No.

I was always told I was such a “yes” girl. I was wild, I was free. I did things for me, or so I thought.

What I didn’t realize was that while I told everyone else “yes,” I wasn’t appreciating or listening to myself. The pull between self and society is straining. If you don’t know how to balance yourself, it’ll pull you apart.

I eventually went out and learned who I was, what I wanted, what I didn’t want, as well as understand what I didn’t know if I wanted or not. As you can imagine, I lost almost all my friends when I started putting myself first, meaning I had no true friends at all. But while figuring out who was with me and who was using me, I came up with a few affirmations of “No” that will come in handy to tell myself and others who I am as a person, woman, and Mother in today’s society.

1.) “NO, I’m not going to cover my body because YOU are insecure.”

Learning who you are is partly inspired by how you portray yourself in society. I like to be creative, edgy, always wearing or trying out something new. Either way I am inspired by fashion, by going against the grain. And it caught me a reputation of being “slutty, easy” etc. While I may catch a wild hair and want to be slutty, that’s for me to decide alone. If men are in their world that says they are the only sexual beings, they are sadly mistaken. How is it that men can wear whatever they want and it’s fine. But as soon as women wear a low cut shirt, red lipstick, or tights, and they get classified as sluts?

No. My body is my right. I wear what I want to. It’s not for anyone but me. And women are just as bad at name calling if not worse! I had a cousin tell me I needed to change because her boyfriend was gonna see me for five minutes to move a couch and it wasn’t appropriate.

Now I get not to do it purposely or whatever, but the back story is I had asked her all day to move one thing and she showed up as I was going out to have fun. I am not sitting around and waiting on someone all day and then when they show up, try and tell me how I should dress. I told her no. Simply. My body has nothing to do with the job that needed done. My presence was not going to alter him doing his job of moving it. My shirt wasn’t gonna stop traffic. My confidence in myself is not your concern.

2.) “No. I do not want a Sugar Daddy(mommy)”

Weird that I should have to say this, and maybe im the only one on this one. But I get messages like these DAILY and it gets old. Maybe I look like the type to have one, however, I assure you, the only thing I want is maybe a relationship later or a marriage or a family. I don’t know what about my appearance says otherwise to people. I live for me and what I want to do, can’t live or love for yourself if you have someone paying for your time. I like making sure I have all my finances arranged, apparently they do that for you? Idk. I’m independent, and stubborn. Might just need more details. But also. I don’t like the idea of paying for sexual favors and stuff. Maybe I’m old fashioned… but if I fuck, it’s gonna be cause I find you attractive and not because it’s my duty as a baby.

3.) “No. I’m not going to calm down when you piss me off and expect me not to do anything.”

This is one of my FAVORITE ones. I find when people want to run all over you, and manipulate you, they manipulate you further by saying that your anger or hurt is selfish and unnecessary. It’s not. And you don’t have to take it. If people are in your life and it only benefits them, and they expect you to do more for them than you get in return, that’s an abusive relationship that you should settle or burn. They manipulative and narcissistic behavior will start when you call them out on it. Here’s a few examples.

I had a friend who liked to get drink and then talk a lot of shit about me but then try to be friends when she was sober. I ended the friendship after I helped her nurse herself to health after a car accident, and then she said I never helped her and that I was the manipulative one.

My mother, who was abusive towards me and chose a man over her children for YEARS, will say she’s not fighting for a relationship that she destroyed. I told her that the phone works both ways, a car works both ways. She has no children in her home and I have medically fragile Twins. It’s not my place when she’s my mother and she broke that relationship.

My Father, chose an alcohol addiction over his family even though he is disabled. When he gets drunk, he likes to message people and make Facebook posts that talk about how no one helps him and how he’s always dying. This one is the hardest to break. I was a child trying to raise my father when my father should’ve been raising me. I have the tendency to always try to fix things, make them better. It’s a weakness to kind hearted people.

But if you don’t learn to say no, relationships like this won’t just fizzle out. Like a volcano, all these feelings sit dormant until you can’t take anymore and your feelings erupt into catastrophic damage to yourself.

4.) “No, I’m not going to be quiet, I have ideas, stories, and memories to share.”

Ever heard the saying “Ladies are to be seen and not heard.?” Well, I ain’t no lady. I like to laugh, I like to sing, and I love to both make memories and talk about those memories. I’m loud too. I laugh loud, and make mistakes loud, there’s nothing about me that’s quiet. You gonna see me, but you’re damn sure gonna hear me.

Having fun, being loud sometimes, getting dirty, that’s how you learn some of the most valuable lessons. By going and doing. Learning. Just living and letting live. I’m loud as a vessel for other people to get loud, and enjoy themselves, or to at least be vocal on issues you don’t agree with. Loud enough to be a voice for the unheard, for the ignored. I will not go ignored.

5.) “No. I don’t need to eat more or less. I’ve lived in my body for it’s whole life, it has been more than enough.”

This is one of my biggest pet peeves. I have always been small, petite, what I’ve felt like average all my life. No. I don’t have an ass for days and I’m okay with that. Women in generally are more insecure than men when it comes to weight and appearances BECAUSE OF SOCIETY. I’ve had people come up to me and be like “oh honey, your so little, I’d crush you,” or “you don’t look big enough to have twins.” And my favorite “Don’t you eat darlin.?”

