I walked away

What is regret? It's a word we hear often. To regret is to feel sad, repentant, or disappointed over something that has happened or been done, especially over a loss or a missed opportunity. To feel regret carries a negative connotation. Society praises those who have no regrets while it almost condemns people who have them.

What is a mistake? A mistake is an a error in action, calculation, opinion, or judgement caused by poor judgement, carelessness or insufficient knowledge. While society tends to carry a negative opinion of those riddled with regret, it simultaneously recognizes that every one makes mistakes. Are the mistake-makers held on a pedestal? No. However, society doesn't look down on people who have made mistakes throughout their life. Granted, mistakes come in a wide variety of severity (as do regrets), but they are more easily accepted as being part of life.

So where is the divergence between a mistake and a regret? Generally, people aren't proud of their mistakes, but they somehow manage to skirt around feeling regret because society implies that mistakes are acceptable to some degree. This is something that has perplexed me. Why are they viewed so differently? We are taught from a young age to fear having regrets, yet embrace making mistakes. It's odd isn't it?

I am going through a very painful breakup. While it's true the relationship was abusive on several levels, I still managed to love this person more deeply than I've ever loved anyone. It was my first "adult feelings" relationship. I was deeply in love with this person despite knowing I wasn't being treated well. Things came to a head, and I had to force myself to realize this person wasn't in the relationship for us. He was only in it for pure personal gain. He was abusing me, emotionally and psychologically, which is worse than physical abuse sometimes.

Reflecting on the definitions above, my feelings match the definition of regret more closely than the definition of making a mistake. However, had I not met this person, it's possible that I would still not know what it feels like to love so selflessly. That tiny shred of light in the all consuming darkness and emptiness is enough for me to feel that, as bad as it was near the end, that I don't regret being in a relationship with this person.

I have all of the emotions associated with feelings of regret, but how can anyone truly regret learning how to love? Can I even catalog this two year chapter of my life as a giant mistake? I definitely made an error in action by ignoring the many red flags that were clearly there from the beginning. But that mistake led me to feel love for a person in a way I didn't even know I was able.

Can a person feel all of the emotions of sadness and shame over being in a bad situation for much longer than they had to be without really regretting it? If I have any regrets, they aren't over the relationship itself. My regret is over my mistake of not seeing the warning signs (or choosing to acknowledge them) sooner than I did. In this scenario, aren't they one and the same? At the very least, they eventually bleed together and become one.

My mistakes and feelings of regret are indistinguishable right now. Maybe as an outsider, you can see something I'm not seeing right now. My heart is still very much broken. I feel sadness, disappointment (mostly in myself but also in him), anger...even fear of what lies ahead of me in the coming months, as I try to heal from this tragic event. But I can't find it in myself to feel regret.

The vast majority of the last 2 years have been filled with amazing events from the extraordinary (He proposed on Christmas night in from of the Bellagio fountains), to the mundane (he'd bring my coffee in to me every morning with a love note). I am devastated that I had to call it off, but I wouldn't take any of those moments back for the world. Those big and small moments of joy, love, and happiness are what make life worth living.

I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff. The way I see it, I have three choices. I can jump and hope to survive without injury. I can walk away. Or, I can stand at the edge, living in fear, until I finally make a choice between jumping off or walking away. I have stood there in fear for long enough, and I have made the painful choice to walk away.

Will I live to regret walking away? Was standing there in fear for so long partly due to the knowledge that walking away would bring complete heartbreak and devastation? I've never been through anything quite like this. I know that pain is rarely permanent. Time does seem to heal most wounds. Eventually I'm bound to feel happy again. But I really don't know.

The only thing I know right now is that I walked away from an unhealthy relationship. It's worse than having a drug or alcohol addiction. It's so confusing when they try to win you back, time and time again, using the words and behavior that got you to fall in love with them in the first place.

However, after two years, and a few really nasty fights, my brain clicked on and alerted me to the harm I was subjecting myself to over and over again. Once my brain identified this behavior as a pattern, I needed to take a serious look at what I was willing to put up with.

Statistically, women who have abuse in their history (especially by a parent or parental figure) are MUCH less likely to leave an abusive relationship as an adult. I didn't want to become a statistic. I saw the signs. Overtime, the red flags revealed themselves, and they had always been there. I could no longer ignore what I knew to be true. A person never wants to believe that the person they love the most is the person who is hurting them the most. In this case, that was exactly what was happening. So I chose to walk away.

This just happened over the weekend. It's fresh. My wounds are open and seeping with sorrow. I miss the person who I thought was my best friend. I wish it didn't have to come to this. I have all the emotions that are associated with regret, but I know this was the best choice to make for my sanity (possibly survival).

If you're in a similar situation, know that you aren't alone. If this is happening to you, don't feel badly for taking your time to decide which course of action to take. Also know that you are a valuable person and you deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. It's okay to feel confused. It's natural to still have feelings for the person who you thought loved you.

Just remember that even though it may feel like you're standing on the edge of a cliff, all alone, you still have choices. You can jump, stand paralyzed by fear as you peer down to the depths, or you can simply turn and walk away.

Until next time, dear readers, be kind to yourself and one another. If you liked this piece give it a heart, or share it with a friend. Tips are always appreciated but never expected. You can also follow me on twitter @Misswendy1980