Denying Myself

I’ve only recently noticed that I have not been doing a lot of things that I used to do. I have not been eating the things I used to love. I have not been out to places that I used to love. I have been denying all these things to myself without even noticing it, until now. A couple of days ago a friend of mine called and was asking how I was doing. I was happy to tell her that I am doing so much better. I did think I was doing better, especially since I was waking up everyday and going to work. Of course then my friend asked if I had done certain things or gone to certain places and to my surprise all my answers were no’s. I was unsure what to say to my friend so I gave her the old “there’s just no time” excuse while I continued listening to her and her adventures out in the world.

After we hung up the phone I sat there going over our conversation. Part of me was wondering if I was slowly rolling back into depression without realizing it. I also thought if perhaps my friend was asking too much of a person like me, I’ve never exactly been the adventurous type. While I sat there thinking I realized she was right. For the past few weeks I have been staying at home and not really buying any of the things I used to. Basically, I get up, go to work then come home. The thing is I have been feeling happy and productive doing what I have been doing. Until I talked to my friend I had not realized that some of my regular activities had ceased to exist. I thought perhaps this was just a new season for me in which I was changing my activities, like I said I still felt happy with myself. However, when I thought that what I could do was simply try one of my activities like buying myself a starbucks I felt a certain pull from inside. Somewhere in my brain I was stopping myself from getting that starbucks. The feeling felt a bit like a punishment. Some part of me was telling me I did not deserve that starbucks and I was not going to get it.

As I sat there realizing my new situation I came to the conclusion that I was not doing the things I liked to do because I was punishing myself. I was punishing myself without ever saying it out loud, I just automatically denied myself everything. I then remembered I had done things like this before in my life, especially when I was younger. I would deny myself food, fun and anything that would cause happiness. While I am now out of depression and feeling a bit more joy, it seems like some part of me is still very angry with me. This part of me is denying certain joys from myself. The only strange thing is this time I was not aware of my actions until I spoke to my friend.

Like I said I am getting up everyday and going to work and feeling normal. But somewhere down the line I have tightened myself up and have been living a very different type of life that I used to have before my last depression. I had not been to my favorite places to eat in months. The more I thought about it the more it surprised me how I have been treating myself and again without really realizing it. I’m fairly certain I am doing this to myself because I am punishing myself, it is as if my guilty conscience believes I don’t deserve any rewards after being so ungrateful for my life. I know this is just another flaw within myself that I need to work on. I’m trying not to think too much about it since I have been doing so much better and I don’t want to fall back again.

I have been working hard on myself and so I don’t want this new found occurrence in my life to derail me. I don’t want to obsess about it and have it lead me to another depression. Now that I’ve realized I have it I just want to try and get over it. I know eventually I will. It is hard to explain to friends and family that I am doing the best I can at this very moment. I feel happier but cannot show it exactly how I know they want me to show it. I must be patient with myself and accept myself if I want to eventually get back to a state of being in which I don’t feel the need to deny myself anything subconsciously or not. Just wanted to share another one of my discoveries in my complicated journey.