Manipulation

There have been many shameful moments in my life. As someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder and went undiagnosed the majority of my adulthood, I never really saw the error of my ways. I saw something. I wanted it, and usually, I got it. Sometimes, as we grow we need to accept the error of our ways.

Therapy has helped immensely but it doesn’t change my past as much as I wish that it did. Directly out of highschool, I found my attention, no, my whole world in a person that I fantasized my future with. I was absolutely infatuated. There was absolutely nothing that I wouldn’t do to have him.

I won his friendship pretty easily, but from there, that was it. He was my friend, only my friend. I should have been ecstatic that he gave me the time of day, but that wasn’t enough. The feeling of utter loss and rejection led me on a downward spiral that I can never come back from.

There was no more shameful time than the biggest lie I told him, and it worked, well, sort of. I created this elaborate story about one of my exes that had been in the military. I made him believe he was pure evil, and obsessed with me. I told him that he would break into my house unnoticed and attack me regularly.

Of course, my friend did what any logical person would do and explained that I needed to call the police. So what do I do? Absolutely not call the police. I couldn’t report lies. Besides, when the truth came out, I would surely lose him. The thought of that, I couldn’t bear. At this point, I had no choice but to continue the lie and make it as elaborate as possible to cover all the potential plot holes.

I was an expert at thinking on the spot and coming up with excuses. All of my life I had been defensive and despised getting into any kind of trouble. I explained that I did go to the police and even the hospital but no one believed me. I stated that everyone believed that my ex was an upstanding citizen and military man. As someone in the military, he had connections in law enforcement and he would never be held accountable for his actions.

I wanted to feel safe. I wanted his attention. I needed his attention. I craved it more than anything. It finally worked. He invited me over and we just cuddled all night. My head was in his chest while he petted my hair. We ended up falling asleep in this fantasy I had created.

This was one of the many manipulation tactics that I had used with him as it was an ongoing battle for his love. While this situation was by far the worst I had done, it started the whole process of constant manipulation that lasted almost 5 years. This boy deserves an award for putting up with all that he did.

Turns out, as I look back, I realize that he did love me. He always did. But, we were young and dumb. He had other priorities. He wanted a girl who was fit athletically. I worked so hard to get fit and I did. He still would not make it official even though he promised.

While we never had an official title, he and I were inseparable. I spent every waking hour with him. I even practically lived at his fraternity house since he had a private room. We went on dates and I even met his parents on multiple occasions. They, like many of his friends, believed that we were dating and always insisted that we were, but my friend always objected.

My friend was and still is very intelligent. I understand now, after being estranged for five years that he always knew my actions and could tell when I was lying. I believe that he just was a kind soul who didn’t judge me. I know that if I ever reached out to him that he would always be there if I needed him. All of the terrible things that I put him through, I cannot stomach even thinking about putting him through that again. So, I keep my distance.

Despite being in therapy and maturing due to having children, I know there is a part of me that is still unhealthy. I will always have my mental illness. It is not something that just completely goes away. It would be unfair for me to put him through any more turmoil. I respect him and keep my distance.

From time to time though, I do miss him. Occasionally I will reach out with a generic “Hope you are doing well” text. We always remain cordial and keep it short.

I am ashamed of many things that I have done in my life. This is just the biggest instance, the most manipulative. I like to believe that I have grown as a person and can gladly say that since the birth of my first son, I have not had any instances of harming others with my actions. Maybe my friend just sparked the fire in me. Could he be my person? Maybe, but I will never know and that is ok.