I Really Love It When People Tell Me Who I Am and What I'll Never Be.

To say that I am nothing...

To be able to look at a life you made and tell that child that they will never amount to anything.

Some people were not made to be parents. It wasn't ordained by God. They just went and did it. And we, as their mistakes, have to reap what they sewed. We have to change our effed up lives around so that we do not become like them, have children like them, grow old and miserable like them. Money doesn't buy it all. Therapy does. Healing does. Traveling does. Being diagnosed with high functioning anxiety and depression does, and constantly telling yourself to breathe because sometimes you get so anxious that you stop... breathing...

It's childhood trauma. I have childhood trauma. But is it still considered childhood trauma when they are still doing it to you?

You know, I have never been asked how I am doing, as doing...

They never ask me.

I build myself up to fall right back down at the end of every phone call.

Stop calling me.

Boundaries.

Is this really why you called me?

Really?

Your family sucks. They are horrible people, just like you are.

I will amount to something someday.

Correction.

I do amount to something... today.

Right now, as I write this, I am someone.

I have value.

I have amounted to more than anyone in this family.

I amount to something.

But where am I?

Physically I am here. Mentally I am gone. In the deepest and darkest hole there is. I am back in my child-like state, mentally, emotionally, and physically. I am better than I used to be. I still forget to breathe more often than I'd like, but I recognize it and don't blame myself for shutting down and or lashing out. Immediately fighting the countless urges to burst into tears, crawl into a corner, and cry until my brain feels like it wants to melt out of my ears, and my eyes feel heavy and look like puffer fish.

I am okay.

As I look outside at the rain coming down like the sky is crying hysterically for me, I am okay. I hung up, I set boundaries...I picked up. Let's start with that. She heard my voice after months of no texts or phone calls, only to tell me what I will never be, never accomplish, never never never.

Daily affirmations are garage when you still ride on someone else's toxic rollercoaster. But I do have to start being kinder to myself.

Be more understanding and not so hard on myself.

Leave. When I need to leave.

Lash out, if I need too.

Set. More. Boundaries. for myself... to save myself. The soul that makes me, me.

The disturbance she brings me irritates my soul more than anything else.

I have worked so hard to become me, who I am every single day, and with one phone call she erases it, if just for a few minutes.