Nikki Grahame Saved My Life

Nikki Grahame saved my life. There's no other way to put it. For as long as I can remember I have struggled with food, and after watching Channel 4's Documentary Nikki Grahame: Who Is She? (2022) everything in my life changed. Nikki Grahame saved my life from beyond the grave.

Since I was a child I had always struggled with food, I don't know when it started, or how, but I'm really good at it. I can skip meals as if I am fasting, or protesting. I can purge well. I've always known something wasn't right with my relationship with food. When I would explain to people how when I eat, sometimes mid-meal my body will reject the food, despite it being something I like and was enjoying. I didn't know how to explain this to anyone, especially my friends who would pile their food onto a plate too small.

For this reason, all my life I have had to deal with people calling me 'skinny' or telling me to simply 'eat'. As if I didn't want to eat? Of course, I do! I'm bloody starving, my stomach is growling but my brain says no, not today, we ate yesterday so just ride out the nausea; have a coffee that helps. I was on a break at work one time and a colleague of mine felt the need to tell me that her fella likes curvaceous women and would find me and I quote 'disgusting', this still rings in my ears.

I have been underweight my entire life, (I have cerebral palsy so it's not a surprise to have other medical problems but), I was nearing the point where all my bones were becoming more and more visible. I would wear baggy clothes to try and hide this. None of my jeans fit me anymore, so they just got baggy-er and I couldn't cut more holes into my belt. I was tired all the time, but it saves money. I thought after having my son my eating habits had changed. I was wrong. I relapsed badly and didn't do anything about it.

I didn't know how to explain to people that I didn't really like food. Especially a medical professional, that is why I never have. It's hard for people to comprehend. I don't really understand it, but the world is out of control, everything is spiralling my anxiety is high, my depression even lower, and I cannot cope with the never-ending nightmares as I succumb to my PTSD. I can control food. I can control food.

It is so much harder to gain weight than it is to lose it. I just wish people wouldn't point out my size or ask me how I stay so skinny, when all I want to be is healthy, not underweight, and not encouraged to adhere to unrealistic beauty standards. As women, we are either too fat or too thin and in the world of social media, this is only worse. I can't control this, food it is.

When I heard the news of Nikki Grahame's sudden passing (9th April 2021, aged 38), I would genuinely sad. This was a TV personality that I had watched as a young child of eight on my screen. The iconic lines of 'Who is she?' and 'it's so cold Big Brother' will live in our heads rent-free (those who grew up in the U.K. that is). Nikki Grahame is a true British icon. She is my hero and I owe her everything.

When I discovered Channel 4's documentary I had no hesitations in clicking play and I am so glad I did. It was when Nikki is talking to her therapist and she says something along the lines of "I'm really good at it, I'm just good at not eating!" and that was it. The air around me swallowed me whole, it was as if time had slowed down and I was clinging to every word, every second, every bit of pixel that was on my screen as if a lifeline. Nikki's mother Susan is a remarkable woman who I also admire, and her bravery was exactly what I (and I'm certainly sure many others) desperately needed to hear. I didn't want to die.

Once I had finished the documentary, I just wanted to cry. Everything I had already thought about my relationship with food had been confirmed. It terrified me in a way I have never been so scared of. The damage I had done to my body, my mind. I have a son now, he cannot adopt the same habits. Monkey see monkey do. No, I can't let that happen. I can't stop thinking about Nikki, and Susan. I can't stop examining the visibility of my bones.

I began to learn how to cook from scratch. Things like Hello Fresh, Gusto, and my personal favourite SimplyCook helped me in a cognitive behavioural therapy sort of way. I fell in love with food, making it fresh, with cheap ingredients. Discovering dishes from all over the world in the comfort of my kitchen. To then show off my new dishes to my friends which is always received with positive reviews. It has really helped me. I'm at peace when I'm cooking, the aromas, spices, and herbs. I love it! Seeing people finish their plates a sense of achievement. Finishing my plate is a personal victory. I can control this.

If you're like me and didn't know what to do, or where to begin please don't do what I did. Speak to a doctor, nurse, or anyone. Please. If you're in the U.K. ring 111. I began with small portions but try and eat regularly. I ate what I could and served up what I think I could eat. I didn't push myself or force it down my throat. I took my time and ate bit by bit. I set myself timers so I wouldn't forget. I believed I could beat this, and I am currently winning.

There has been a recent opening for this type of discussion and this is my contribution. I have never really spoken to this about anyone, and now I feel comfortable and ready to face my inner demons. I have gained weight, I am more proactive, and I feel great! I feel healthy. I just have to keep going. Oh and I don't even need a belt anymore - another personal victory.

If it wasn't for Nikki Grahame, her mum Susan, or Channel 4's documentary, I'd probably still be losing weight rather than gaining. So thank you, Nikki, you saved my life and may you rest in peace like the legend you are.

You can watch channel 4's documentary here on All4: https://www.channel4.com/programmes/nikki-grahame-who-is-she

If you are struggling with an eating disorder or think you may be suffering, Beat is the U.K's leading charity helping those with a range of eating disorders. It's time to start wanting to be healthy and feel good within: https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk