ME. Hello.

So... How does one live in my situation? What's my situation and what makes it unique from everyone else's? Not much. I mean how many reading this are on Methadone? Or have several medical issues that truly prevent you from working, yet you can't seem to get disability. But you also feel disability is for losers. Because that's what you were programmed to think. It's for lazy people who don't wanna work. That's what I always thought. Oh, how humbled I have been over the last few years. Lemme explain.

I'm a whopping 42 years old. Who came up with that anyways? I'm level 42. Yeah! Doesn't that sound much better? At least to us older folks. 😁 Anyways I'm divorced. I live with my x girlfriend. Go figure. We got together in the winter of 2012. I got hurt in 2013 lifting a heidabed with my dad (who actually HAS a broken back) and I couldn't climb in and out of the cab and hook and u hook semi-trailers as I did. I was a truck driver. Oh, I loved it!! When I was a little kid I was both terrified and mesmerized by big trucks. As we would pass them on the highway, which wasn't often, I would freak out my mom said. And I mean on a 4-way highway, like passing one on the interstate. Where I grew up the closest interstate to us was about an hour away. I grew up in a small farming community. My graduating class was like 75. And that's even considered big for around where I grew up. My x wife and high school sweethearts graduating class was like 20. She lived in a town about 10 miles away. But I always said, "I'm gonna drive one of those when I get older" I guess that one stuck and the aspirations of me being a fireman, Astronaut, cowboy, policeman, I was a soldier but very briefly, and all the other things I aspired to be as I age. But the truck driver and astronaut stuck with me.

Not feeling too great at the moment. Today is Saturday, August 27th. I feel nausea and a lot of gas bubbles. I've been Constipated for about 2 years now. 🥺 I have to keep it 'soft' so I have to take 2 capfuls of Miralax, 2 relistors, 2 Colace stool softeners, and a few big gulps of Lactulose every night around supper time. I just eat once a day. I try to keep my colon as empty as possible. I went to several stomach doctors before I finally got handed off to Dr. Darcy Shaw, a Proctologist, out of Kansas City, MO. He orders three tests. A sitz Marker where I couldn't take my "stool regiment" I call it, for a week. The nurse at my last visit before we started this said "Now it's really Important that you do not take your stool regiment this week. We have to get an accurate assessment. Like to tell if it's gastroparesis or what could be going on" and I assured her I would do so. I'm taking my health seriously. Now. More on that later. I made it to day 5 and I just couldn't do it anymore. My lower back was throbbing with every heartbeat, which is a crazy thing to try to get used to, my right side hurt badly. I just couldn't. So all I did was take one capful of Miralax. And I didn't go but did help soften things a little. But for 7 days every day but one in the middle I had to go have an x-ray of my stomach to see where the rings were and how far they traveled. That was test 1. Test 2 was a defoagraphy. Where I went it, layed bottom exposed on my left side knees bent up as the shoot fake poop up my rear end. Then once I was good and full, they tilted the table into a sitting position then they watched and monitored as they told me to push it out. The third test was pelvic floor exercises for 6 weeks. Once a week I would drive back to Kansas City, MO, where all these took place, it's a 50-mile drive one way for me. Not bad. But I would lay on a table and a very pleasant lady would stick a device up my rear. Then they would dial in the shocking pattern it would do every 10 seconds for the next 10 minutes. Then at home three times a day for about 10 minutes, I would practice my keigles. Pelvic floor exercises where you squeeze your butt hole as hard as you can for 10 seconds then let up for 10 seconds. Repete. After the 6 weeks, I met back with Dr. Darcy Shaw and we set another course of action and told me what he felt was wrong. This gets a little gross. Fair warning. But It's My reality.

He said my anus which we will refer to from now on as 'barn door' isn't opening properly. And also... Doesn't stay closed property either 👀. He said we can try more medicine, do anal botox (which apparently is a thing), or a colostomy. In already on 9 prescriptions so I don't want to add any more pulls. Let's try Anal Botox. Let's back up before we got here and I'll tell you what all my GP had me try when I first reported issues. Because I am on 230 mg of methadone (pain related now, more on this later). I've been on Methadone since the spring of 2011 and for 9 years I think it makes me Constipated four or five times. I would eat three or four pouches of double-fiber oatmeal and be 100 percent fine in a few days. But that all stopped working back in 2020. We tried medicine. Both OTC and prescription. This was a time I was in bad pain most of the day for a good three or four months. Fighting disability. Them saying I can work but not understanding the amount of pain I was in. Debilitating nausea that I still get. I did 1 and 2-liter enemas, regular enemas, I drank that nasty stuff in the glass bottles that are supposed to make you go right away. I could drink 2 and a half gallons of water in like two hours and nothing would come out but pure water or liquid. But all the x-rays would show I was severely fecal impacted as the lady on the phone told me. At one point I had 6 x-rays in two weeks. Went to ER once because my side was hurting so much. And this is ONE of my medical issues. Let me tell you the others.

