Hurt People Hurt People?

I don’t want to hurt anyone. I don’t want to be a bad person. I don’t want to disappear from one day to the next leaving people wondering what they did wrong. I don’t want to show someone love and passion only to take it away unexpectedly without any reason. I don’t want to hurt anyone. Maybe the saying is true, “Hurt people hurt people” It makes me uncomfortable to say I’m a hurt or damaged person but if I’m being honest that is the only way I can explain why I do the things that I do.

Is it selfishness? Is it being heartless? I don’t know, but what I do know is that I hurt those that are closest to me. The closer they want to get the more I draw back. I think it is selfish of me to want to keep people at a certain distance. It’s as if I can only offer a certain percentage of myself to them. The rest is closed and unavailable. I know it's me, I know that unless I work through this I will always hurt people.

So now I’m scared. Scared of new people, new friends and especially new romances. Scared of hurting someone who only wants to love me and have me in their life. Instead of feeling lucky to have people around who like me and want me in their life I am plagued by some invisible force to draw back. I think it’s fear, fear of being vulnerable and being hurt. I cannot bear the thought of being hurt by someone so instead I give them no chance by simply walking away. I realize this is cowardly of me. I realize I am stopping myself from finding out that there are people out there who will never hurt me.

Recently I met a new possible friend. She is wonderful and funny. The more we talked the more we liked each other. As time passed by she wanted me to visit her house, meet her husband and Mother. When she asked this of me, it immediately bothered me. Why couldn’t we just stay as casual friends? Why did we have to involve more people? Of course, I am aware that I am in the wrong here. A normal person would be grateful and honored that this new friend wants you to meet those most important in their life. Like I said, a normal person would, but for some reason that does not include me. I never went to her house, I never accepted any invitations and slowly I started to disappear from her life. Her number is still on my phone but we have not texted in a long time. This is what I mean when I say I hurt people by keeping them at a distance. Needless to say, each time it happens I tighten the reins even more and keep to myself to avoid this again.

When it comes to love it is even worse. In my opinion it's even worse because as we all have felt at one point the possibility of meeting the one can be exhilarating. I feel the exhilaration as well and offer my partner love and passion for a while. However, just like with friends I run out of gas quite quickly. The more this person loves me and includes me in his life the more I start to feel that old familiar pull to leave. Sooner or later that feeling takes over and I end up leaving and therefore hurting another person. Again, I know I’m in the wrong. I don’t know where these habits came from but I do know I have yet to overcome them. I do know one thing: I don't want to keep hurting people who only have good intentions in their heart.

I guess the saying is true, for me at least. As long as I am a hurt person I will not be able to do anything except hurt those who try to love me. It is frustrating to be so aware of all my problems but feel unable to fix them. It is frustrating to watch my emotions take over my body and mind and watch myself ruin things without being able to stop. It is heart wrenching to watch a relationship die by my own hand and not being strong enough to rescue it. It is infuriating to watch myself pretend to be stone cold when inside I am hurting. Perhaps one day I will be able to do all those things. If and when that day comes I believe I will be a very different person and I will no longer hurt people who love me.