I Can't Live the Lie

Dear Mom,

For some time now, I've kept a bit of a secret from you. I'm not your perfect angel. I'm human and, as humans do, I've acted for myself. I know you want me to live a life that you've planned out for me, working a job at your company, doing things that you want me to do. It's time we had a talk about something pretty important.

If I'm being completely honest with myself, I hate the plan you've laid out for me. You love me, and I wouldn't replace you for anyone in the entire world. I know you want me to have a better life than you had at my age, but I can't have that living a lie bigger than the one I'm living now...

On the outside, I've been what you wanted. I've been the son who kept good grades, buried my nose in books, stayed away from the temptations of booze, drugs, and that pretty girl from 5th period. On the inside, I've been living adventure after adventure, learning who I am, learning what makes me happy!

That sleepover I went to in junior year? It was a party that lasted all night. The study session I went to senior year during finals? I tried that plant you made me promise I wouldn't touch. My friend's get together? I kissed both a guy and a girl. Your dream of me being the husband to your future daughter-in-law and father to your future grandchildren? Truth is, I'm not sure if I'm a man, a woman, or something completely different. I'm not sure if I'm straight, bisexual, or pansexual. I'm not even sure I want kids. The stress has been too much. That's where the scars on my arm are from.

I can tell you I want to keep learning about who I am. I want to experience the good, bad, and ugly the world has to offer without my hand being held. There's a voice in my heart that speaks every day that I've forced to hold its tongue since the first time I acted on my own decision. I think it's time I let it speak its mind.

I want to ride a motorcycle, no matter how dangerous. I want to go to the concert even though I won't have a guardian there. I want to taste the food from that food truck even though I "might not like it". This world, from shore to shore, has so many things to offer and display. I'm afraid living under your wing will keep me from living life to the fullest.

There's so much about me I haven't shared every time you asked how my day was. I was scared of how you'd react if I said bad. There's things I wanted for my birthday, but couldn't ask for because "makeup is for boys". I've heard you judge things I care about negatively, yet I can't bring myself to discuss them with you. I can't tell you why you're wrong. A majority of my life I've blankly nodded and agreed to your rules and regulations.

I've tried living your life, mom. It's time I live my own! You blame your restrictions on how you were raised, but being under the same influences as you, yet I'm better off than you. I finished highschool. I've stayed child free this whole time. I'm not addicted to any substances. I can support people like me without wanting to gain recognition for it, to be a hero for showing basic human kindness! I hope you can finally learn to support a decision I've made...for once in your life.

Always with love, Your Child.