Pesticide for Men

I am probably a main attraction at the Hall of Fame for the Humorously Humiliated. It’s no secret. Most boys do some absolutely bonehead things in their pursuit to gain the attention of little girls. Comparatively, the efforts of an adolescent male can be smooth like a peacock’s spreading it colorful tail feathers, or as goofy as a black widow spider dancing for a prospective mate. I have to admit the story you’re about to hear will attest to one thing...I could have put that goofy, dancing spider to shame in my early years of dating.

The first of my bonehead boy antics took place the summer after fifth grade. As I write this story, I can hear Pumba from the Lion King in my head singing, “Oh the shame! Wanna change-a my name!” That’s how stupid what I did was. Regardless, the laugh factor in the situation is through the roof so let’s carry on.

My little girlfriend at the time was everything to me. I mean, no matter what was going on around me I was thinking about her. My mother was grooming a little gentleman, so I made sure to let the object of my puppy love know this all the time. Well, however a fifth grader could do that.

Anyway, my mother’s friend suggested I start wearing cologne because ladies love a man who smells good. His advice was great! However, it is just wrong to give a love struck little by such wisdom so loosely. You have to put perimeters on around that knowledge. Yes, she loved the cologne, but I suffered at least one my cologne initiation experiences and with a simple warning it could have been avoided.

My girlfriend liked the cologne so much that my mother would see me running out the house and say, “Damn, boy. What you do...take in bath in that cologne?” That was exactly my first lesson. One day I got out the bath tub, dried off, and grabbed my cologne off the bathroom counter. Any respectable young man as chivalric as myself keeps it close by like that.

First, I put one spray on both sides of my neck, and one spray on my wrists just as I was taught. Here comes a quick lesson in why it is imperative to follow instructions. I felt the need for a stronger smell, I guess. I sprayed enough in the palm of my hand to make a puddle, slapped both hands together, and slapped my face like McCauly Caulkin in the movie Home Alone. It wasn’t too bad of a sting at all.

That’s when it hit me. People put powder on their private areas to stay fresh, and cologne smells better than powder, I reasoned. Before you know I’m spraying cologne all over my crotch. It was kind of cold at first. Suddenly, it got a little warmer. Then, even warmer. Then..."OOOUUUCCH!" It was like a California wildfire broke out on my groin.

I start splashing water on my crotch from the faucet, but the fire is growing too fast. Too, panicked to think to jump in the shower I grab a washcloth, soak it with cold water, rinse myself, and repeat until the fire subsided. Needless to say, that was a silent lesson that went unshared. Reflecting, I don’t even know why I thought to put it there. I wasn’t using that area at that age.

Moving on that was the first sacrifice I made in the name of romance. It would be soon followed by the reigning king of bonehead antics with cologne. Later that summer, or maybe even that month (kid relationships only last a week or two), I had quit football to spend more time with this young lady. It was close to the time we said we’d meet up outside. Unbeknownst at the time, it was also close to when I’d make a total ass of myself.

I go to perform my ritual spray down and find barely enough cologne for two sprays. I rush to see if I can find some in my mother’s room. No such luck. I call a couple of my friends, but little boys don’t wear cologne. No such luck. Time was running out and there was only one thing left to do. Going without cologne was not an option.

I’d say approximately 10 frantic minutes went passed. I peeked out the window and there she was. I stepped outside trying to semi hide my excitement to see her. We both stared at each other like we were waiting to see who’d smile first. Making sure to be out of the line of site from her house and mine we hugged each other. She stood her tip toes and smelled my neck like always.

“Ugh! Why you smell like that? You smell like...BUG SPRAY!”

She had the most serious, puzzled look on her face. I was embarrassed so an awkward smile forced its way onto my face. I had to confess cause there was definitely some explaining that needed to be done.

What I decided was to read the ingredients used in cologne, find stuff with similar ingredients, and make more cologne. To maintain the integrity of being fully open, I’ll tell you I remember using rubbing alcohol, Windex, and some other random household items. I smelled like bug spray because I used bug spray thinking I could curve the smell with the other stuff and it would balance out.

Needless to say, my pesticide cologne led to the end of that young relationship. She never said anything in that moment, but soon enough I was back in the friend zone. I remember her saying, "I told you dudes that read comic books are weird."

As I reflect on that part of my life I can't help but to laugh. The silly antics of a little boy crushing on a girl surpass all imagination. Live, laugh, love, and have No Regrets!