Letter To My Mother

Dear Mother,

There are many things you may not know about me, even still. I remember a few years ago you said you were surprised by something that I had done and were “getting to know me better.” It is strange that people can be close relatives from the same family and be very different or even not entirely know each other.

So I guess you would not know that when I got into trouble and when my father made me go to my room -often carrying me and plonking me there – I cried a lot not because I felt I had done something wrong or thought I was in trouble . Actually I often thought I had done nothing much wrong and could not really understand why I needed to be punished for certain things. However, I was crying because whenever my father took me somewhere else and had me stay in the bedroom I would worry about you and worry if I would ever see you again.

I know that things can happen suddenly and people can disappear from our lives or things happen to them when you do not expect it. We could see someone in the morning and they may be gone by the evening. Sometimes people say “goodbye” to someone, expecting to see them again and then for various reasons they never get the opportunity.

In my childish mind, perhaps I was aware of this and worried that I would not see you again or that something would happen to you while I was in solitary confinement in the bedroom. I wanted to go back downstairs just to be with you and make sure you are ok. I guess this worrying has affected me most of my life. When I heard that there were bomb blasts in the train station in central London I called you straight away out of concern and told you not to go. I was not so afraid for myself. I also continually worry that something may happen and I am away.

There was something that has upset me for most of my life however, and I confess that you do not know about that. I often remember it however and I think this is why you said about me a few years ago that I am “still a little girl.” Maybe you do not remember that when I was about nine years old I came to you and asked you to play with me and you were studying while sitting on the floor in the living room. You told me that you were busy and did not have time and told me to go and play. I was actually very disappointed and dejected by that time and remember that until now. I often feel that for this reason I am still something like a child at times – something remained from that time.

It fact, it was not only that but I must confess that I was jealous of my sister when she came a long. My sister took your time when I used to have it. For this reason I was not happy when my sister first came a long. At times when she cried I would pinch her. In fact, even with my brother I would pinch him because they took the time that I had had. However, I did get used to them and enjoyed playing with them after that.

So mother, I want to apologize if I was quite naughty and at times demanded too much of your time. However, I remember you often said that I was a sweet girl and good. However, I do wish you could have acknowledged my need to be with you a bit more.