Its Not Some Feminist Crap Like "I Don't Need A Man." I JUST DON'T WANT ONE.

Okay so first of, the title isn't meant to offend anyone. I genuinely respect feminism and believe the movement is responsible for a lot of positive changes that society have been through in the last few decades.

Now that that's out of the way, let's get started.

I am writing this mainly out of frustration...and its suddenly striking me that I should have used a pseudonym of sorts. Well, it is what it is.

I was born a female and identify as one. I was brought up with a lot of love and care, and I can say with certainty that my parents love me a lot. All the same, parents can be a bit much sometimes.

I am an introvert, have been one all my life and that's most probably never going to change. So when I am asked if I have a significant other or plan to find someone, I always answer with "where would I even meet them?" And fortunately people just let it go and move on to other topics.

My mom however, grows more apprehensive the older I get. Its not that I don't know why. She worries about me and I understand that. Her biggest concerns in life are all to do with me: right from me being happy and healthy to having someone to share my life with.

Now normally, I would do anything to give her peace of mind. I always do; But something like getting a lover is out of the question.

Why? Because I don't for a second believe I have what it takes to love another person.

I know myself well, its one of my strong points. So mark my words when I say, finding a man is the least of my concerns.

I have seen quite a few relationships and know the basic dynamics of one, even though I've never been in one myself. So I am pretty sure that in order to love your partner, you first need to love yourself. Let's just say that that's a ridiculously big hurdle for me to pass.

I don't love myself, neither do I care about myself. I am a 6 feet tall, 106 kg pound of flesh with no redeeming qualities. Before someone calls me out for fat-shaming, that's not my intention. I am sorry if you get triggered, but I am allowed to not like my own body. I look at myself in the mirror and all I want is confidence, as opposed to the disappointment I actually feel.

Its not just my body. My personality sucks as well. I am not saying that I am a bad person, but I do come off as stuck up. I don't talk to anyone unless they talk to me first. I also always have my headphones on to avoid conversations with strangers. No, I am not a bitch. I am just anxious.

Me calling myself an introvert is an understatement. I definitely have some type of anxiety I've yet to be diagnosed for.

So when my mother shows me pictures of different men, asking me to keep an open mind and meet them. I honestly don't know what to say other than "no."

I function normally in the eyes of people who know me, including my parents. While that is far from the truth, I am an amazing actor and would rather die than have people know about the anxiety that cripples me almost every day, that makes me fear getting out of bed every morning.

So to all the people so far who have pissed me off and not let me get a word in edgewise: No. Its Not Some Feminist Crap Like "I Don't Need A Man." I JUST DON'T WANT ONE. At least not until I learn to love myself.

I am actively trying to be a more confident person, to look in the mirror and like what I see, to smile more often, to not be scared all the time, to be excited when a new day starts, to want to live happily instead of just trudging through life aimlessly.

So I hope this tells you why I don't want love in my life right now. Maybe I won't ever want it, and oddly enough, that's fine with me.

If I can learn to love myself, my happiness is all but guaranteed. Happiness is what I am striving towards, so even if it takes me the next 20, 30, or even 40 years of my life to be happy, I'll dedicate myself to it.

Wish me luck everyone! :)