My Confession is That I'm Afraid of Relationships

I wish my confession was one of the funny or cute ones like I burped in my boyfriend’s face or I fell on a date. Although the latter has happened to me (right as my then-boyfriend was about to kiss me), I’m going to share something that leaves me feeling vulnerable and embarrassed.

My confession is that I want to date, but I’m not sure I know how to date anymore. Sure, anyone can download an app and swipe until they find someone who they consider to be suitable, but even the thought of dating fills me with anxiety. I hate admitting this out loud or in this case, in print. Whenever someone admits that they want to date or want a significant other they get labeled as desperate, a loser even. It’s as if people expect others to magically find the one person meant for them. I cringe whenever a friend or family member asks me if I’m single. Why? Dating is something that most people do. We as humans have a fear of ending up alone, and I do want to find a compatible mate.

If dating’s so common, why am I afraid to put my desire for a mate out into the world? Well, because one of my previous relationships left a lasting mark on me. He was the type of man who counted my every calorie. He made comments whenever I strayed from the diet that he thought I should be eating. He always claimed that he was concerned for me, but it was his selfishness that made him say those words. He was also the type of man who punched a hole in the wall of our apartment, so you can imagine how well our relationship turned out.

After that relationship ended, I avoided dating to work on myself. In the beginning, I couldn’t bear for anyone to hurt me as badly as he had. They say you don’t truly know a person until you live with them, and that statement had been true in his case. He led me to believe he was a good person, only revealing his true nature after he felt that I was stuck with him.

It started with little things, like him lying about the fact that his dad paid his car insurance, but it soon snowballed into him becoming an abusive monster. After the relationship ended, I felt as though I had been destroyed by the man I had once loved. I had no hobbies or interests and I was starving myself because I didn’t think I was pretty enough for someone to love me. In reality, he was the ugly one because he treated me as though I was less than a human and somehow not worth his respect.

After recovering from the emotional scars he’d left behind, I realized that I am wary of relationships. I’ve ended up pushing away every man who is/was interested in me as soon as I become privy to their feelings for me. I know I’m doing it to protect myself, but how do I stop myself from pushing away the ones I am interested in?

There’s another nagging thought in the back of my mind: I don’t want to fail again. Many breakups are life-changing, with people having to uproot their life in order due to their change in relationship status. That was the case with me since I didn’t know who I was without him. I had to relearn all my hobbies and interests, and even now I know it’s not the same.

Sometimes, the uncomfortable thought that I’ll be alone forever crosses my mind, and I’ll even wonder if I wasted all my good years on a man who didn’t care. There are days when I think about creating a dating profile, but my anxiety always stops me from doing so. It’s also nearly impossible to meet people the old-fashioned way, and I’m not as social as I once was. So where do I go from here? How do I find a significant other when I’m afraid to?