Matter to Me

Can you see and hear clearly?

I did not for 18 years of my life and the truth of it came to me slowly but surely crushed my sense of self. Although, I was lucky to be alive and even far from living. I am grateful for the struggles of my past because they left me empty and open to change. At this point, I knew I wasn’t the only one suffering, but I desperately wanted to be okay. I started to lose control of my two-faced secrets and image management. My college experience was disastrous and that meant a lot to someone like me. I realized that I really needed to transfigure my ugly insides that were seeping out into the world. A little bit of willingness and a whole lot of brokenness motivated me to spend more energy to become self-aware and do things differently. I fought 15 years through the symptoms and stigma of mental illness before I gave up my way of life. I was a worker, a student, a daughter, and a friend that desperately needed help. My environment didn’t show me support, but that’s okay because I became stronger and more confident from practicing bravery. I handled it with my best shot at love and light, and I feel more than okay now. I never want anyone to feel as alone and misunderstood as I did. Everyone could use a helping hand, so I’m working to create a site that is exactly that and then some.

After the 2020 Covid-19 Pandemic hit, I was still facing many obstacles from mental illness such as major depression, anxiety, and PTSD. Every debilitating symptom and effect seemed so normal and relevant on my Tik Tok FYP as well. I knew about the commonality of mental illness, but I only wanted to focus on myself. Which isn’t so out of order, unless you go to the extent of worrying about how you feel, sound, and seem to others. My true self was buried under years of stress, abuse, and trauma followed up by people pleasing, distractions, and self-harm. Amid my worst depressive episode yet, I naively took on University. I was high every day, I never read a single text book, and I would rather show up for visiting friends than myself. Eventually, it took a psychedelic trip to awaken me from 8 months of dissociation. I was addicted to instant gratification, I was looking towards social trends for happiness, and I was lying to everyone I knew. I lasted less than a semester before packing up my dorm and returning to the home I so desperately wanted to leave. I didn’t want to admit my failures, I didn’t want to put in the hard work to change, but I needed to. After some therapy, I took notice of the wounds I ignored, which consequentially infected my entire character. Once I snapped out of the dreadful dream I was in, I realized I was so far from the girl I didn’t know I wanted to be. I was complacent and gullible instead of content and sophisticated. I was stiff and fearful instead of relaxed and courageous. I was unimaginative and inexpressive instead of creative and meaningful. The truth is, no one can please everyone and good enough is good enough.

I used to have this impractical, best face only standard that I set for myself and ultimately everyone. This was impossible to live up to and I hated myself for not achieving it. My heart broke when I took notice of how unloving, cruel, and critical my side of conversation became. This was very unpleasant to go through, but so is taking medicine and surgery. We need it to heal and I could only hope and pray there would be a bright side. I tried treating my immediate friends and family better, but my love tank was empty and corroded. I didn’t know how to love and I was looking for new fuel. I had already tried filling up with family, friends, and boys, but without boundaries and guidance...the love simply vaporized. After all the affection, sex, concerts, theft, and drugs, what nourished me was real love. I finally figured out that I needed to love myself before expecting a certain love from anyone else. I was so defeated by my self-centered and fearful ways that I would do anything to unlearn them. I started to actively pursue a loving relationship with myself and the universe gave me love in return. At first, it was much more love than I could handle, I would break down into uncontrollable tears. Now, I feel worthy of unconditional love and even inspired to always share it. I would say that every day is an opportunity to grow and be thankful. I learned how to control my emotions so much better than before. Even though I'm the girl that choked on the rock in her throat 9 times out of 10. The girl broke down into tears when she was confronted with differences. The girl would swallow her anger until she blew up around the people who cared for her. I hated that girl for a while, I even believed she was wicked. That same inner turmoil sounded ridiculous to my loved ones, but I was convinced to be a monster that was too ugly to bear. That changed when I unsheathed my dullness to the world. None of us deserve to fit in a box, none of us need to be treated how I was, and none of us are unworthy of unconditional love.

Love is what wakes me up bright and early, what motivates me to take care, and what takes my worries away. The new light I’ve been given is what fuels my purpose and our love is what sustains it. I’ve been moving forward by giving myself space to breathe, to feel, to think, to accept, and adapt. This process is how I came to see tangible results. Results like connecting to my mind, body, and spirit. I actually feel pleasure by breathing and touching. The present is where I’m most comfortable now. I’m a part of a community that is as uplifting and empowering as I am. I am trusting in my creative power and faithful in the protection of divine goodness. I am beyond blessed and my soul is called to share my passion and joy for real life. Not my old heavy life with standards and distractions to keep me under. The real hard life that you can handle with grace, peace, wisdom, strength, and all things love. I desire to show the love through an online community filled with resources that help you become self-reliant. I wish to share articles about communication, confidence, consciousness, and spirituality. I would enjoy benefiting others by collecting testimonies of healing from addiction, abuse, and mental illness. I want people to have fun on the page while taking quizzes to become self-aware and hopefully reflect on the results. I want to provide a chance of connecting with a community willing to be respectful and kind towards all walks of life. Last but not least, I want a balance board of trained counselors to be available for members that need direct help through messages or video chat.

There are many roads to where I’m going and this is not a direction with the least resistance. Although, what mattered most was that I was willing to become more honest, peaceful, wise, stronger, and kind along the way. It would be foolish to turn back, and I’m no fool. Certainly not with the little time I have left to change the next generation. To be honest, I’m still in a chapter of learning and listening, but I’m also ready to fill in the gap of knowledge and action. So, I began to let the light of my heart shine and the progress isn’t slowing. My intense drive to live my truths, express myself with clarity, purpose, and love is never stopping. I will be a positive light one way or another, but I still need help. My highest aspirations can’t be met alone, because I am not alone in this good fight. I am not the only one who needs love to function. I am not the only one who wants to change the world. With that being set, will you be a helping hand?