• Type II diabetic

• Diabetic Neuropathy

• Small fiber neuropathy

• Ibs-C

• Anal Fischer issue ( barn Door)

• GERD & Acid Reflux

• Heart Palpitations

• Multiple herniated disc's in the lower back. (this is the one from lifting that sofa in 2013) I cannot stand, walk, run, or do anything on my feet longer than 10 or 20 minutes now. Depending on the severity of what I'm doing. When I do my lower back begins to ache. And my legs {which my upper thighs and tops of my upper legs are numb at all times for the last 8 years} will turn into what feels like concrete and I'm lugging around concrete. Eventually, the more I push and the madder I get, they just quit working. Like falling asleep. Same with sitting. The undersides of my legs burn.

• Anxiety/depression-I think the trouble with my now x girlfriend and me, the emotional abuse and narcissistic behavior I put up with from her once she seemed me useless. And never failed to let me know this if we were disagreeing. I think this will go away when/if I can get my back fixed and back to work Or proof enough for disability to say I deserve it.

I feel a little let down by this country. I signed on the dotted line to o

Protect her. I always had a job. My disability lawyer Said I have 40 work credits and at my age that's excellent. Proved I've always worked.

I'll try not to jump around here and lose you. I tend to do that. People are always telling me "Eric guy write way too much" or roll their eyes when they see its from me with a book attached 😂😉 But I feel the person I'm writing to needs to UNDERSTAND why I arrived at the decision I did to better understand WHY I did what I did. That's covering your bases. Most people just see it as jibberish. But not everyone. The biggest nuggets can be found in the smallest of in between.

So back to my 'barn door' issue. The best way I can explain it is like this. Say today is

• Monday- and I'm starting good and empty. I feel great (stomach-wise, could be a bad body burning day, with the other issues and all)

• Tuesday-All is still good. Went to the bathroom 3 times but just liquid

• Wednesday- Today is not so great. I'm starting to get a little Nausea (4/10) and gas (5/10) Went to the bathroom 4 times but just water. Tried a regular enema but to no avail.

• Thursday - really not feeling it today. My stomach feels bloated. Nausea (7/10) and gas 7/10) have picked up. Went to the bathroom 6 times today but all liquid from my "stool regiment"

• Friday- really hurting today. Gas and nausea are both debilitating (8/10) Explosions in the stomach from gas. Bad pains in the chest (has or heart cause I have heart issues too, but this one was gas. I can kind of tell) I went to the bathroom 4 times and on the 3rd one, I got prob 20% stool out. But until I get more out in going to keep feeling bad day by day as the days build up.

• Saturday- WOOHOOOO Today I got up and went at least a good 79%. Nausea and gas are completely gone. I don't feel bloated or have food trying to find back up my throat or the dry heaving from nausea.

And now see it ALL starts over. So Sunday and Monday I'll probably feel OK {in the stomach part, remember this is just 1 I'd 5 pretty important issues going on) but then Tuesday and Wednesday when I start getting backed up again... Here we go all over again. Sometimes I might be lucky and come Tuesday just as it was starting again I was able to pass actual stool and not water and ill feel good in this area for a week!! Which is very rare. Usually, it's the other way around, of course.

So this is where I'm currently at with the stomach thing. Friday, August 12th at 0900 we made the 79-minute drive to the outpatient surgery center in Kc, MO. I was all strapped in and IV was ah dripping and one final check of my Blood Sugar besides the did the anal botox... But my blood sugar was like 489 so Dr. Shaw wouldn't do the procedure. I understood. So now I have an appt with my diabetes doctor next month. Dr. Shaw said to see her first then call and we will reschedule.

So that brings me to another health issue. Uncontrolled diabetes. And you can do the diets and exercise and your blood sugar can still be odd. People hear the word uncontrolled and think you don't do jack about it. Which isn't true. Well, it's not true now!! It was for so many. It's nobody else's fault but my own in this situation guys and gals. I was told I had II diabetes when I was 32. And what makes me a bigger idiot is I watched diabetes take my grandpa. Aaagh. I'LL BE FINE. And I didn't. Do. Jack. About. It. This is a dark moment for me that I struggle with. At this time I had a new young relationship with my current x, my kids were young and still living with me. I had EVERY reason to do the right thing. And I chose poorly. Cowardly. Just plain wrong. I truly felt arrogant enough to think diabetes would... I don't even know. Chose to skip me? It got my grandpa, why mess with me? I don't know. But look at me now. I guarantee I wouldn't be where I am today if I took it more seriously. And your doctors can tell. It's been hell trying to find good doctors to help me since I have so many issues. Mostly like a vehicle if you don't take to the mechanic she'll ah start getting long in the ol tooth. Same with me. But when your doctors look and see you killing yourself AFTER they gave you a talk about how serious this is, nope. Not on them. At all. This is the badge I shamefully bear. And will remind me and anyone else in my position that wants to listen to take your health seriously.

