Cerina Galvan
Bio
I’m an active writer who dreams of writing tales that inspire people.
Stories (17/0)
Im stuck inside my head
Let’s talk about the mind, there’s so much going on. There’s a festival of unrealistic ideas flowing through my mind day in and day out. Perhaps that’s why I’m so quiet. I live there, in my head. Obsessing over my ideas like they are the world’s greatest ideas waiting to be put to paper. Why am I like this? They wonder what I’m thinking but I’m afraid to let it out. Sometimes I think they’ll laugh at me or put my ideas down. Other thoughts roam through my head. I hear voices too, like another universe is telling me things I don’t want to hear. Then my mind lets me down and I question everything that I want to do. My mind convinces me my ideas are nothing, but ideas and they can’t be the ultimate answer to everything that makes me who I am.
By Cerina Galvan7 months ago in Confessions
A Piece of Me
"You’re not good at anything" the voice whispered as I sat down to complete my work for school. It was nearing the end of the term and I was so close to getting my degree. I needed to stay concentrated but of course the voices I heard came like a daunting force inside my head. "I’m not good at anything?" I replied as I slowly started to sink into my chair. Not finding the words to write my research paper due that night. "I guess so I mean what I have succeeded in. Nothing. I mean what am I even great at? I’m a failure, if anything." I had let the voices torment me into believing I was worthless for a long time. Years had passed by and I still couldn’t get it out of my head. Memories of me not getting to play long term in basketball a dream of mine came pouring into my head. The jobs I lost, and the times I quit at something just ravaged through my mind. One particular memory of my coach telling me I had heart but couldn’t continue because I didn’t have enough skill. The whole I don’t have enough skill happened to me more than once in my life and this stuck with me.
By Cerina Galvan7 months ago in Confessions
Dear dad
Dear Dad, I remember as a kid the incredible kindness and understanding you often showed me, even when I didn’t deserve it. You knew somehow that is what I needed; you were my everything even when I didn’t understand you. Sometimes you would get angry and fight with mom and as a child you don’t know that pain until your older and you fall in love with someone yourself. The moment I knew you were my best friend was when I would constantly steal your candy even when you told us not too. I would take a bunch and hide them in my clothes then go outside and eat them. You found me once and you started laughing, I was a little scared you get mad at me. But you didn’t. Chooch as you would say, while laughing, just ask next time. I never asked. And you always understood that I couldn’t help myself. You were more than just my dad, my hero, you were my moon and stars. I looked up to you and listened to every word you told me even when it took forever. But what I always knew in my heart was that you had a love for me, for your family like no other. When we didn’t understand you anger It was always because you wanted to protect us like no other man I’ve ever known. As I got older, the more I understood you and the more I wanted to be like you. Because you saw everyone for who they were and loved them for it. You knew how to love strangers and us like it was the ultimate gift. You laughed your way through your pain and drank to wash it all away. You drank to enjoy yourself not to hurt yourself or anyone. You hated the jobs you had because you demanded people get respect and when you or someone else wasn’t getting it, it made you livid. It was so hard for you, the way the world started to work. You rather live out in the wilderness and chop down trees then live in the world that has become fake. You were the realest person, and you shared everything you thought and felt with everyone with so much courage and conviction. I loved watching you grow into a man that became so loved Its all these things and more that made you the great man that you are and always will be. Toward the end we all wanted a miracle, we wanted you to stay with us so badly. It has taken me now to realize as I write this that who you were to us was that miracle and the way you loved mom at the end, in between, and the beginning of your guys life together was admirable. As hard as it got for you, you fought so hard to be with us. You’re not just my hero, but everyone’s hero who encountered your life and got to know you. A true man of who he was and what he stood for. I wish I could’ve told you all of this, but I know you hear me, and I know you know that I loved you with everything I had. You once told me that everything in life has purpose and everything you do is purposeful. So, do it with everything you got, and you will be rewarded. You never know what tomorrow will bring you and you taught me to live life unapologetically you. I sit here in my room realizing that I have to go on, I know you’ll always be my everything and most likely one of the few men I will ever truly love, and have it reciprocated in a way that fulfills my every being.
