i think i hate U

I know hate is a strong word, but these days, when I think of you, I no longer get that warm feeling. See, we shared sweat, but never mournings. I shared my dreams, and this bed and all the tricks I had learned in it- with you. You'd furrow your brow and lick your fingers and read me like a book. You told me I was good for you. So good, we outlined more chapters in the middle of the night on the phone. Til the phone just stopped ringing. Too many false alarms with my almost lover, with his hand on my triggers.

There was such a thin line between love and what we made; and when I finally crossed to the other side, I could finally feel again, all the unpleasantries that came from being lovesick. I remember how, after so many weeks apart, epiphanies struck me so suddenly like a bolt of lightning. It seemed pain was my electricity. I had emptied my fridge onto my finest china for you. Neglected the peace of sleep just to watch you rest. I was a shapeshiftin' lover breakin back and bread and rules for you with the audacity to wonder where all my power went. Without you, I didn't work. But without me, we wouldn't have. And that slowly realized fact, seemed to really get the gears turning and the heart beating fast. It seemed pain was the only muse that stood beside me against the test of time. Stubbornly waiting for me to realize its allegiance to me.

Where was my lover? Where was the love of my own life? I was a nightowl, who had learned to wake early in the morning for her daily check- that bread. And at first, the bread had no flavor; most obligations left my tongue dry as it drenched my perspectives with cold hard bitterness. I was tired of the lovers that loved to leave so freely after all the lengths they took me through to make sure I would call them "mine". I finessed the few cloths I had and acted as my own fairy godmother, transforming rags to look rich; granting my wishes at my own expense. And it was expensive, so damn expensive, to keep up appearances, as I stood alone at the bus stop waiting on the next thing to come and get me, pretending to be brave while the lurkers looked on. There was something intrinsically beautiful about the broken; how even glued back together, the cracks still showed. You could trace the point of impact along the subtle lines. You could see the places where the glass no longer shined.

Why'd you have to go and leave me shattered, my Love? I could still feel the vibrations that screamed through the echoing disappointment. I could still feel my lips pressed against the spine of your neck, as it softened and tensed beneath this hungry mouth. I was starving for affection at the hands of anybody who had the eyes to truly behold me. You were the first man I didn't have to put on for. Who could see through my crooked smiles and backhanded ways through to the core of whom I tried so hard to hide. I was a sad lonely girl on most days. Desperate to belong to somewhere, to someone beyond the prisoner in my bones. I lost my mind a million times a day and spent each second chasing peace. It was so miserable there alone. I wish you had stayed around long enough for me to unload the burdens that broke me down.

But like most all lovers, you left me. Stewing and hot. Boiling til the pressure rushed up through the trachea. Til all the fucks I tried to not throw up, got too acidic to swallow. I hated to admit how much I cared. How you infiltrated my dreams, and kissed me back in my subconscious. I was obsessed with you and so ashamed. Embarassed at another perceived loss. And though I knew I would be fine, eventually. That the sensations of you would one day be washed away like footprints in the sand. For now, the memories just haunted me. Shapes shifting and backs breaking and a heart left aching for you. Waking in the middle of the night tossing and turning for you. Craving you in my morning with my tea and TV. Avoiding every place we had ever been while sitting in the very spot we once slept.

It hurt like hell- and I never asked to go there. And I never meant to stay. But fuck babe. Why'd you leave? Why'd you ever have to leave? We could've been lonely together. I thought that I was dying without you. I thought maybe if I teetered on the edge of taking my life, you would feel me leaving and finally show up. But you didn't show. You didn't call. And I realized then and there, with the knife beckoning softly to my wrist- that pain.

Pain was the only entity that could love me more than you. So...

I retreated back into my shadows, dangerously hoping that love would find me in time, before I died.