How I pulled myself out of a self-destruction, doom, and gloom rut, and you can too

¨All the Ajax in the world ain’t gonna clean your dirty laundry.¨ Carrie Underwood.

Oh lordy, ain’t that the truth!

Apparently, my Spotify playlist was playlist labeled ¨scorned¨. I definitely did not make it, but I usually find a song I want and play the entire playlist.

No, I am not feeling scorned, and usually, that is not a feeling that I prefer to stay in, but the songs are pumping me up. I should change the name to Scorned once but let’s dance it out.

Which I might have done in the hostel kitchen. It’s a country playlist, in case you are wondering.

I have been a country music fan since I was born, and I am not ashamed, even when I meet foreigners, and they ask all snarky:

¨so you like country western? ¨

Which makes me laugh when they call country western. I say yes; I like country music. Only people not from the US call it the Country Western, and my grandfather.

After I say yes, and go on to tell them that, most likely, the rock bands they love were once inspired by a good ole boy. They change the subject.

Today I exchanged some items from my suitcase, and this morning, I went thrifting. Did you know that Tbilisi, Georgia, has a ton of thrift shops, one or two per block?

I found one across from my hostel, so I got a couple of shirts and a pair of shorts. In return, later tonight, I brought them two shirts and shorts that no longer made me feel good about myself or my body.

Why should I wear clothing that makes me look and feel frumpy?

I will no longer; I have also been listening to a lot of Brendan Burchard, thanks to a friend’s recommendation. I have read his books, but last week I was in a bit of a creative slump, the algo kicking my butt, me questioning my life, wondering what am I even doing.

You know the downward spiral that we all go into when things ¨aren´t going our way¨.

I told this friend I was burnt out, and he sent me the Burchard podcast, and I am hooked. He said to listen to one episode daily, and I guarantee it will change your perception. It did.

I started the other day by telling myself:

¨I am in a creative rut¨, why am I even writing? Do I even want to continue writing? It’s pointless¨.

I was beating myself up; I love to write and felt misaligned and without direction. Today I was listening to one episode, and he talked about the feeling of burnout is usually boredom, and it was, and not only was it boredom, but I was not living in the present.

I was living in a future that was not even certain. Yes, he talks about setting goals and talking about them, but don’t forget about the present.

I forgot about the present.

That stimulated my little wardrobe overhaul; I always said when I settle, I will get nicer clothing; why wait? I had an outfit on today that I absolutely hated; I ditched it. I thrifted, so it’s not like I broke the bank.

I often do that. I get so worked up on what I want to achieve that I forget what I am acquiring now and my short-term goals. Yet my short-term goals are what is going to fund my long-term goals.

Except, I noticed thinking about my long-term goals was beginning to make me anxious; it was a ¨maybe¨ and a ¨ I think I can, I think I can¨ instead of ¨it is happening, and I can¨.

It is also because I have no direction and too many options, which is good but can also be a problem. I am someone who needs something to work toward. No longer is ¨enough money to travel sufficient for me¨.

Now is the time to hone in on my goals, what I want, and what I want to create on a bigger picture. In case you are all wondering, it has not changed, except I started to waiver in my conviction.

I want to write, and I want to have a farm; more specifically, I want to raise honey bees, and I want to live in Latin America, most likely Colombia.

For a while, I got caught up in the bureaucracy of ¨how will I get a visa¨ how can I stay there¨ ¨how can I buy a farm¨. I let it all go.

I will return, rent, and figure out the visa there or in another country, but most of you already know where my heart lies. It doesn’t happen to be a coincidence a friend sent me a message regarding this, and another friend has reached out to speak about their business which I helped get him organized while I was on his farm.

So if I have the vision for someone else, why not me?

Today as I was walking and listening, Brendan said what is the one thing holding you back? I did not have to think; it was/is fear. That is it.

Except when lying on my deathbed, I do not want to tell those around me I never bought and raised bees because I was afraid I would fail. It is scary to find and enjoy a home, especially for me.

Since I was 18, I have never lived in one place longer than 1.5 years, in one apartment or house. I have lived in the same city but moved all over the city every year.

I was afraid of growing roots because what if something terrible happens?

Since I had experience with loss and the pain too great, I could not even fathom it happening again, so I stayed on guard for way too long. That guard has been removed and will never return.

I wondered why I had such a hard breakup. I was crushed, uprooted, and I survived. I got through it in one piece. Yet in the past, even though nothing terrible happened, I still never grew roots because I was afraid.

Living in Colombia was the one time I allowed myself to grow roots, not 100% but they were latched it, just not fully there. Which was more than I have ever allowed since leaving Kentucky when I was 13.

Now the thought of growing scares me, I think of the economy and the instability, and then I think if I had followed 1 of my 100 crazy ideas when I was living in LA, what could have happened? I didn’t, and everything still worked out just as planned, but I never want to have those ¨what if’s ¨ ever again.

So when I try and fail, I will try again and again; Now I am not one to give up easily.

I had significant stress this month regarding income. As we all know, the summer slump is accurate, and I figured it out.

It will be a good month, and I will keep going. It is all how I looked at everything I was saying; it was terrible, and of course, it was. Yet it was like a light switch as soon as I changed my outlook (yes, grandma adjusted my attitude, I haven’t changed since I was 16).

It’s amazing what a little light and advice from a true friend can do., as well as a bit of music and some dancing around the room; try it. NOW!

XOXO

S