So weight as well well get the methadone over and done with. I'm 2008 I was at a BBG with my then Wife and two little babies 8 years old and 4. Our babies anyways started to pour down rain and made a mad dash outside to grab the meat. Shall not go down on my watch I told myself as if but did a brief moment feeling kind of like some meat superhero 😉 and then thud. I was no more. I smashed right into the side of the picnic table after tripping on some ball on the ground. And smash the side of my ribs directly into the side of the picnic table. Knocked the wind outta me. For the next few days, it was sore. But I was like 'heck yeah I'm strong, I don't even feel anything altho the brushes were most definitely there. And I climbed up and down in the truck too back then. I made it about a week and I couldn't take the pain anymore. Any caugh, sneeze felt like the world violently ended. So went to the doctor and got prescribed Blue 10s of Lortab. A huge full bottle with several refills. Remember, I'm from a small town and I don't follow up on news much. I didn't know about the opioid pandemic they called it going on. Call me ignorant. I'm OK with that. If agree. It baffles me how I hadn't heard of it. And I hadn't until well after I got prescribed them. To tell this story you have to get an accurate description of what I did. Going back to me earlier saying... Well OK. Never mind. You get it. Lol.

My high school sweetheart and like the 3rd woman I've ever been with as we've been together since 1997 and graduated in 99 and it's 2009 now. We are buying a beautiful 4-bedroom house in the middle of a great school district and we have a 12-year-old and a 9. And I drink. A lot. I'm a quiet drinker. Even my x wife would say "got your beer" before we left for even a kid's t_ball or softball game. I'd drink prob 12 to 18 pack a night. I admit I did. It opened me up. It helped me be me. Without it, I was just this numb never wanna do anything person. I never have been a mean "drunk" or mean anything. I've very nice. Many say it's my downfall. Anyways. I quickly found these pills not only helped to take away the physical pain in my chest but the emotional pain of our looming divorce. Once again, my fault. Once we got a computer you couldn't get me off of it. Playing games, fantasy sports, and Texas Holdem. I also liked international chat rooms. I was very interested in other counties and cultures. What I should have been the most interested in I barely have a second thought. Oh, my x wife will tell ya I wasn't bad. I provided for them. When it was bedtime I would come up and tuck them in. Went to their school and sporting events. But there's more to being a dad than that! And I knew it yet I didn't do it. Maybe because I knew they had a great momma so they are OK so I can go lighter on them, which turned on me when they were older because when I had to be the enforcer parent it was "Why is dad being mean" and lead to the kids staying full time at moms the last few years. But again I get ahead of myself. Wooosahhhh. WOOOOOOSSSAAAAAHHHHHHH Eric. Mkay.

So I realized the pain pills took away the physical and emotional pain. And with beer. Wowzer. It's just because too much. Now it was beer AND pills. After the doc quit refilling them I did anything for them. Stuff I'm ashamed of. Traded the very first Remington shot guy my dad got me for Christmas when I was 10. Traded it for 10 pills. Traded my dead grandfather's tools. I don't blame her. I'm the reason the marriage failed. I had it. I had it all.

The house we were buying, a beautiful wife and a little boy and girl at that perfect age where their eyes are always so wide with wonder. I had missed my daughter's birth because I was driving OTR. I said no more. I got the experience I needed for a local job working nights and Sundays. But I was home every day. In 2006, I finally got a dedicated run. Home by 5 almost every night. Home every weekend. And I ended it all. I asked my x wife the other day if she remembered the time I told her about my scary dream. I woke up one morning in a panic. You know those dreams that you wake up feeling like it was so real? You can have wet eyes from crying. Anyways I wake up one morning and I go pee, like at 520 so 40 more minutes of sleep time. WOOHOOO. I went back to the bedroom and it wasn't Mt wife. The kid wasn't my child. Years later I came out of the bathroom about to go back into the bedroom and had the eeriest Deja Vue. It was exactly what I saw that one day. It chilled me to the bone. It was crazy.

So yeah. It was my fault our marriage ended. That girl and I and her mom had been through a lot together. Moving to a strange town together. We're all still friends to this day. She and my current x work together. We did a thing where say Monday and Tuesday I get the kids then Wed and Thursday... (To be continued.....)