By Cerina Galvan2 years ago in Journal
The Real Me
I’m not someone who easily loves herself, most girls have felt this way. But for me, it was something that turned out to be a horror story before I realized who I really was. Let me start off by saying this isn’t a story about realizing I’m beautiful the way I am. It goes much deeper and scarier than that. I had to meet the darkest parts of myself and that was a nightmare. It was more than insecurity that consumed my self-destructive nature. You see, I believe myself to be an empath, an old soul, a person who is consumed by their own darkness and others. Before I get into the story, I just want to warn you this one is a bit dark. I’m not sure how it started but my mom told me I would tell her stories growing up about a man following me. She kept her eye out but then it got old. She thought I was lying until I turned 24. This man I was talking about, who followed me was a shadow in my mind. Or as I started calling him, Satan. I was living with someone who grew to be my best friend. I started thinking self-destructive thoughts while I was with her. I would like to add that I was also going to school and working at the time. Trying to find my place in this world. The shadow man, I don’t remember as a kid. He must have lasted only for a brief while and then vanished. I think that as a kid, I would find myself feeling alone and abandoned all the time. I knew I was different, but I couldn’t figure out what it was. It was a natural instinct. Once, I felt this way. My insecurities took over my mind and I think that’s when the shadow man would visit me. This time he visited me when I was 24, in love, infatuated, and obsessed. I was obsessed with not being alone and being with this person that showed me the darkest parts of myself. Once that happened, after a stressful fight we had about me being into someone else. I heard a voice in my head, very loud, and strong, tell me to go outside. It was like it was something that was going to save me from my thoughts. I had thoughts like She’s a witch, her mom’s a witch, there all witches and they are planning to destroy me. The mom went to Mexico to put a hex on me. I must get out! Making up stories in my head is a thing that I’ve always done not so healthy. That was one I can remember thinking; I took things people told me and twisted it in my head. It can be dark, scary, and lonely when all you know is the dark thoughts in your head to be the basic stories you tell yourself. I wasn’t always telling scary stories in my head but at this time in my life they became obsessive. I think it was an escape from reality, reality was hard for me to face at this time. I couldn’t for the life of me stay in a classroom as a paraeducator, no one wanted me, or felt I was good enough. School, well it was a lot of work, and I was taking classes that involved a lot of my time. I just couldn’t find a happy place to be in. Especially in my relationship, I was an away from home for the first time. My first long relationship was a toxic one. So, I lost it. When I went outside after hearing the voice, it immediately told me it was God and that I was the chosen one. When I came back inside, I had no idea it would become a dark beginning to a journey that would lay ahead. Satan’s daughter is here! It said. I didn’t know that it meant Satan’s daughter was my girlfriend at the time. I was terrified of her, like she really was here on earth to destroy me, the chosen one. I made her get up out of bed and started yelling and clapping in her face calling her all kinds of names that a “Satan’s daughter” would be called. The unfortunate thing is that, I had no remorse. I seriously thought I had to do this. Destroy her! The voices help shouting in my head. All that I knew was that here I was standing in front of someone I loved demeaning them of who they were. It wasn’t all dandelions and roses between us. She was constantly degrading me of my character before I went insane. It was like my mind couldn’t take it anymore, so I finally did the same back. She was so upset she started hitting the wall. Yelling at me back, “You’re so weak and immature” “Get out!”. I was like in my mind this isn’t working, so the voices in my head said Once you leave, she’ll have no one and then she’ll die like she’s supposed to. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, I started walking back and forth talking to the voices trying to convince God that there must be another way. Leave now! The voices shouted. I didn’t want her to die, so I stayed. She told me to get in her car and that she was taking me back to my family. She didn’t want to deal with me any longer. The ride was silent but, in my head, the voice of God was mad at me telling me I messed up and that I should’ve left. Luckily, I didn’t. I wouldn’t have gotten the help I needed from the streets. I had to say goodbye to her, Satan’s daughter, even though I was afraid of her. I left and went inside; it was night-time, and I saw a black shadowed man talking to me It’s Satan! The voices said. I got up from the couch and yelled at him telling him to go away, telling him that I was the chosen one. It began to talk to me, telling me that he was here to talk my family. I said no, take me instead. “You’re worthless!” it shouted. It was in this moment I realized that I didn’t care for myself and even if it was real, I would have given myself away to it. It told me it was going after my sister and I pleaded it to take me. it proceeded to tell me I was worthless. So, it disappeared and ran into my sister’s room where I followed it and then I told her it was inside of her. She awakened, scared, and confused. She ran to my parent’s room because I was acting possessed, she said. The next day, I ended up in an ambulance and then the crisis center which eventually I was taken to a psych ward. I got on medication and it slowly helped me get back to a normal state of mind. I still struggle with negative thoughts and anxiety. However, what this experience has taught me is that no matter how far down a dark hole I get. I’m able to bounce back and become even more resilient. If I didn’t have the ability to become resilient in this situation then I would be in a very bad place.
By Cerina Galvan2 years ago in Humans
The Darkest Parts of Me
When I met her, she gave me a feeling that felt as though my heart was on fire and cold at the same time. She was humorous and outgoing, unlike me. I was funny in the most subtle of ways but her she was funny because of the way she cried while laughing. The way she recognized the most basic things about a person and poked light fun at them. That’s how she was in the beginning, then all at once something in her would change, shift into this person that took the things she made light of and turned them into a nightmare. I’ll never forget the way she laughed it is ingrained into my soul and my infatuation with her was there at every corner. I was fueling the void of loneliness in me and ultimately, she fell victim to in return for her whimsical and deceitful ways. Yet, for me she was the last straw of being happy in the world I didn’t fit into and I became obsessed with being with her. I discovered the darkest parts of me but also found purpose in wanting to live for her, for us. I’m a good soul and with that comes ultimate pain and anguish. She although I wanted her to be was not pure, she was someone who played with your soul. Yet, the first time I took a look at her, I mean really looked I felt an ache in my heart for her complex beauty. She wasn’t ravishing and only looked her best with make up on, but she had a natural brown tone to her chunky cheeks that smiled when our souls touched. She said my name like she knew me, “Sam, move”! She was demanding and I didn’t mind it all. I told her I didn’t mind her pushing me out the way as she apologized, and I felt this fuel of life burst inside of me. She laughed and I laughed, and we couldn’t stop laughing and, in that moment, I made a decision to keep pursuing her. Had I known she would take me down a road of darkness, no, but it just felt right. Not the kind of right you get on a math test but the kind that leads you into a journey of the unknown. I know most people are afraid of the unknown but there are people in this life that when you meet them you have to get to know them to bring yourself out of your comfort zone and cross into a path that leads you somewhere new. I didn’t mind taking chances or going on new experiences, every time someone left, I had to fill the void of despair with someone knew. I couldn’t understand why people left me or didn’t want to associate themselves with me. Was it because I was so different, and people are afraid of that or was it because I was actually a dark person? I didn’t know no one told me how I was, I never got defined by anyone and that was what sent me into a world of obsession because for the first time she defined me. At first, she defined me as someone who was big-hearted and amazing. No one in my life ever told me that and maybe she meant it at the time or maybe it was all a part of this master plan to destroy me. I have no idea her real intentions but what I do know is that I fell for all of the games she played and the momentous times she made me feel worthy of this life. The first time she asked me to spend the night with her I didn’t hesitate, she just was like all over me. Not something I expected from anyone nor I ever thought I was attractive enough for someone that infectious to like me. She jumped on top of me and teased about kissing me, that was when I should have known she liked to play games. I was so in awe of what was happening, and I felt a connection between us, but I didn’t know what type of connection it would be until the voices came. At first, I didn’t recognize them as voices, I thought it was mostly me overthinking everything, like why did she chose me? Am I even worthy of all this affection? I felt there was an ulterior motive to what was happening, but I didn’t want to believe it. Instead I played along, I remember her first game. I was completely honest and transparent about what was going on between me and another girl this was before we were official. The other girl had a lot of baggage to go with her and Jamie didn’t seem to have given me that impression. I told her “So, I have this friend who is a bit into me, nothing like you have shown me”. She immediately flipped a switch and said “So, you have a choice to make, me or her?” She didn’t give me time to sort out my feelings and say, I’ll be here still when you’re ready. It’s like she knew exactly what to say to get me to choose her and that was her way of toying with my feelings. In my head, I was thinking wow here is someone who doesn’t play around, how naïve I was, was something I think she enjoyed because then she could manipulate me quite easily. I gave into her the way you give into something that means so much to you and you don’t care how much you’re going to lose in the process. I’ve never done that before and so then she gave me life a reason to exist, for her. A lot of people believe that a man is supposed to protect the girl and the woman is supposed to be this fragile human being that nurtures everything around her. I wasn’t like that I was different I wanted to protect her, savor her, be with only her and forget the world around me. I would have done anything for her at the point of lingering in her presence and the way she made me feel, like I mattered to the world. She knew what she was doing to me and she didn’t have the slightest concern for me only for herself. I recognized this about a couple weeks into the relationship we were at a party and I swear this is where the games really began, because I would retaliate in such a way that I never thought I would. We had gone to a