the bulk of the medical profession.

What does this have to do with being relative? Living relatively comfortably within my skin to be fearless again or perhaps truly courageous for the first time? It has everything to do with it, as well as the time & distance and a shift of my perspective is what has changed and what needs to change again to live my life with laughter and joy. It was always my joy, curiosity and laughter in every situation that had me lighting up every room I entered, sharing my joy and laughter with every person around me, near me even, and that is what made me happy and will make me relatively optimistic again.

Because I know now that what made me so much fun to be around was never my ever-present smile or my sharp wit, nor was it my consistent optimism... It has always been my hope to do better, be better, share my happiness with the world, and be a role model for my daughters. To be happy, we must choose happiness; to choose happiness, we must choose optimism. To do that, no matter what life has thrown our way, we must mindfully recognise each hardship, trial, and difficulty and keep them firmly in perspective. It is, after all, only by maintaining each of our challenges/difficulties/personal hardships within a realistic perspective that our capacity to identify our joy, hope, and even our innate strength continuously fuelling us to reach for the stars, shoot for the moon and rediscover our relativity to everyone and everything around us now and in the future.

What in your life do you identify as needing an adjustment of perspective right now, having read this? I hope that some part of my journey resonates within you, giving you the strength to shift your perspective and freeing you from your own self-made limitations.