I don't want kids

I just remember people mentioning that "I think you'll be a good mom when you grow up" while I was just playing with my Barbie dolls. Looking back doesn't make a lot of sense because there is no real work in taking care of a Barbie doll. But being younger I thought they were right. I would be a good mom. Until my nephew was born.

My nephew was born when I was in high school, my sister was not a good mother. I was not ready for any of the work that went into taking care of this baby. My sister blew off her responsibility of being a mother. She thought only taking care of him when he was happy or calm was enough. Not when he was crying at night, not when he was hungry or doing something bad during those times he wasn't her problem so she would ignore him or just had him off to my mom or me.

Maybe I could've not taken my nephew when my sister would push him on me. But I couldn't. She wouldn't let me. She would guilt trip me saying things like I didn't love him or why am I being an awful Aunt.

While taking care of him as years went on I heard my parents' voices when I would get upset at him. I would remember how I felt when my parents yelled at me. I try my best not to yell at him now.

That made me think, my parents weren't ready to be parents when they had my sister and I. They were short tempered, snapping, taking their anger out on us, the emotional neglect and the yelling so much yelling. Then when I was in college I learned that kids will pick up their parents' habits both when they get married and when they become parents. Yes, it is possible to change these habits so the cycle does not repeat but one has to be aware of it.

That cemented it for me. I don't want kids.

'But you can change your habits to do better, why not give it a chance?' If I'm being honest I'm scared to. What if I can't change it? What if I'm worse? I forget to feed myself sometimes. I can't risk not feeding a kid.

That and the physical aspect of having kids scares me as well. Pregnancy and both physically and mentally mess with a person. I already have back problems and mental health issues I don't need anymore. Adding tot that I don't want my kid to be like me. I have so many inner battles with myself that I do not wish on anyone, especially my kid. So that is why I find it annoying when people have said I should have kids because there should be more people like me out there. I have yet to think of a proper reply for that.

Also I've come to realize I am very selfish last time I checked. It's probably not a good idea for a selfish person to have kids.

So my reasons: I don't want kids because I don't think I would be a good parent. I don't want kids because I can be very selfish. I don't want kids because I don't see myself as stable enough. I don't want them to suffer like I have.

I don't want kids not for my sake but for theirs.

But since I still have my nephew from time to time I will do my best to show him the love he needs and hopefully not fall into the habits of his mother. I don’t know if I will ever be a good mother but I will be the best Aunt I can be.