The scariest thing happened. The possibility of real love, real connection... real movement in my life popped up, and I almost had a heart attack.
What many do not understand is once your heart has been ran over, some parts of yourself will never be the same. So when I was presented with the very thing I had longed for and searched for most of my dating life... I froze.... It was like I had forgotten how to breathe.
The hurricane of emotions whirling around me was just too much to bear. I mean the instant shock of course. Someone taking the time to actually get to know me was insane. The consistency of our connection and conversation was too good to be true!! The natural chemistry, the unspoken understanding.
THEN, the winds turned dark. Fear swooped down over my internal city and the cute little buildings of hope and love went a-blazed.
What if he's just like the rest? What if his words are undercover lies, like pure honey waiting to catch me, have me stuck in his grasp to only lead me to my demise? Flirting and laughter only meant to cover his feline predator scent?
As my internal winds grew stronger, the stability of my fantastical city fell. Why would I want to do this to myself again? What do I honestly have to prove...how much pain can a person take? All these questions loomed in my temple.
On the outside, I looked fine. Worked at my normal pace. Handled conversations as I normally would. But on the inside, I felt like I was dying. I couldn't even think about love, relationships without instantly thinking the worse. And wanting so bad to change this, made it even worse. Forcing oneself to try and make connections with others have only done one thing throughout my whole life. Taken me off my course. And I decided, no more!
My internal city no longer centers around anyone outside of myself. It took a harsh reality that I was my own enemy. I am currently, in the process of re-building. My stability will now only be built on me. My strengths, my gifts, my happiness, my peace. Anything that does not fit into those categories no longer have a vacancy in my life.
Some prefer to have power over others, they love when their egos are rubbed and feel superior. I on the other hand, love knowing I have power over my own life. I make the decisions that will decide the quality of life I will live. Knowing this makes it easier for me to manage my city.
I have written this entry to help someone else. To connect with those who have also been burnt too many times during the journey of love. To comfort those currently experiencing their hurricane, their heart attack.. to let them know they matter, they deserve love. But before you make any rash decisions, love yourself first. That will be your compass to compare to if any other outside source trying to enter your city, deserves to even be granted entry. Then when the moment comes where you are offered love, it will feel familiar. Then you have a better standing on if this outside source deserves a lifetime admission into your world.
If you have read this entry up to this point, first and foremost I want to thank you for spending some time out of your day to read/consider my words and thoughts. Also, I want to make a space to ask my lovely readers what types of writing would you like me to focus more on? I love how expressive writing is! Two hundred people could write about the same thing, yet each individual's words will be felt differently and used differently. I love challenges and all forms of written expression. Poetry, short story, long stories, fiction, nonfiction, bibliographies, 1st person, 2nd person, 3rd person. Comment below I would love to hear your thoughts!