How The Twilight Saga: New Moon had an impact on how I date.

I remember when this movie first came out in 2009, I was in 7th grade and I went to the theaters three times to see it. Once was a birthday party, one my friend invited me to go see it with her and the other we stayed out extra late to go to the very first premier of it at the Carmichael theater in our home town.

I mean who wouldn't want to see Taylor Lautner's heart throbbed tan skin toned body on the big screen. Yes, for me, I was always team Jacob, although honestly, saying that makes me cringe now. Nonetheless, I think I have re-watched this series a few times over the years, but this last time hit different.

I went to the gym to work out and the one I go to has a cinema room that you can run on the elliptical or treadmill while watching a movie. I am typically more of a work out to music kind of girl, but with my limited time in the day, I had been craving watching a show, so I thought why not combine working out and watching a movie.

Now, maybe I was feeling extra cynical that day or I was really focusing on the inside attributes to the movie to not focus on the time spend on the elliptical, but I began to notice the qualities in Bella as a character and her relationships with men being similar to mine.

Now, how me and millions of people found ourselves infatuated with this series is beyond me, because the acting gets worse every time I watch it, but ironically, I still can quote certain lines to the movie perfectly.

We all know the plot, because no way you clicked on this page and haven't seen the movie. Bella moves to Forks Washington as the brooding personality less human she is and finds herself memorized by Edward Collen's who took an interest to her. To fast forward through the first movie, he protects her from some gang bangers, she finds out he's a vampire, almost gets killed and ultimately is so severely attached to him that if he died, she would die.

Now we're caught up to the second movie where Edward decides that its to dangerous for her to be around him, so his family disappears from Forks. As any teenager feels, hell as anyone who has lost anyone has ever felt, she fell into a dark depression. One thing I think they really captured in this movie is a true essence of depression. How time just continues on, but you don't. How you would do anything to feel something or to be heard by that someone but how you just live in your mind, yet there isn't really a point to anything. Maybe a part of me related to that feeling after losing someone I loved more than anything.

Bella was told she should leave Forks by her dad after several months of depression. To convince him otherwise, she starts hanging around (Pre wolf Jacob), slowly but surly she starts to feel better, the comfort of Jacob lessened the pain of being alive without Edward, at least when she was around him. I have been there, I have felt that. This is where I started noticing the similarities.

Since the last six years of dating, I feel like I constantly chase that feeling of being wanted, being loved. The feeling of just being alive isn't the same as the intoxication of being in love, having someone who makes you feel safe while feeding your adrenaline. In this movie, Edward made Bella's world turn, and Jacob made her world stay in place. Bella even though wasn't looking to replace Edward, still used the use of someone caring for her to feel safe, to feel anything. I feel like I have been there. These past six years, I haven't been on my own for more than a few months. I feel like I know myself, but the part of me who I used to be without dating doesn't exist anymore. That like Bella, I rely on significant others of the opposite sex to feel something more than just existing. Saying that, honestly scares me and questions my motives of who I am with who I date.

On the other hand, Bella shows several instances of disregard for her life, in hopes of attracting Edward back to "Save her". For example, chasing the adrenaline on the motorcycle and crashing, only for Jacob to so handsomely come to her rescue. Then she jumped off the cliff, no way she really thought she was going to survive that full clothed. Once again Jacob took her pale skinned ideocracy body and brought her back to life and embraced her in his arms. There is one instance on crushing on a character in a movie, and another living my life thinking if I need some handsome man to pick me up into their arms every time I feel like I don't want to exist. I remember in one of my relationship, I would feed off the attention my partner would give to me when I was in pain or in trouble or anxious. Not that I wanted to be in those states, but how it would draw their attention to me. Writing this, I feel like someone insane, but honestly, I grew to think this way because of the movies I grew up on.

I am by no means saying being cared about is a toxic way of thinking, but how Bella acts is so drawn to the dependency of these men in her life, I have often found myself in a similar boat of thinking. Like how she sent all those emails to Alice, in order to stay connected or how she talks to Edward as if he can hear her. I feel like I live with my previous relationship in my past but almost nod to things they have said to me in my daily life. I have disregarded friendships because of my attraction to someone cold and intriguing like Edward, I have asked someone I have been romantic with to stay in my life just because they made me feel supported and cared about. I have found myself in the place of Bella minus the fantasy creatures. This character I so easily wrote off as a teenager for being a moody self diminishing dependent bland woman, has now become a version of myself.

Honestly, this look at myself scares me a little bit, as I have estranged myself from who I was before I met someone who loved me or showed me love. I wish I didn't have this sense of dependency for someone to take care of me, for someone to adore me and for someone to notice if I was drowning, but I do. I think everyone has the needs to be wanted, but watching this movie back, makes me wonder if it had an impact on how I date and who I look for. Yes we had Hunger Games and Divergent with the Independent badass woman, but even them always had a guy who was a supportive and gentle character to be embraced. Maybe that's just a way of life, or maybe we all crave some eye candy in movies. Nonetheless, I saw some serious connections between my life and Bella as a character and her relationship with men.