Im stuck inside my head

Let’s talk about the mind, there’s so much going on. There’s a festival of unrealistic ideas flowing through my mind day in and day out. Perhaps that’s why I’m so quiet. I live there, in my head. Obsessing over my ideas like they are the world’s greatest ideas waiting to be put to paper. Why am I like this? They wonder what I’m thinking but I’m afraid to let it out. Sometimes I think they’ll laugh at me or put my ideas down. Other thoughts roam through my head. I hear voices too, like another universe is telling me things I don’t want to hear. Then my mind lets me down and I question everything that I want to do. My mind convinces me my ideas are nothing, but ideas and they can’t be the ultimate answer to everything that makes me who I am.

Why are they laughing at me? The voices in my head act like they know the answer to who I am. I don’t know who to listen to anymore. The power of the mind can be daunting and controlling. I lose sight of myself trapped in my mind sometimes. I don’t know how to get out. It’s how I am. Maybe I was given such a hard task to hear the voices that god wants me to get out of my head. Enjoy life he said. Look at all the wonder in the world. It doesn’t have to be so hard to appreciate what you have. Focus on the people you love they say. Focus on the beauty int the world and what it has to offer.

But what if your mind is the gift that is all you have to offer to the world. Then, being trapped in it might not be such a bad thing. I try not to let it torcher me. I try to let it bless me with ideas that can fulfil societal needs. Yet, somehow it consumes me again. It’s such a powerful place, it can make or break you. I want it to make me into the great person I am. I want it to help me be great. I’m lost again. How do I push myself to be great? How do I convince myself to get up every day and choose to be great? My mind comes in waves one minute its good and the other it’s torturing my soul. What should I do to get out of this place, its agony?

I can’t even meditate. The voices have the control. I talk to my therapist about it and she tells me to let it go. Let the voices go. Let the negativity go. Then, I convince myself that negativity is good and its apart of life. Maybe it’s all a battlefield. I have to fight every day to either be negative or positive sometimes I shift into both. What if I hear god and the devil inside my head. I get to choose. Sometimes the devil makes sense and sometimes god doesn’t say anything that I believe in. I must choose. But what if I want to choose both. What if sometimes being negative is the way into being positive. What if my mind isn’t such a bad place after all? What if I can shift into both. What if I need to be both in order to choose what’s right for me? I’m not sure any of it makes sense. All I know is I’m stuck inside my head, that’s why I’m quiet. That’s why I barely say a word. It’s noisy I can tell you that.