Well even though it seems impossible, I do have twins that I carried, I do eat, and I’d like to see you try and break me.

It aggravates me though because I feel like It’s never enough. Either you’re too big or too small. Either you could gain a few or lose a few. Either your healthy, and chubby, or you’re on crack. How is that fair?

Also why is it considered rude for you to comment on a heavier girls weight but it’s not considered rude to say stuff like that to a petite woman? ITS THE EXACT SAME! Leave me and my weight out of your comments. Stop with the comments about women and their size. My brains fat enough to carry me through life, leave my ass alone!!

6.) “No, I don’t think I have too many tattoos.”

It’s art and expression. And hey, at least I know how to sit down and be still for 5+ hours. I’ll do what I want and either admire them when i’m done or shut up. Again my body shouldn’t be an issue for anyone other than myself.

7.) “No, I’m not going to filter myself for you or anyone.”

Life doesn’t have a filter. I may cuss like a sailor and say what’s on my mind, but at least I’m no sheep. I’m no victim. I say what’s on my mind in the moment and worry about it later. If something bothers me, I’ll address it. I’m a real person with real feelings and real issues that I have to deal with. I don’t hold anything back, whether it be words, expressions, or emotions. Honestly if everyone said exactly what they were thinking and feeling without a filter, the world would be a more transparent place.

8.) “No, I don’t want to send you nudes.”

Where to even begin on this one. I’m a model, I make content, I take pretty pictures, and some of them are a little revealing. I’m an adult model, and I get paid for my content. I send what I want to who I want and they either receive it or they don’t. Call it what you want, but it’s not all nudes all the time and I am more than just my body. I don’t want to send you nudes, I don’t want you messaging me “hey” a million times to get my attention and I don’t want your unsolicited nudes either.

My body is my choice, to share it with who I want to and to do with what I please.

9.) “No. if I invite you over, it doesn’t mean sex is involved.”

Like I said, I’m pretty transparent. I’ll let you know what my intentions are. Do not try to come over and pressure me into things I don’t wanna do in my own home.

Also, why is it that women can’t invite people over to their house just for fun and laughter. Why does it always have to be “seductive” and intentional? Maybe I want you to come over and watch conspiracy theories with me so we can discuss them. Men thinking that they can’t have female friends without fucking is tragic.

Like I like to hunt and fish too. I like sports, like football and basketball. I’m a big horror movie fan. I love just riding around or hiking. Being in the mountains or just drinking and bullshitting. My intentions are to have a good time and learn new things. I could be the life of the party and come home alone. Life isn’t all it’s about your sex life and you’re gonna be set up for disappointment if you think so.

10.) “No, if I do go out and let off some steam, it doesn’t make me any less of a Mother, girlfriend, etc.”

Let me make this loud for everyone in the back, cause that’s what I do:

YOU CAN GO OUT AND DRINK OR PARTY OR JUST DO SOMETHING WITH FRIENDS AND IT BE OKAY.

You’re still a good mom, still a good girlfriend, still a good friend.

The fact that people think women can’t be both home makers and their own person frighten me. I’m a DAMN good mother, a hell of a friend and I still go out. That’s because when I’m home, I’m home and when I’m out I’m out.

My children MAKE my home. Without them in my home, it’s just a place to stay. Why would I wanna be home alone when my children are with their father? What would I do at home alone, twiddle my thumbs?

I’m a social being, I love being friendly, I love making people smile or laugh. Just simply enjoy themselves. I like to dance, sing, talk, just be sociable. I can go out and be my own person. I can have a life outside of my children and my home. I can have friends of all sorts and sizes and still be a faithful girlfriend or wife. Just because I have children does NOT make me any less of the person I was before. I just have more true love in my heart, and in a way, I’m satisfied with that love enough to know who I am both in and out of my home.

11.) “No, I do NOT care who likes me and who doesn’t. I know who I am, and I am NOT for everyone.”

Most of the time people only dislike you over something someone else has said about you and not who you are in general. Some people are insecure with themselves and take it out on you. Some people only want to cause chaos and hurt in the world. That is not who I am.

If they do not come to me and try to learn about who I am as a person their self, there’s nothing I can do to fix that. I try to know and love people for who they are. I do give people chances to know and understand me as I do for them, I am not everyone’s cup of tea, and I shouldn’t worry about who is too blinded by other peoples judgment to know me.

That is and always will be their loss, I have to accept that my feelings come first to ME ALONE, and try to have compassion for the people who walk through life blinded by the words of others. That’s not me.

12.) “No. I don’t have to choose between being a dreamer and being a mother.”

I can have my own dreams and pursue them and still raise my own babies. In a way, my twins helped show me that anything is possible with hard work. My sons are living miracles who have shown me in three years what some people fail to show me their whole lifetimes. Some wise words In the movie Turbo: “No dream is too big, and no dreamer too small.” My dream is to give my sons more than what I had, both familial and in their daily lives. Whether I write, or sing, or just bartend on the weekends, my journey through life is to pursue my life with my sons and dreams of when I was a child. If anyone else can, why can’t I?

I can do both. Because I am a superhero, at least in my own story.

And because I have these dreams, I had to grow into who I am. I had to understand the difference between what I wanted and what people wanted for me. I had to realize that the only person entitled to me and my life, the decisions I make in life, is ME. I had to learn to hold myself accountable for both failures and successes. I hope this helps you do the same.