Keep moving

Day 4

Today I still checked my phone in the morning to see if you have reached out. But without desperation, just out of curiosity.

I don’t know when that will go away. But I feel myself adjusting to the disappointment. And it’s becoming the new normal.

I felt hungry today, my appetite has come back.

I felt stronger today in the afternoon. I was more cheerful. I watched my mindless tv shows. And laughed more than once. Ah am i normal again ?

You weren’t the occupant vacating my mind. Only Here and there. But I could wash you out quickly.

I was invited to dinner. And at first I couldn’t imagine getting out of bed and leaving this space where I was starting to feel good again.

But I did it anyway.

Pain struck my chest when I went to look for my black sweater that I wanted to wear for dinner. The last time I wore it, I was with you.

Then the flood of that rushed back in. Talking on the phone that night - to crash landing at your door and being swooped up into a big hug- to Hand holding down the hall to your apparent door -to laughs on the couch- to being just yours - Oh How different I was a week ago.

Panic struck as I ripped through my clothes trying to find that sweater.

Did I leave it there ?

A small hurricane whirled within My chest, thinking I’d never see it again.

Yet at the same time a small glimpse of hope danced quickly in my thoughts that maybe I would see you again so you could return it.

I had to close my eyes really tight and say “stop it.”

Once my mind cleared, I searched more and I finally found it.

Gut punch, Another closure.

A debilitating blow

“Keep moving” are the words I whispered to myself.

I left the house and put tunes on in the car loudly and it felt freeing.

I’m doing something for me. You free.

Minimal and mundane but an inch is a mile at this point.

Got to dinner and friends complimented me on my hair cut. I shyly accepted.

I had to remove lengths of you in any way I could.

My eyes dashed around the restaurant, for some reason i was looking for someone who I could identify with.

I’m not sure what they would look like.

A person alone ? A person with someone who looked like you ? A couple who looked like us ?

I found no results and quickly dismissed those thoughts.

“Stop it”

I was okay until a friend asked if I have heard from you.

Embarrassment and hurt rushed back in as I had to simply answer no.

I’m tired of these waves.

I wish I never told anyone about you. It makes it harder.

I hate having to explain something I’m still trying to understand.

To explain the gaping mold you left behind while my hands are still processing how you fell throw them so quickly.

Today was light but it had its heavy moments.

I still wonder what your doing and who your with.

I don’t want to look around for you in restaurants.

what is more disappointing ?

Is it that I can’t find you there, or Is it that I’m still looking at all.

Waiting for the time where I can write about a time that I don’t.

Until then I whispers to myself

“Stop it”

“keep moving “