Rain

Dear Grandmother,

It’s raining here. But if we're being truly honest, it's never really stopped. Sometimes I don't remember what the sun feels like, it's been so dark and cloudy. There's been every sort of raindrop you could imagine.

Sometimes we'll have light misting and fog, it makes it hard to see clearly and it always feels so cold. We've had several thunderstorms too. The thunder sounds like a war drum some days, echoing, harsh, and unending; it feels like it gets closer with every breath. The lightning isn't much better, it lights up the sky for a moment, but the light is severe and deadly. One bolt struck the magnolia tree you helped me plant, the charred branches and seared flower buds were heartbreaking to see. It had just started to bloom, I was going to send you pictures once it had, but there doesn’t seem to be much of a point now, there’s hardly anything left of it.

The most common type of rain we’ve had is those big droplets that cascade down like the sky is crying. I can hear them pattering on the roof, they keep sliding down the windows and plopping in the puddles. I don’t think there’s a single bit of earth untouched by it. Sometimes I wonder if we’re in a monsoon.

I remember what the sun looked like when it was shining down. The flowers were blooming, and the air smelled sweet, but now all that's left of the starstruck petals are falling down, the roots are clogged with water and the stalks are bent over, nearly in half, the weight of the rain too much to bear.

Those large, desolate droplets just keep pouring down. It feels like the whole world might be crushed by it, caving in under the onslaught. The rain won’t stop though, it just keeps pouring.

I thought I caught a glimpse of sun a few times, when the rain eased off, not enough for the mist and the cold to set in but enough for the clouds to ease, even as we were sprinkled by tiny droplets. It's always warm when it's like that. It happened more often in the beginning but now sunshine and sprinkling are few and far between.

I remember fond memories when it's like that. Applesauce muffins, bubble art on the porch and sidewalk adventures; beach vacations, a yorkie playing soccer, and decorating dog bone cookies; Christmas traditions, the Discovery Center, and a thimble collection. I have a new thimble to add to it, I was going to give it to you as a surprise once the storms had eased up. But the rain still won't stop.

It was misting and cold last Christmas, I could hardly see anything and was scared of running into something. In the fog, it was impossible to tell, what was friend or foe. Everything looked like a monster and the one thing that didn’t was the real one. It’s done that several times now, each one with clouds darker than the last. I don’t trust the peace to hold when it’s like that. Something always feels foreboding and I’m tired of walking around on eggshells like that.

It mists a lot of the time when we came to visit you. It would start with sunshine and sprinkling raindrops but somehow the longer we were there the darker and colder it would get. Till the clouds swallowed up the sun and the mist and fog were back. It would happen when you came to visit too, last Christmas was no exception. Did it feel that dark and gloomy for you too? Or were you used to it? It's been raining near you to I know, far longer than for me.

The thunderstorms, I’ve decided are the worst of it. That tree you helped me plant wasn’t the first casualty of fire from the sky, I doubt it’ll be the last. I'd like to say we haven't had too many thunderstorms but that would be a lie. The truth is we haven't had too many truly terrible thunderstorms and maybe that's a blessing in disguise, but it doesn't make it hurt any less to see the destruction and desolation left behind. It's made me realize that some things aren't salvageable after such a storm, sometimes there are too many pieces left behind. The fallen trees and collapsed houses leave huge indents in the dirt, they're filling up with water now, but even then, some things go too deep to be forgotten.

Do you remember three years ago? I think that was one of the worst storms we’ve ever had. It was like the sky was roaring for a fight and by the end of the week, it got one. Lightning hit our house several times that week and at one point the power went out. The thunder never stopped for a second and the rain kept pouring down. A tree fell on the house and the damage was extensive. We still haven’t completed finished patching up the pieces.

These big, fat droplets keep pouring down. They’ve become the staple. It rained like this after uncle died and its barely ever stopped. It rained like this at my grandfather's funeral too and when I got out of the hospital. It rained like this when great aunt and great uncle died. It rained like this when I stopped believing I was good enough. It rained like this when you made me believe it too. It rains like this when all the hurtful things you told me come back, like muscle memory and I find myself hating my own head.

The rain hasn’t stopped in years and I wonder if it ever will. Sometimes rain is all I can remember when I look at you and me. The puddles are getting deeper, the ground is soaked in mud, traversing it is nearly impossible, and I don’t think I want to try anymore. I’m tired of sprinkling sunny days where the weather suddenly turns. I’m tired of cold misting landscapes where I don’t know where to run. I’m tired of ravaging thunderstorms that tear the world apart and lightning harsh and flashing, cutting deep into my heart. I’m tired of thunder that never stops rumbling and the wind that never ceases. I’m tired of never-ending raindrops falling down from the dark sky. I’m tired of digging holes and drowning just to try and make things work.

I’ve realized all the water pouring down these days is no longer my fault. The rain keeps going no matter what, so I've decided just to stop. Some storms are never-ending, and some wreak havoc and dismay. Some cut wounds into the world and can't be covered up with an apology.

Sometimes rain never stops falling especially between you and me.

Sincerely,

Your granddaughter