Motherhood is a Mindf*ck

As I sit down to write this I have absolutely no idea how it’s going to go. It’s completely unplanned but I need to get my emotions down. This is raw and honest motherhood, and this paper I’m writing on is my therapist.

I’m not quite sure when everything changed or in fact if there was even a specific reason for it. But what I do know is that something has changed, and it’s my little boy. He has suddenly over the last month changed from this loving little boy who doesn’t listen to a word we say to a not so nice little boy who doesn’t listen to a word we say. Don’t get me wrong it’s not like he was 100% sweetness and light before but at least it wasn’t quite so bad. It’s got to the point where seeing the light at the end of the tunnel feels impossible and with each setting of the sun I feel like I lose a little piece of my soul.

Does that sound over the top? To me it does, yet that’s exactly how I feel. It probably doesn’t help that he is starting school this September and we didn’t get our first choice. I’m anxious about that and I know he can probably sense that. Enter mum guilt, on top of everything I now feel super guilty too. It’s a vicious circle. But, I’m my defence I haven’t been able to visit the school he was accepted at and for a number of other reasons. I can’t stop worrying about this tradition. To be fair it will probably be worse for me than him. I just can’t help but add this anxiety to my already full brain.

Part of me feels like I have failed him as a mother even though it’s completely out of my hands. I’ll just have to remind myself that life has a way of working things out. Which of course is easier said than done.

Anyway, getting back to the main issue. My child is driving me crazy. I feel absolutely exhausted. So not only is there the school anxiety but every single day is a battle of wills and I am losing. As someone that has always been very stubborn this is hard for me. I can be stubborn to pretty much anyone and yet when it comes to my four year old I melt like an ice cream on a hot summer day. What’s worse is I think he knows it.

What makes this whole thing even worse is that when he is out or at nursery he is an absolute dream. Get him home and to be totally honest world war three has got nothing on him. Sometimes he will have a full on rage for the smallest of things. It’s tiring and exhausting, especially when you have no idea how it even started.

Enter blame. I feel like I am constantly asking myself what I am doing wrong to deserve such a reaction from him. What can I do better? Can I be more patient or understanding? I honestly don’t think I have ever wanted to read someone’s mind so much in my life. I would do just about anything to avoid the screams that threaten to crack the walls of our house.

So I asked my Aunty for help. She works with children and explained more about children’s emotions to me. It seems my child is a people pleaser. He is as good as gold when out of the house surrounded by other people. And even if things annoy or frustrate him he doesn’t react but stores that energy.

Think of it like a bottle of fizzy pop. Each time something happens, shake the bottle but don’t release it. This continues to happen over hours, days, weeks until finally you take the top off and create an almighty explosion. This is my son. He comes home to his safe and loved home and feels comfortable to let it all out. All his stored up emotions. Which at just four years old are a little too much to understand and deal with.

Now I have a new plan. To talk and discuss emotions with him. Ask him to tell me how he is feeling, put up an emotion chart and above all make him feel comfortable about talking about his emotions and why he feels that way. Provide that emotional safe haven.

I’m not saying it will be easy and that it won’t take time, but I can see light cracks at the end of the tunnel again and I am ready to step into them.

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Thanks for reading. We hope you enjoyed it and that it helps you in some little way. Charlotte and Laura are super grateful for your support!