friend’s Halloween party and there was about 50 people there we brought along my best friend Nathan and he ended up getting really drunk. I couldn’t find him for an hour, and I couldn’t find her either. When I did, I was livid and scared, I didn’t want anything to do with her cause she was drunk and flirting with anyone in sight. So, I threw my drink at her and called her a “whore”. I have never in my life called someone I cared about anything like that and I thought I never would. She had squeezed my feelings out and they turned into anger and bitterness because I wanted her all to myself and anyone who was going to get in the way of that including her, I would destroy. I ended up getting help from some stranger and she said he was passed out behind the pool. She came and found us all drunk, and I was like “get out of here we don’t need you”. She grabbed my hand and told me she loved me and started to cry, and I didn’t believe her because she was drunk. I was cold and mean toward her, but we played the blame game until my friend started throwing up and she left again. I couldn’t bare her leaving me, it was a hurt that stabbed into my soul. Yet, my best friend’s health mattered to me in a way one’s should. I took him to the car and locked him inside as he passed out and I went to find her. I tried to solve the problem in an easy way so, even he was getting in my way. I told her that I was “sorry”, as I started cry but not too much because I still felt a coldness in me that allowed my feelings to stir. She snuck me into a bedroom, and we kissed for hours rolling around on the bed. I was on cloud nine again and everything she did before circled back around in those hours and I fell for it all over again. I couldn’t tell what she was feeling but I didn’t care because all I cared about was how I felt and how I felt was almost like when you go on a plane for the first time it’s like a rush of nerves and then all at once your calm again but still living a certain fear. Uncertain of what could happen but not caring because your excited to get to where you’re going next. Yet, because of the naïve uncertainty you may just drive yourself into a purpose that gives you all kinds of fears to overcome. Let’s be real, I was one of those people who didn’t understand how to love, I was not shown what unconditional love was between two people or I was traumatized by certain experiences in my life. This time, I was discovering some of the darkest parts of myself and It was like discovering yourself for the first time in your life and you don’t know how far you’d go for someone who filled the emptiness inside of you, you resented for so long. As my resentment began to ignite so did my paranoia. I remember feeling like I didn’t deserve her and always thinking she was flirting with or going to end up with someone else. I was willing to do whatever I could to keep her which was not good on my part because she wasn’t willing to do the same. I felt her looking in guys directions and she would tell me I was doing that. She wanted to start a fight about anything and everything. But what really got to me was how her uncle took the whole relationship. He told her I was playing her and that is something I didn’t take lightly. So, I marched up to his bedroom and asked him, “what kind of person did he think I was? He pretty much only spoke Spanish and I didn’t know what he was saying back but he lit a fire in me. I started pointing my fingers in his face and the mother came out of the bedroom. I stopped and looked at them I knew then I was crossing a line, but it was a line I was willing to cross to prove to them how much she meant to me. It wasn’t like she brought out the best in me. Looking back on it felt like she was trying to rip my heart out or steal my soul. I’ve always strived to be good, but somehow my love for her turned me into a monster. I don’t think it was love thinking back on it, I think it was fuel of wanting to be with someone like everyone else gets to. She fueled my fire of anger in myself for being so different for not being able to like men in such ways that fulfills who they are. She got really close to my best friend, the one that got to drunk and I locked him in the car. Sometimes I felt like watching her get close to a man made her happier than I could, and I thought to myself again why is she with me. I couldn’t find myself to come to terms with the fact that it wasn’t love but perhaps she only loved me because it was fun for her to play games. Perhaps, it was that I saw the good in her that radiated everything else that made her cold. The more she possessed me into thinking I was the bad guy the more I became that. I started to get the feeling that she never needed me and that gave me depression. I felt like I needed her and when it’s only a one-sided relationship you can definitely lose yourself in the process over time. Her mom the way she reacted to the whole thing I couldn’t tell if she was upset or happy about it. In the beginning she would try to talk to me, but I couldn’t really speak Spanish as much as I tried. But over time, I don’t know what she really thought they had conversations I wasn’t told about, but she would always hit her not super physically, but it was kind of playful, I don’t know. She was a catholic woman and those type of people are taught this type of relationship is sinful and I became paranoid in thoughts. She went to Mexico one day, she couldn’t handle what was going on in her house, I think from her daughter developing anxiety to another being sinful in her eyes. Her son always having an attitude with her and so on and so forth. My thoughts became bizarre, I felt like she was going to go there to do witchcraft on me to get me away from her daughter. I felt like in a way she blamed me for everything, and I felt like it was all my fault and I should leave. This thought came from a story she told me about her mom doing witchcraft on Jamie saying she was going to get pregnant early, but she never did. The witchcraft friend daughter instead got pregnant early. That kind of story can make you think especially to a thinker like myself. Mostly it got me thinking that she was a witch and that she was trying to condemn me to hell. I can’t really say why my thoughts became so terrible, it was the darkest part of me coming to life and it didn’t start there. Perhaps, it was my fault not loving her the right way, but I just didn’t know how. I felt a need for her that was only ingrained in me to fill a void inside of me and I thought she could save me. I thought that was what love was where you save someone from themselves. I learned that after, actually, in this moment I just learned that. Looking back now, I can think of a moment where I wanted her to save me, but she didn’t. It was after we slept together, I felt like she had this chemistry with my best friend, and I could have sworn I heard her say his name. He came over that same day and we were fighting about it before. I said, “you said Nathan” and she said, “no I didn’t, gross”. She laughed it off and I took it seriously, when I saw them hanging out together, I became instantly jealous and grabbed her arm from him. She was shaking and didn’t budge so I hit the wall and ran out the door. Waiting for her to come to me in the street she didn’t, and I felt broken. I didn’t even feel any shame for what I did, in my head I blamed her. I grew hate in my mind for her, but I can feel a boiling hurt in my heart. I never needed someone to complete me until I met her, it was like I was addicted to the feeling. So, I walked back in and apologized to her and she accepted It. I couldn’t understand why she would, but she did, and my mind ran back to her, my heart felt complete again. I started thinking about how we first met, and I thought to myself that she may just be the love of my life. Yet, that jealousy never went away, her best friend who said she would date her if she was gay came to stay with us. I wanted her to like me but the way they actually completed each other in joyous ways made me feel I couldn’t do that, and, in my mind, I began to hate her friend. I wasn’t the only jealous one in the relationship if I looked in the other direction of a female, she would scold me. Saying I liked her and should be with her. She had no confidence that I loved her in a way. I’ll be honest I loved her for the way she laughed and smiled at me. I loved the feeling and that wasn’t an unconditional love. The feeling of being wanted or being loved. I ended up getting a job for the summer as a caretaker for the disabled up in the mountains and it would be with a bunch of girls. The drama that came with being around a bunch of girls, the anxiety in me lifted into a frenzy that I didn’t understand why I was experiencing such pain. The girls and my boss gained up on me, told me I wasn’t doing the job right. I had experienced this opinion before, and I was afraid I would lose the job. Instead of letting myself learn, I would completely shatter myself in my mind first. Jamie didn’t want me to go because she thought I’d fall for someone or something. But in my mind, she was all I wanted, and I didn’t think anyone would want me that way. Yet, there was one girl that I began to like. I don’t know if she knew it, but I tried to talk to her several times and didn’t know why I did. I wanted to expand the reason further, so I thought I’d be honest with Jamie. I told her that she reminded me of her, a version of her that was what I wanted Jamie to be again. I think that was why I liked her she reminded me of Jamie in the beginning of our relationship, fun and spontaneous. It wasn’t that I didn’t want Jamie, I did, but she took it like I was cheating on her. She began to give me this mean look that broke my heart and I felt like she turned into this unreasonable monster. “You like her don’t you” and I replied “no, I don’t”. I wish my mind wasn’t in a whirlwind at the time, it began to go downhill. It was something I wanted to explain in a way that she understood but she just didn’t want too, and I lost it. I heard a strong voice tell me to go outside, “go to the rock it said”. I looked at her and told her I had to go outside. I marched outside to the middle of the desert that was next to her house, a place I always go to think. This time it was a place I would go to lose my mind. The voices in my head told me that I was the chosen one and I heard my parent’s voices telling me I was. It was time to fight Satan they said. I believed it because it sounded so real and I would cry in the desert hoping for a purpose that was beyond me. I was at a place in my life where I felt completely alone and lost because nothing worked out for me and everyone I ever loved would just walk away. Before this happened, I went back home to get myself together, but I felt more depressed without her then I ever felt. I became addicted to the feeling of being wanted by someone and being free on my own. I was so afraid I had no purpose here on earth, so I believe I created one in my mind. Or perhaps I was given one or maybe I was being punished for the person I was becoming. I don’t really know. But, I marched in the field like I had a purpose, like I was really the Savior of this earth and I was going to do everything I had to do to enlighten that idea. Yet my mind took a turn when I went back inside, it was all good and I waited on “God” to tell me what do. As I waited patiently it became night- time and I could feel the energy in the room me shift. She was upset about a conversation I had with her before I went outside and was given “gods calling”. The voices sounded like my mom and Dad, but I couldn’t make out where it was coming from, either way I thought it was god talking to me because before this I prayed like hell to give me a purpose. I felt that this was it, I think it was the fact that I wanted to be special and I wanted to be great. So, the voices started telling me I was the chosen one and I could hear my parents crying. I screamed at the top of my lungs, “As, I walk through the valley of death I shall fear no evil”. The voices started to explain to me what was evil, from the crows in the sky to my girlfriend being Satan’s daughter. I was terrified, I came up with a plan to leave the house she was in because I could feel this negative energy in the room, and it told me it was her. I went upstairs and knocked on her sister’s door, she opened it and I lied and said her sister was upset because she missed her mom. Her mom went to Mexico. Her sister bought it and went downstairs but she hesitated and asked if I was okay. I said, “I was fine, and that she needed her sister”. Jamie yelled at her and asked her what she wanted. Her sister shut the door and Jamie came out looking for me. I started to get upset because no one was listening to me. I thought to myself, aren’t I the chosen one? What is happening? Jamie got upset because she thought I was acting strange and her instincts were right. I walked up the stairs as she yelled at me what was wrong. I began to cry and said I wanted my family. She began to lose control of me, and I think she felt like she could control me, so she hit the closet door. I got in her face and was trying to show her I was the powerful one. She didn’t back down and her brother got close to the both of us and things settled. I don’t remember what happened after that but from what my sister told me she called her, and Jamie took me home. I don’t really remember going back home. Yet, I can recall waking up in the middle of the night to some noises that left me anxious and frightful. I hallucinated a black demon-like creature telling me it was Satan and he was going to possess my family. I ended up scaring my little sister by telling her Satan was in her and I had to take him out. I didn’t know exactly what I was supposed to do. She thought I was possessed and ran to my parents’ room. I explained I was the chosen one and I heard the creature in another room, so I said I had to go and followed it. This happened all night and my family tried to get me to sleep but I was so scared and anxious I couldn’t. I ended up going to the crisis center and they suggested I’d be admitted into the psych ward by choice. I said I was fine, and everyone believed me, or they just were so clueless with what was happening they just believed me. I went to work with a broken mind and had another episode of telling everyone I was the chosen one and Satan was there. My boss ended up calling an ambulance as was taking away I was told I needed to go back. So, I started banging on the walls to turn back and they admitted me into the psych ward instead. I stayed there for three days and when I got out, I experienced the vilest hallucinations and dreams of a demon trying to possess me. This went on for months until my mom was able to find a doctor that could help me. I can’t even begin to describe the agony that went with the anxiety of it all. It was terrible and my life completely flipped upside down. I lost my job, my car, my girlfriend, and my soul for a while. I was often upset, and my thoughts turned evil because that’s what I was experiencing. I felt like I was being punished or that I had some kind of hex put on me. We finally found medication that brought me back to some sort of reasonable person. Yet, I had to fight my way of feeling ashamed or feeling anxious every time I went to sleep. Hoping I don’t end up hallucinating again, I realized my thoughts needed to change and I needed to be happy on my own. I isolated myself and didn’t speak for a long time. I wanted to die on multiple occasions. Luckily, I convinced myself that living was the best I can do for myself and that trying to change my thoughts was the road I needed to take. I started to study brain experts and therapist who basically helped me realize I am in control of what I think. This turned a table for me, and I began to get myself back little by little. I worked and talked more about what I was going through and the help of my doctor made me realize that I didn’t necessarily cause the chemical imbalance in my brain. Which made me realize I wasn’t being punished it just sort of happened. I have to say that sometime going through dark time makes you realize the amount of love you are lacking in your life because of you. It is your responsibility and choice to deliver love from darkness. I have since then completed a bachelor’s degree in psychology and I'm working on my master’s in creative writing. I’ve realized after writing for my bachelor’s degree, in my journal, and in my free time I enjoy it. I’ve realized that the best way to impact the people is by telling my story or other stories that inspire people to not be afraid of the darkest parts of you but to use it to enlighten your soul.
By Cerina Galvan3 years ago in Confessions
The Chosen Merman
The ocean is a mysterious war zone with many creatures, in particular mermaids and sharks. They live in the same depths of the ocean, co-existing for the same purpose to relinquish the travesties that humans have poured onto them as evil creatures. But what is the most devastating part about living in this place is the constant killing of my friends. My name is Benjamin and I’m a merman. We are extremely careful of our existence, when the savior came, he called for a war against human nature. He isn’t what people hope him to be, he was a prophet trying to change the world and program it to believe that we are here to live for one purpose. When the greatest purpose of all is infinite, we live for ourselves. We live to live. Then we die and go to other places to experience more. That is what my people believed and before Christ that is how the world was. He was scared that we wouldn’t obey the commandments of the world and trapped many into believing we must live a certain way in order to go into the heavens, an afterlife that goes on forever. But our society knew the truth. We learned this truth from the way we understand our oceans to be, infinite. Always evolving, always existing, always living. The oldest creatures that live in the ocean are called sharks, they eat anything that betrays them, and perhaps they eat fish that are going to die. They existed long before the “savior” came to be. Now, they have become soulless living in fear that the humans have programmed to be. Sharks also have minds, fears, and can be loving creatures. However, they have formed a war with the humans, and they are trying to get us to do the same. They are killing the oceans and our eco system that nourishes us and allows us to live. When the humans started to eat our food, that exist deep in the oceans, they also started taking our creatures from dolphins to whales and so on. We have been lucky enough to hide in the very deep of the oceans heart to protect us, however it’s become so toxic we are dying. We believe that human’s carelessness for our salvation comes from fear that became to be by the “savior” who told them to kill us and flourish. We weren’t beautiful enough for him and we didn’t listen to what he had to say, because of our own beliefs. Yet, If I can somehow turn my fins into feet and blend in with the people as they mistake me for a human, I’ll be set. I’ve lived with the sharks as my allies for so long now, I’m 200 years old. They don’t eat us because we hunt soulless sharks and take them down. Although, I have met sharks with souls believe it or not also live in the depths of the heart of the ocean. It is now my duty to reconcile these two worlds and understand the need to punish each other. The witch that lives in the sea has said to be able to turn mermen into humans with a special spell. I must talk to the sharks who travel the ocean far and away to know where she lives. As I gather my belongings, I hear a boat go by, that’s what the humans call it. They must be planning another shark attack, I must follow. The ocean is enormous and filled with wondrous creatures that I get to call home. As I swim nearby the boat, I must be careful not to get caught. If the humans know of our existence, they will infiltrate us. The coral reef is exuberating and the many fish that live there are surprised to see me.
By Cerina Galvan3 years ago in Fiction
Peace
I wake up and the need to put my thoughts in order construes to the blank sheet of paper that’s right in front of me. How can I determine how I feel in words that can only explain so much but explain everything at the same time? It’s like the meaning of love, an easy thing to get into that can bring you a sense of belonging and peace. I enjoy writing about mental illness because it’s what I experience. It’s a matter that is controversial to society but internally devastating to someone experiencing it. My experience was like no other when I was going through it. It was like my mind took over my entire being and controlled everything I thought and said. It’s not something that I feel is necessary to be judged by. It’s not something that should be poked by blame for. It’s something that should be seen like any kind of disease. It’s like having a tumor in the brain, you take medication to devour it, to shrink the mass that is holding back the person’s ability to function correctly. It just occurs relentlessly and freely in the mind. Where no one knows how it occurs or why. But it is an experience like no other and perhaps its partially psychological because its unique to the persons experience in life. However, it is still unknowingly occurring in good people. The mind is not who you are, it is like a navigating device determining, analyzing, and experiencing who you want to be. When I journal, it brings me a sense of eye-opening experiences because not everything I think and feel makes sense. That’s the downside to having schizophrenia it injures the mind and makes everything you experience seem hindering. I can have a thought that I’m worthless and the voices take over and I get the choice to agree. Yet, sometimes I don’t even know why I think this way. It isn’t something that I’ve done or said that has allowed me to go down the path of self-destruction. But rather a feeling of worthlessness. Where does this feeling come from? I think it comes from the chemical imbalance in my brain that is disturbing the chemicals that allow me to feel the right way. You see it’s all a science and not a spiritual disconnection with god. It should not be stigmatized. It is something I have to deal with on a regular basis because there has been more stigmatizing then trying to find answers to what is happening in the mind. It has to be more than a chemical imbalance because there are people who take up to ten medications and still, they hallucinate and hear voices that disturb their everyday life. It’s easy to think the intrusive thoughts that happen in my mind are something that is real because everything you experience in your consciousness is created in your subconscious. Everything that occurs In your mind is the experience you face in life. So, at first you can’t help but believe it’s all true. But with care and wisdom you realize its one experience you face in life and don’t have to make it your reality even though its disturbing. I don’t wish this illness on anyone it is hard to come out of when it’s something you face every day not knowing when the voices will occur or when you’re going to hallucinate. With great support and medication, you can choose to believe it Is just a disease that is medical and physical. Although there are still people out there who believe it’s a spiritual occurrence and that is easy to believe, its only detrimental to the person experiencing this to believe that. The reason is because it’s easy to feel like you’re being punished by something beyond you. Believing that will cause a feeling of not wanting to exist. So, with great care I want to illustrate that it’s important to realize it is a brain disease and nothing more that brings me too a sense of peace and realization.
