I Am Not Your Savior

Things seem great, and you have finally turned a corner, and bam.

It’s like you walked into a brick wall and are now broken again. Well, it's not fully broken, but those healed parts are beginning to open and ooze out like you picked at a scab just because it’s there.

You get sucked back into the drama of another person and wonder yet again how did this happen.

I learned a lot about myself last year; I dedicated an entire year to healing and growing. I decided what I wanted in my life and began to get more confident and grow spiritually.

This year, I am choosing not to let fear rule my life.

That it is ok to feel; after years of covering up my feelings with booze, this was quite the realization. I cried more this past year than I have in my adult life.

Possibly, it is because I am growing older, and I do not want to be held back because I am scared. However, I need to discern what fear is vs. what is laying down a healthy border.

What is true love vs. what is deceit or manipulation from myself to myself or those who state they care about me?

I have a few friends, and we unconditionally love one another. Love is not transactional; it is unconditional, no matter what.

However, those who do not have unconditional love or have not learned how to love themselves will always lack this characteristic. And they will try to pull you into their tornado.

One that will suck you in, turn you around, and eventually, yes, they will spit you out and leave you just like Dorothy, confused and turned around.

After a few hours in bed licking my wounds, I have decided that is enough time to straighten myself out, as I am not the one who is broken anymore.

Maybe five years ago, I would have been writing this after drinking myself into a coma, but now I will shed a few tears, mostly feeling sorry for myself.

However, times have changed, I have grown, and I have come to accept that not everyone is meant to be in my life. I will not live in fear or regret, but I will lay solid and healthy boundaries for those I will allow.

Those who want to take from me and extract what they call my light will no longer be allowed to. I will preserve this for me and those worthy of receiving it.

It is not because I am afraid of being hurt. It is because I no longer want to participate in your tornado.

I have been tossed around enough in my life. I am in the driver’s seat, and I will now only choose to open the door for those already in the stages of healing, not those still falling down that black hole.

I can not be your hand or your rope to pull you up.

It is not my place to save anyone. I saved myself once, and leaning over that hole to save you is a spot I have chosen to remove myself from.

Not one that I will risk my health, spirituality, and sanity for. Tippy-toeing in line this week made me realize I will now take your word for it.

Even if you act a different way, words are sometimes more important than actions, and words always speak fear, and if your actions speak love, your words talk about fear.

Believe the words, as they are the ones that can cut deeper and always come from the head, not the heart. Unfortunately, most people prefer to keep their hearts guarded due to fear.

I choose differently. It has been a long road for me to be able to open my heart space, and now that I can, I do not want to close it ever again just because you cut me; they will heal.

It will remain open as if I do not have hope that genuine, honest, unfiltered love exists, then what is the point?

As hard as it is for me to feel my feelings, it is better than numbing them out and living in a place of fear. I will not be pulled into your dark hole or tornado; I will graciously accept you for your word and walk away.

Does this make sense? Probably not, as my brain needs a bit of ironing out.

Still in Colombia for one more month, my home search has been a bit rockier than expected, so I will move forward and feel my way through life, not fear my way.

XOXO

S