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I can't cry

Flashback Diary

By AmberPublished 3 months ago 3 min read
Top Story - December 2023
36

There's a girl on the inside of my mind, who keeps fighting with me.

Asking me questions I can't oblige, but I listen just to see.

As she begins her daily push to break me out of my ways...

I have to hide who I really am to make it through the day.

To show you the me that exists behind my smile and polite "hello's"...

Here lays the truth, told by the girl that no one can ever know.

Why can't I cry when I want to?

Why can't I let feelings show?

Everyone says that I'm too much and I need to let it all go.

Mama says to dry my eyes and to stop making such a fuss.

And, I better not let anyone know that she had unkind touch.

Daddy wasn't there to save me when I was taken away.

All it taught me was to hide things, otherwise I'd be a disgrace.

Why do I have to be forgiving? Why not show my face?

Everyone is so hypocritical... Nice, then mean the next day.

My sisters cry late at night, because they're scared of the dark.

That's not what I'm afraid of... My fear, it comes from the heart.

Am I really all of the things that I do?

Or all of the things that have been done to me?

I try to do right by all that I know.

Though, no one lets me be.

This life is so lonesome, I cry every night... I don't have any peace.

Will I ever be more than a used up girl?

A girl someone might want to keep?

Save me... Someone, please show me some grace.

Keep me from digging into my grave.

I'm all alone. I've been and will always be.

Coming back to the shell of a person I am, I truly feel her pain.

I'm only trying to protect her, she's the one who takes all the blame.

No one wants to see her, no one cares to hear her cries.

They would leave her even emptier, than she already is inside.

There's a hope that she holds onto, that someone will finally see...

See her for who she is and tell her that's all she has to be.

She hopes to be told that it'll be okay and there's more to this life...

Than to be held back and crucified for simply taking breath.

I know, however... that's not the truth.

That's why I must hide her, she can't ever show through.

The pain will be more, the loss will be more and she won't want to live.

I'm the only thing keeping her alive now, for she has nothing left to give.

All of what was once hers has been taken... It cannot be replaced.

Things like peace and innocence... they died that day.

She was shattered and ground like sand, that I now keep in a jar.

It was the only way for me to collect and keep all the pieces of her heart.

She believes me to be a villain and sometimes I almost give in...

But, as I said before... I know the truth. She won't want to live.

So, I tuck her back on the farthest shelf in the depths of my guarded mind.

Though she fights and fights to get out, I'm keeping her alive.

I will keep on pretending and wearing a smile...

I'll speak sweetly to others and laugh.

I will exude the utmost kindness...

I will carry all the weight on my back.

I choose to keep her hidden, because of something you'll now know.

She is not the only one holding onto hope.

I believe that one day, there will come a time...

She can finally be herself and live a truthful life.

One day she will find a home and someone full of love...

That will take the jar I hid so well and mend her broken heart.

One day, she will heal and no longer feel the pain...

All of those hauntings from the past caused her along the way.

She won't need me anymore to tell anyone "I'm fine".

She won't need me anymore to help keep her alive.

One day, she will be free... Free to truly live.

Until that day, she's safe with me... My hope won't give in.

Teenage yearsTabooSecretsFamilyCONTENT WARNINGChildhood
36

About the Creator

Amber

I love to create. Now I have an outlet for all the stories and ideas the flood my brain. If you read my stories, I hope you enjoy the journey as much, if not more than I.

Reader insights

Outstanding

Excellent work. Looking forward to reading more!

Top insight

  1. Heartfelt and relatable

    The story invoked strong personal emotions

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Comments (13)

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  • Ghulam Fayyaz3 months ago

    i think you are in Love

  • ROCK 3 months ago

    I feel you; your essence permeates throughout your writing. Pain is part of us all. Thank you for sharing a piece of you.

  • Kulshum Khatoon3 months ago

    I am deeply moved by your poignant and heartfelt expression. Your words are powerful, and they convey a profound sense of pain, resilience, and the internal struggle for survival. Your ability to articulate such complex emotions is truly admirable. Thanks for sharing this personal piece. 💚

  • Daphsam3 months ago

    Wow, very deep and personal. Thank you for sharing.

  • Kodah3 months ago

    Oh my god I love this! 💝

  • Naveed 3 months ago

    Terrific work! Keep it going—congratulations!

  • Durga Chikh3 months ago

    Excellent work

  • Lamar Wiggins3 months ago

    Wow! This was so descriptive, that I felt I was there with you, hoping we found a solution that works for us. Breaking out of it all the way we envision, can be tricky, especially without support. Hope all is well and Congrats on your Top Story.

  • Margaret Brennan3 months ago

    congratulations on TS. this was truly amazing.

  • Kageno Hoshino3 months ago

    This was exceptional

  • Tressa Rose3 months ago

    This was so beautiful. I felt it! Great job, well deserved 🙂

  • Caroline Jane3 months ago

    Fighting talk. Honest to the bone fighting talk. Love it. Well done. ❤

  • Naveed 3 months ago

    That was exceptionally well written.

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