Homesick, what is next?

It creeps up on you, homesickness. One day you are having fun with a bunch of strangers and then your sister sends a video of your family and you remember that you traded time with family to experience the world.

Seeing their laughter and realizing truly the difference of being in person vs chatting with them online in the random moments that line up for you is a bit heartbreaking. You miss seeing and experiencing life with them, hearing their laughter and seeing their smiles- being able to hug them and be there when they are going through a tough time.

Same goes for friendships. I miss being able to experience life with Sarah rather than the occasional calls. I had met this girl in Wellington who started crying because her family had made her feel bad about missing the funeral for her cousin. They also blamed her for his death as he was inspired by her riding a motorcycle, the vehicle that ultimately lead to his death at 18 years old. She wasn't able to attend because even if she got on a plane there and then, she would've missed the funeral as it was happening the following day and with the time difference she wouldn't have been able to make it. The guilt she had is heartbreaking but is also a reminder to me that if I choose to live abroad- what would happen?

How would a marriage work? Would my family not be able to see my children grow up abroad? I truly feel that I would need my mom to be by my side when I have my first child and I would be completely heartbroken if the distance made that not possible. Whenever a family crisis happens, flying home would be so expensive.

My parents, if I'm lucky only have another 20-30 years on them. I guess in retrospect that seems like a lot. But I just know they'll fly by- and not going to the holidays would really make me sad. If I wasn't there during my grandma's last moments, I'd feel so guilty. I really do need a remote job just in case I ever need to go home if I am in Australia.

I missed my grandpa's funeral. I never considered going back home for it.

Funerals are the one time a whole family usually gets together and it is most likely the last time that we'll see their side of the family. I didn't and still don't know how to feel about it. I never truly viewed my Lolo, tagalog word for grandpa, as a huge part of my life.

He showed up to give us money and that was it. I never had a proper conversation with the man and don't know anything about him besides from what I heard from my grandma who divorced him. As you may safely assume, her opinions on him were a bit biased. He was lazy and a womanizer in her eyes. All he cared about was relaxing and having an easy life while my grandma worked hard for the future generations to have more opportunities then they had growing up and living in the Philippines.

I've been traveling since September 1 and have been away from family for more than a month. It isn't very long, but I am homesick.

If it goes well when I am in Malaysia, I think I will want to do a year abroad in Australia and see where it goes with Loki. I want to take the risk if it could mean a lifetime of happiness and love with my future husband.

Maybe I can just work with a touring company for a bit and enjoy a break from working in-office. Then go back to recruiting when unemployment isn't as awful.

That'd be great and see where my life is from there. I can always do side jobs, right? I don't know the full details of a working holiday in Sydney.

I can always look into becoming a student too. When would I want to move? How much money do I want to save prior? So many questions!

There's so many options in life, how do we know what to choose from?