Confessions logo

Journal Entry 6

Life lately

By for my mental healthPublished 2 years ago 5 min read
Journal Entry 6
Photo by Ricardo Gomez Angel on Unsplash


Today, I felt so strange. Almost, as if, I can feel the change coming but I don't know what it is. It scares me a little bit and makes me kind of anxious. I am trying my best to stay motivated and keeping myself healthy but that does not always go well.

I was really sad the other day. Maybe it is the social media getting to me, seeing couples on the screen and me thinking about that. I have not been in a relationship for a very long time now and it scares me but also makes me anxious wondering if I am too comfortable being alone. Is that possible?

This is something that started to scare me the past couple of years. Seeing a lot of people my age get married and have kids. Or... even worse... buying houses... what the heck. This does not feel real. I still feel like I am a kid but seeing some people leave the phase of life that you are in, is very scary. Here's the thing, do I feel this way because society is telling me, "to feel fullfilled, I need to be married and have kids..." Is this the reason, I feel like I am doing something wrong or is it really want I want right now.


I had some crazy dreams last night. I kept trying to open my eyes but they would not open. Now is this a sleep paralysis episode or an anxious, anxiety driven dream... It scared the crap out of me and when I finally woke up, instant relief filled my head.

The other thing that made me anxious this morning (probably because I have not worked out in 3 days) was that I could not get out of bed. It was making me anxious, as if I had somewhere to be but I still could not get out of bed. My room has become my safe space, which I think it fine but I also do not like being in my room all the time.

Previously, at my old apartment, my room was the only safe space that I had and it was terrible. I was constantly on edge and was always hiding. Now I have an entire apartment to myself and it feels great. I do not have to worry about coming home and running into my room. I can take my sweet as time and just chill in my living room until I want to go to bed.

Not to change the subject but I keep seeing couple videos and it might put me over the edge of a mental break down. Is that normal? Do other single people feel this ways sometimes? Or is this something that I need to work on?


Lately I have been feeling like I am just existing and not actually living. It is s strange feeling because it is very new to me. I have always had some kind of distraction from what I should actually be doing in my life. I have been trying to work on it so I can enjoy where I am right now but I really feel like I am struggling a lot. I am trying to find happiness again but it comes in waves which I don't always like but I know if I do not enjoy the good and the bad then life would be so bland. I am trying to find my creative side as well and I know that I have definitely grown as a person but I am still growing.

I know it is normal to feel out of place but it is a very strange feeling.

I had a bit of a scare last weekend and I think I am done drinking for a while. It is almost like since I have blacked out before, my brain gets triggered and I black out way sooner than I normally do. So it kind of feels like if I drink even a little bit I could black out again. Which I don't like and when it is unintentional, it freaks me out even more. And, yes I did intentionally black out before. I am not sure why I used to do that because it was not a good idea but I was young and stupid.

Lastly I have been trying to look within myself and figure out why I have not dated anyone in a while... I thnk in my head I think that I don't deserve it. I am not "allowed" to have someone to rely on. I have to do it all by myself, which is not okay.

I do deserve to have a significant other in my life. I am allowed to be happy with someone. Maybe it is a new concept for me because all the ones that I have loved, did not make me feel like I was good enough. Like there was something wrong with me.

There is one particular person that I have in mind that, really made me feel like I was not his only "option" like he had better things to do besides be with me and I think that hurt the most. We will get into that another day.

But I think back two different people that made me feel like I was the only one, they ever thought of.

The first one was when I was young, we will call him; the 'beautiful' boy.

This one I could write a novel about (look out for my post about him) and we didn't even "talk" for that long.

He made me feel like I was the prettiest girl in the world.

Then there was the "singing boy"... who was way too old to be called a man so I will stick with boy. He has be wrapped around his finger and knew it. Now that I look back on it, this was a very manipulative "friendship."

He made me feel very special but would also ripped my heart out in 3 seconds.

All these men had a hold on me for quite some time now but I am done telling myself I can't be happy because they didn't make me feel the way I wanted to feel.

I am done letting them have that power over me...

The toxic relationships that once were apart of my heart are no longer allowed in.


About the Creator

for my mental health

Reader insights

Be the first to share your insights about this piece.

How does it work?

Add your insights


There are no comments for this story

Be the first to respond and start the conversation.

Sign in to comment

    Find us on social media

    Miscellaneous links

    • Explore
    • Contact
    • Privacy Policy
    • Terms of Use
    • Support

    © 2024 Creatd, Inc. All Rights Reserved.