Brain vs. Body

I know I have a little bit of time to still decide this, but as a woman I feel like I am on a time clock to make a life altering decision. Inherently, I have never desired to carry my own child as some do, but even when I was in love, my envision of having a family included the children starting at or around five years of age and up.

However, a small child came into my work today that couldn't be any older then one and a half or two. She gave me a big smile as I waved at her and she bolted towards me in her little pink snow pants and white turtle neck. I remained reserved until she asked me to pick her up, the mom gave me permission and I held her for a brief moment.

In that brief moment, my body fluttered, and not in the "Oh she is so cute" kind of way, although she was, but in a way that that I could feel my body yearn for that experience, that connection. If I were to look at this logically, there are still two sides. On one side, I do believe woman's bodies were either created or manifested to reproduce. as a woman myself , I have felt these changes in my body the last few years. Whether it is my increased sex drive, how my hips, thighs and butt have widened or that weird sensation I get in my your uterus when I see a child (I swear it is a thing). There is defiantly a natural woman element to conceiving a child. Nonetheless, my brain screams me the other way.

My brain looks at a baby or child an can decipher the reasons not to despite their adorable faces. For one, and maybe its because I am still young in my life and career for this generation, but I do not make enough money to support a child, and I am hell bent against being in a one income relationship. Two, I am not currently in a relationship. Not that you technically have to be, but the family I have imagined, did include a life partner of sorts. Three, plays off reason one, which is I have so much I desire to do and discover for myself before raising a kid into this world. I believe you shouldn't have a child, until you are willing to put yourself second to all their needs. That's what they deserve, and where I am now, I couldn't imagine doing that. Four, the world is so messy. Am I blessed for my life, yes, but I cant imagine navigating a toddler to teen through the wavering ways of growing up. Trust me, it was no easy feet for me either. Last but not least, Five, I don't believe love truly lasts forever, or the desire to be with one person for your whole life at least. Morbid, I know, I am not saying, I am not a romantic. I am a romantic and I would love to have one true love that my relationship grows through life with. Nonetheless, ultimately and practically people change, people grow apart and love sometimes doesn't last even when you work for it. With that being said, I cant imagine making a life time commitment as a child is, for someone that may not be a life long partner, its not fair to them.

In no means am I saying your life ends with a child, or that we as people are not supposed to grow or change in those relationships. However, I have seen the effects on children of divorce and I have seen mine or other parents not live a life of "In love" with their partner, for the sake of their kids or because that is what is most stable. I don't think I want that. Could I have a forever love, possibly, but not probably.

Now, this is no judgment on anyone who is married and taking that step for children, or the ones who have landed on any of my reason not to have kids. This is not me writing to judge, but to merely tell you my feeling about this. I have family members who have taken this next step of life and they are beautiful parents, and I support them for every decision they make, because its theirs to make. When my brother gets to that point of life, I cant wait to be an aunty and motherhood is beautiful …. and messy. There will always be people with the desire that children are what they want their life will be about, but I am still not convinced I am one of those.

My best friend dreams to be a mother, she want the picket fence, family holidays, school bake sales, she was wants the dream. I have always been more intrigued by the idea of fostering then conceiving. Maybe because it spares my body, or because you are providing a life for someone who was brought in to the world on a tilted scale. I understand the difficulty of the system and I am no where near that stage of life, but this form of parenting has always been of interest to me. It is probably because of the people my mom brought into our life that we influenced to be the people they are today. I desire to help make that change in someone's life, but for me it doesn't have to start at their day one.

In all honesty, I still have an upward of seven to ten years to make these decisions. As well as I am lucky enough to have accessible birth control so I have the opportunity to make decision like these. Overall, I believe whom ever my partner will be may be a persuasion in these decisions. In the mere fact that when I hear someone doesn't want kids, that is still a deterrent for me, but for those who know they want kids, I still feel resistant towards them as well. It may just have to be a wait and see kind of thing, which is not my strong suit. I am defiantly more on the wait side of things as of right now and perfectly happy living in the sometime soon to be aunty stage of life.