Home Alone

Having a complicated relationship with Home. People say it's where the heart is, meaning no matter who you are with or where you are in the world, the home will always have the deepest emotional pull. It is the place where you should have a foundation of love, warmth, and happy memories. It may not always be the environment itself, but being near your loved ones is what your heart desires sometimes.

But where does that leave the woman with the abandoned inner child? Sometimes I wish my confidence, radiance, compassion, and power originated from the nurturing reality of others' support, but it did not.

I was okay with perceiving my relationship with my mother on a pedestal of Everything was and is okay. I subconsciously told myself that I have to save her from the feeling of failure as a parent because she has not failed me, especially under the circumstances and resources she was given to raise me in my upbringing.

So many sacrifices she made that I was not even aware of. But I think often, would I be doing myself a service by suppressing how I felt becoming who I am today?

Having a mother who needed mothering from me, taught me how to love unconditionally, how to stay strong under the most unexpected circumstances, how to be responsible, and independent so early showed me how to mask my emotions, how to be patient, understanding and that everything has a price to pay.

My mother was my best friend for many years and present-day I see why I experienced so many issues with the people I called "friends" (especially my feminine friends), I overextended myself time and time again, I stuck around when I was not wanted, I hardly knew when I was irritated or annoying them, I thought unconditional love was in a nutshell to have no boundaries. I thought being “twins'', similar, being so alike was okay in my friendships until I saw a part of my identity being taken from me with every friendship. I thought the bittersweet jokes that were just laughs but secretly hurt me were okay because that is“unconditional” love.

To be there whenever your mother/friend needs or wants you, no if's and's, or but’s about it.

I learned of course that everything I had perceived as friendship, love, and loyalty, was simply me being small in my reality, playing it safe to save and repair our friendship.

I suppressed my identity, thoughts, emotions to be enough for my mom.

I had been fearful to let myself down and my mother. I see how determined I have been to show her that I want her in my life but do not need her. She has not witnessed the amount of mothering I gave/give to myself. I realized how this translated into looking at failure equating to asking for help. I resent the thought of asking or receiving help when that was all I needed.

But every day I break free from the letdowns of my childhood by simply acknowledging that I was an only child who carried what felt like the weights of the world.

The universe would never expect you to love if it did not give you the love to give to others, and would it expect you to be patient if they did not teach you patience through adversity.

The greatest gift I can give myself is, what I lacked as a child. My longing for the right amount of nurturing can be restored through myself, the love I show myself, and the people who show up for me. Do what I desired as a child, practicing my freedoms.

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You can also check out my recent piece “ Starting from scratch” here: