If Only She Knew

Nothing has ever been easy for me. Even from the start. Entering this world, I was two parts disaster and one part tragedy.

I entered this world with a bang; a literal one. Born after a car crash, I spent 12 weeks in an incubator clinging to life as much as a 30 week gestation baby could. No one could of predicted what would happen in the years to follow.

My mother, the strong-willed woman that she was, never gave up hope. She was always there; holding my tiny hands and cradling me through the incubator. She then spent the following 24 years showing me the true power of what a woman can do and the love a mother has for her child.

Mum, if only you knew the lessons you taught me in these last 24 years. If only you knew that the reason why I've chosen to view suicide as not an option is because I could never pass on my hurt to you. You've taught me a lot of things; all of which were important.

1- Never give up hope - From the very beginning you clung to hope that I would stay alive, and I did. You still cling to that hope that I'll get better now that I spend three quarters of my life in hospital beds and emergency rooms. You've not once given up your hope for me to have a better life than the one I have now. When I suffered abuse at the hands of a psychopath, you hoped that I would escape. When I finally did, you hoped my future would be brighter. You've been hoping for better things for me and not once have you given up that hope or thrown in the towel. This lesson that you've taught me has given me my own hope that I can finally overcome the obstacles that life has thrown me and finally get to my destination that you always hoped for: for me to be honestly and truly happy.

2- Don't accept less than what you are worth - You've gone through so many hardships in the last few years. You've gone through divorce, distress, heartache, and so much more. Yet, you choose to take the reins of your life and decide that you are worth more than what people have put you through. You choose to put your foot down and tell people that you will not accept less than what you are actually worth, even when it takes time to realize that. This lesson taught me to put my own foot down and try to take control of my own life. Forcing myself to see my self-worth and realize that I deserve so much more than what life is handing me, and making me say: "I won't accept this because I am worth more than what you are giving me". This lesson was one of the hardest to learn, especially after being a victim of abuse, in all forms of the word. Once you removed me from my home, you opened my eyes and made me realize that I never should have accepted what was happening to me, because I am worth so much more than that. For that, I always will be grateful.

3- Suicide just passes your hurt onto others - In my darkest times, when I was isolated from you, I did the unspeakable; I tried to take my own life. It was only months later did I reach out for help to escape the dark corners of my mind. When you came to see me, I could see the hurt in your eyes when I told you what I was thinking. I could see that I could have hurt you in an inexplicable way. When you told me: "Suicide isn't an answer. It just passes your pain onto others." I realized that this was true. I could see it in those beautiful eyes, that if you had lost me to my own hand, not only would it devastate you, it would destroy you. We had gone through so much together, from the very start, and if I took that away from you, it would tear you apart. I will never forget this, and to this day, when the thoughts creep back into my mind, I remember your voice.

While you taught me so many other life lessons, these remain the most important. They are etched into my mind like carvings into stone. I can hear your beautiful voice every time something arises in my life that puts me into difficult, unhealthy, depressing, or tragic positions. I can hear it as clear as day. It's why, when I am your ear to listen and your shoulder to cry on, that I do it without hesitation or annoyance. You have always been my ear and my shoulder, so when you need someone, I am always there for you.

Mum, If only you knew the lessons you taught me.