I fell in love with my FWB…

It’s the way he made me feel, the way he made me laugh… but mostly, the way it brought back my passion for trying new things and the sense of adventure. I felt dead inside, no motivation, no emotions. He was the best thing that happened to me but also the worse thing. It wasn’t supposed to happen this way… I wasn’t supposed to fall in love. What happened?!

It started at work… I have been at this job for a while now, set down some roots with this company, everyone knows what I’m capable of doing; I’m a great employee. But, I’m not appreciated nor recognized, so I ventured out for a month but the new job wasn’t what I thought, so I called my previous boss and asked her if I could go back… she surprisingly said yes! I was ecstatic… overjoyed! I returned to the place where my colleagues didn’t appreciate me but my customers did, so I changed my perspective on things and went on about my days just doing my job… doing my time and getting out. I was just happy to be back.

While work was going great, my personal life, or lack thereof, was in the trenches… it was boring, lifeless, stressful, and cold. But I was so busy with work and had my head buried in the sand, that it didn’t seem that big of an issue… until you came along. About two weeks into my return, the HR manager was walking around introducing you to our team, showing you off like her own personal trophy, little did she know that you would end up being mine. I think I zeroed in on you while you were still looking to find your prey, like a lion approaching quietly in the fields of tall grass ready to strike. For a while, I forgot about you, continued with my boring life of an 8-5 schedule, when I saw you send me a message through our work chat… weirdly, it put a smile on my face and dark thoughts in my mind… but the conversations were innocent. It began as a naive joke and turned into something more forbidden and secretative. I had to remind you as well as myself that we were being watched and should probably stop. You did stop… I didn’t want you to.

A couple of days went by, you messaged me again asking me to lunch, I agreed but we never went. Then, you messaged me later on and gave me your number saying “since we can’t do this on the work chat, maybe we should get to know each other outside of work”. I was shocked… I was blown away by your persistence and your drive to want to get to know me… I was drawn in and responded with a hello text. Meanwhile, I was still trying to fix things with my ex… I did tell you that I wasn’t single in the case you wanted to pursue something with me, but you quicky told me that you weren’t someone that I would want to get involved with… I was relieved yet disappointed. It gave me an opportunity to figure out things with my ex, see if it was still something that could be fixed, but without any doing of mine, it unraveled on its own. I was available for anything and life was my playground again.

You and I continued to talk as friends, nothing seemed to come from it, which was fine. One day my world shattered when you texted me saying, “my ex came back wanting to fix things… but we can continue to be friends”. As a good friend, I wished you the best and hoped that things worked out… deep down wishing that it wouldn’t. So, we came up with a rule where we wouldn’t ask about each other’s relationships, I respected that. But one day, I noticed your jealousy when you asked if things were good with my ex … at that point, you still didn’t know that I wasn’t with him anymore, so I told you everything was great… you had a look on your face that made me want to tell you the truth but I didn’t because of the rule we had agreed to. Our friendship continued and got stronger with time.

One random day, you came to my office and had something in your hand, you kept looking down at it as if you weren’t sure if to give it to me or not… you left it on my desk and walked away. Anxious to know what it was, since it was wrapped in a tissue, I put it in my pocket and went for a walk on my break… it was a three musketeers chocolate! You put a smile on my face simply because it was the cutest thing anyone had done for me in a while. I texted you to say thanks and went about my walk. I never ate it because I wanted to bask in the moment; maybe over analyzing it. In the days that followed, you started acting strange, your attitude with me changed, so I was concerned. I asked you if everything was ok, you said the most dreadful words… “I’m busy. We’ll talk when we talk. I’ll see you if I see you”. To me, it was odd that you would act this way, and I didn’t know how to react… so I lashed out. I said things I shouldn’t, with an instance sense of regret. I had a feeling in the pit of my stomach that I felt I would lose you.

We eventually talked about it, we apologized for the things that were said and the reactions that took place. I felt we were much more close from there. One evening that we were supposed to go to dinner after work, we kind of had a fallout and almost ended up not going; I went out and did my nails, you offered to come by and asked for the address then went to dinner. From then on, we started hanging out more and more, you started coming to my house to pick me up… things got heated. We had a routine of doing things in the car and then grabbing something to eat, but the last time we did, I told you when you dropped me off “whatever this was that we were doing, it didn’t have to consist of you taking me out to eat, it could simply be just ‘that’”. I grabbed my bag and was getting out the car when you said “I like going out with you, I don’t mind taking you out… can I get a hug and a kiss before you go?” I turned around, reached in for a hug, gave you a kiss, and went on my way.

Walking to my house, I was pondering curiously about this moment we had, I wondered if you were feeling for me the way I was feeling for you. But I slept on it, I continued our friendship as if nothing had changed. I continue our conversations and try to not feed into my emotions. But I can’t help how I feel… I am a hopeless romantic at heart, I can’t help falling for people that I find an interest in. I had never had such a relationship with anyone, I have never even had a fling, for the fact that I didn’t want to catch feelings. With you, it’s different… you are so genuine with me… but you’re taken. And for that, I will put my feelings aside… I don’t want to lose you, my friend.