By Cerina Galvan3 years ago in Psyche
The Love She Gives
For a long time, I searched for what could fulfill me being disappointed in myself if it didn’t work out or if it just plain didn’t seem like what I thought it would seem like. But early this week I had a discovery within after doing much self-discovering especially after I was forced too in order to get over a mental illness, I had subjected to a couple of years back. I realized that someone like me searches and searches for something to fulfill us only to find an emptiness in trying to fit into the world around us. What I mean by that is we expect something to fulfill us only to find that it isn’t that something that can fulfill us but what rather what can come from within. Within, what does that even mean? I realized that for so long I was escaping myself trying to be someone else because I didn’t like who I thought I was or what I saw in the mirror. Losing myself completely in a mental illness that brought me into such a dark place I can’t even begin to describe the agony that comes with it. Then, I realized only recently that the only way I can overcome this is if I learn to find ways in which the little things, I’m able to do. I’m able to fall in love with about myself. So, I realized I was a pretty good writer when I was able to complete essay after essay in college and get good grades on it. When I was younger, a teacher told me that my ability to describe something at such a young age was remarkable and I’ll never forget that. It’s not just writing where I find myself feeling happy to express myself in a way that is presumably better then when I’m speaking but my ability to listen to someone and give them my best short affiliated advice to help them in their life. My ability to understand someone is the best part of me and that is when I find myself most fulfilled. However, it is my greatest weakness because I tend to forgive very easily sometimes in an instant I forgive. Which can cause me more hurt then justice in life. But I rather not focus on that fear. Instead I would like to tell a little story where I saved a life by understanding them. My best friend had the greatest most complicated mother and she had an impeccable physical illness where the lungs start to slowly collapse. She was so afraid of COVID-19 that she stayed couped up in her room all day. My best friend worked at amazon for a living and while he was there his mom fell and couldn’t pick herself up, so the paramedics came broke the door down and took her to a rehab. She was having trouble breathing and there or at the hospital they sent her too is where we believe she got COVID-19. She unfortunately passed away from it not too long after. Me and him where so devastated we cried for hours while he told me on the phone that she was gone, and he couldn’t believe it. It was when I understood his pain from losing my aunt years ago when I was young. That I told him, “I know this pain it’s unlike any other pain in the world”. “There is no way to fix it but the only way to get through it and allow your feelings to feel”. That was the best advice I could give him. We all experience trauma differently and while he went out with a new friend one night and drank his life away. While, swallowing pain pills and the attempt to put the push the pain away with alcohol and drugs lead to him almost dying. I went to the hospital and luckily, they let me in. I held his hand and I told him I understood why he tried to take the pain away and to please come back because I needed him. He woke up and the guilt he felt was all over his face. I told him not to feel that way we all make mistakes and ever since I’ve known him, he’s always been strong. This time it wasn’t something that he could be strong about and I understood. He recovered thankfully and now he calls me every week, or I call him, and we talk about his pain before he does something mistakenly. It has been six months since then and I have thankfully been able to get through to him on many occasions. It’s a hard task but I know pain all too well not to feel it with him.
By Cerina Galvan3 years ago in Fiction