I'm not afraid to be such a tough girl

In February 2014, I took a car with my suitcase to Anhui province to record "Super Speaker". I was happy and excited on the high-speed train. On this trip, I was an unburdened passer-by, a relaxed bystander, and an expectant stranger. All I needed to do was to experience the shocks and surprises carefully. After that, I went back to school to live a real life.

At that time, I must have never thought of the embarrassment and entanglement that followed.

After arriving in Anhui, I was put in a hotel for three days before it was my turn to record. The first round of taping consisted of more than 60 contestants, and the daily routine began around 3 p.m. and lasted until 11 p.m., sometimes even later, with the contestants rehearsing the next day when the stage was empty.

The process of waiting only unbearable loneliness anxiety, always feel very hungry, but no appetite. For three nights, I almost had insomnia. I didn't know why I was nervous, but my heart beat was suddenly faster, my palms were sweaty, and I was disgusted with myself.

I feel like I've never had such a big occasion in my life. If I wasn't nervous about the cameras, the lights, the 300 living people and the four mentors I could only see on TV, I'd be possessed.

I feel like I spent my entire life stressing out on the first round of Super Orator.

Being nervous isn't the hardest part.

Unendingly, after I had introduced myself, I tried to relieve the pressure of the stage by mentioning the text messages I had received from my friends on the way here in the morning.

Friend said: if you are nervous, put the audience as a tree a radish.

In combination with the current nervous mood, I said: AFTER all, I can not treat the audience as a radish, no radish will move.

The instructor immediately replied, Do you mean you don't want the audience to interact with you?

If my previous anxiety had pulled all my thoughts into a thin, taut string, then at this moment, the string finally broke, my thoughts were out of line, my feet were all out of order, what would I say? In fact, it was just a casual joke, after all, the rest of the speech is fun, experience tells me that an uncomfortable person, a person in a tense mood is never funny, I just want to relax.

If I say, "No, no, no, that's not what I meant.

And I cannot answer, yes. Because THAT's not what I meant!

I didn't think of any other way to respond.

I was tongue-tied. No, I didn't mean that.

Feeling depressed is not a good sign.

It's like in life when you casually joke with your best friend before you leave the house and say gee, my hair looks as bad as a dog today, and he seriously asks you, do you mean you don't want to go out with me?

How can people on stage not expect an interactive response from the audience? The rhetorical question made me nervous and unable to respond.

The rest of the speech was completely mechanized, and I knew the script by heart. It was only at the last moment that my mentor turned around and heard a thud and I knew I was safe. Then someone asks me in a trance, did you look surprised because you thought all three instructors were patting you?

I did mistakenly think that all three tutors had taken pictures of me, but I was like a girl who mistakenly thought someone had a crush on me, embarrassed to admit unrequited love.

In our daily lives, we seldom directly expose such embarrassments. On this stage, if I did not admit such a question, I would probably be accused of not being frank enough.

I forgot what MY answer was.

I almost gave up the game at that moment.

I realized that it was so difficult, so out of my control, that I couldn't imagine what was going to happen. I'm not smart enough, I'm not confident enough, I'm actually a very dumb person, and WHEN bad situations happen, I can't even show enough sense and composure.

Fially, my tutor asked me, do you hate the other two for not choosing you?

And then, sobbing, I let out the last breath of real anger I had on my chest and said, I'm going to make you sorry.

No one knows what will happen next, maybe I will fail again, the end of a miserable. I didn't even consider whether I had the strength to make people regret it. Self-esteem does not allow his brain to jump out, defend such a refused to concede defeat of me.