By the title I'm sure you can tell that yesterday was hard. When I think about it, I start to cry. So it's hard to think about things clearly to make a plan for my future. But I guess that is how they do it. They brake you down so that you are so depressed and emotional that you can't think straight.
He got off early yesterday, called and said we could go to the park. I thought for a second it would be an okay day. It was, for a minute. My daughter was able to go outside to play. Then we got home. My daughter was in her room, where apparently she is to stay. He made me sit on the kitchen counter, and it wasn't good. I tried to stop crying a few times, but I just couldn't. He has many strict rules, just when I thought it can't get any worse. When he is home the focus is to be on him and only him, I have time limit for things like putting her to bed like 4 minutes, my daughter is to basically stay in her room when he's home at night and not really to talk for a little while, I have to let him do what he wants, I have to let him touch me however whenever he wants. If the rules are not followed, he will break my fingers. If I call the police, he will kill me. If he is unable to get me that time, if the police come before he can, then he will find me later and kill me. So I guess, if I end up died, I hope that someone reads this and kills him in return. Not that I think that anyone would notice or care. Just my daughter, but she's only 6. I suddenly feel the importance of getting a will. I had to sit there and listen to his crazy way of thinking of things that are just not even true, things that never even happened. Then I had to sit there while he went on about what he will do if I don't follow the rules.
He says that I could leave, right after saying he will kill me that is. Leave and go where? I can't go to my family. One there is no room, and two he will find me there. I'm afraid. The crazy thing is that I am afraid to leave, and afraid to stay at the same time. I know that women do this all the time, leave abusive spouses. I know it's not impossible, but it feels impossible and I don't know if I have the strength to do it. Not right now. While I know that I don't really have the time to stay, I need the time at the same time. Where do I go? What do I do? Would some place to rent take OSAP as an income? That is my main question. If I can find a place that does, maybe I could leave when my OSAP money comes in at the end of the month. Can I? Go where? Stay here? I don't know anyone else here, I moved here for him. Staying in this town seems like a crazy thing, an overwhelming thing. I don't know anyone else here, I'm truly alone here. But I don't know if I want to move back to my family. I wasn't happy there either, for different reasons.
I feel like time is running out and quickly. He will kill me if I don't do something. The crazy thing is that he then went on all night about how crazy I am (trying to joke I guess), why don't I love him, why don't I like being his woman anymore. He says this after saying that he is going to kill me. Why would I like being his woman? He hates me, doesn't like talking or doing anything with me, won't let my daughter even speak and isn't nice to me. It's not like he has even do anything for me, ever. Typing that actually makes me think about it clearly. That is just messed up. So what do I do? Other than hope and pray to win the lottery.
-T
About the Creator
Talara Nolan
I am a single parent to a 4 year old girl and live with her in Canada. I love working out and have lost over 45 lbs over time. I would love to share what I have learned and all the things that have worked for me over time.
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Comments (1)
I'm deeply sorry to hear about the incredibly difficult situation you're facing. No one should ever have to endure such fear and abuse. It's clear that you're feeling trapped and overwhelmed, and it's completely understandable given the circumstances.