Journal Entry 6

11/11

Today, I felt so strange. Almost, as if, I can feel the change coming but I don't know what it is. It scares me a little bit and makes me kind of anxious. I am trying my best to stay motivated and keeping myself healthy but that does not always go well.

I was really sad the other day. Maybe it is the social media getting to me, seeing couples on the screen and me thinking about that. I have not been in a relationship for a very long time now and it scares me but also makes me anxious wondering if I am too comfortable being alone. Is that possible?

This is something that started to scare me the past couple of years. Seeing a lot of people my age get married and have kids. Or... even worse... buying houses... what the heck. This does not feel real. I still feel like I am a kid but seeing some people leave the phase of life that you are in, is very scary. Here's the thing, do I feel this way because society is telling me, "to feel fullfilled, I need to be married and have kids..." Is this the reason, I feel like I am doing something wrong or is it really want I want right now.

11/12

I had some crazy dreams last night. I kept trying to open my eyes but they would not open. Now is this a sleep paralysis episode or an anxious, anxiety driven dream... It scared the crap out of me and when I finally woke up, instant relief filled my head.

The other thing that made me anxious this morning (probably because I have not worked out in 3 days) was that I could not get out of bed. It was making me anxious, as if I had somewhere to be but I still could not get out of bed. My room has become my safe space, which I think it fine but I also do not like being in my room all the time.

Previously, at my old apartment, my room was the only safe space that I had and it was terrible. I was constantly on edge and was always hiding. Now I have an entire apartment to myself and it feels great. I do not have to worry about coming home and running into my room. I can take my sweet as time and just chill in my living room until I want to go to bed.

Not to change the subject but I keep seeing couple videos and it might put me over the edge of a mental break down. Is that normal? Do other single people feel this ways sometimes? Or is this something that I need to work on?

11/19

Lately I have been feeling like I am just existing and not actually living. It is s strange feeling because it is very new to me. I have always had some kind of distraction from what I should actually be doing in my life. I have been trying to work on it so I can enjoy where I am right now but I really feel like I am struggling a lot. I am trying to find happiness again but it comes in waves which I don't always like but I know if I do not enjoy the good and the bad then life would be so bland. I am trying to find my creative side as well and I know that I have definitely grown as a person but I am still growing.

I know it is normal to feel out of place but it is a very strange feeling.

I had a bit of a scare last weekend and I think I am done drinking for a while. It is almost like since I have blacked out before, my brain gets triggered and I black out way sooner than I normally do. So it kind of feels like if I drink even a little bit I could black out again. Which I don't like and when it is unintentional, it freaks me out even more. And, yes I did intentionally black out before. I am not sure why I used to do that because it was not a good idea but I was young and stupid.

Lastly I have been trying to look within myself and figure out why I have not dated anyone in a while... I thnk in my head I think that I don't deserve it. I am not "allowed" to have someone to rely on. I have to do it all by myself, which is not okay.

I do deserve to have a significant other in my life. I am allowed to be happy with someone. Maybe it is a new concept for me because all the ones that I have loved, did not make me feel like I was good enough. Like there was something wrong with me.

There is one particular person that I have in mind that, really made me feel like I was not his only "option" like he had better things to do besides be with me and I think that hurt the most. We will get into that another day.

But I think back two different people that made me feel like I was the only one, they ever thought of.

The first one was when I was young, we will call him; the 'beautiful' boy.

This one I could write a novel about (look out for my post about him) and we didn't even "talk" for that long.

He made me feel like I was the prettiest girl in the world.

Then there was the "singing boy"... who was way too old to be called a man so I will stick with boy. He has be wrapped around his finger and knew it. Now that I look back on it, this was a very manipulative "friendship."

He made me feel very special but would also ripped my heart out in 3 seconds.

All these men had a hold on me for quite some time now but I am done telling myself I can't be happy because they didn't make me feel the way I wanted to feel.

I am done letting them have that power over me...

The toxic relationships that once were apart of my heart are no longer allowed in.