Hello Darkness My Old Friend…

You know the feeling. You wake up and it’s a struggle to get out of bed. You can barely manage to brush your teeth and get a shower let alone deal with actual life. Everything is a chore. None of your hobbies give you any joy. Difficult things become impossible and easy things become difficult. It’s like living underwater with a lead vest.

We all have days like this. Some depressing days are totally normal. I’ve been feeling like this for two weeks with no end in sight. I’m managing to do the bare minimum like go to Alcoholics Anonymous, not drink, go to the gym, write, and take my dog out.

I used to look forward to walks with my dog. But during this depressive episode, my brain attacks me when I try to do anything. I’ll walk my dog on one of the nice trails in town. It’s usually something I look forward to but now it is daunting. I know my brain will attack me while I’m walking. It nags at me like a rotting tooth needing to be extracted.

Who are you to try writing?

Everyone is going to think you’re crazy.

Nobody will ever hire you.

You’ll never get a job and a normal life. Nobody likes you.

These are all the usual suspects that my depression uses to convince me I’m worthless. It’s hard to do anything at all when you are under attack on all fronts. Your brain knows all your deepest thoughts and feelings and it knows how to use them against you.

Depression is always there to make me criticize myself. It’s like the antagonist in my story. But you can’t escape from this antagonist, it’s also your roommate and the apartment is tiny. It’s like a shadow following me around critiquing every single thought I have and every single action I take.

I take solace in the fact that this too shall pass. The paradoxical thing about depression is that when you’re in the middle of a depressive episode you feel like it’s never going to end. When you are out of the depressive episode you forget that it could ever get that bad again.

I am lucky in some ways. I’m still sober, I have the tools to deal with these episodes, and I have experience on my side. I know this will end, it always does.

I’m capable of never letting depression go to extremes. I can fight it and keep it at bay, never reaching its final form. I don’t get suicidal anymore. I’ve found my purpose and it’s bigger than any one thing. I want to use my experiences to help others struggling with mental health and addiction issues. I want to become an amazing storyteller to get my message out there to those who need it.

So for now all I can do is power through. The best medicine for my depression is for me to work harder on my recovery, at the gym, at writing, and everything healthy. It’s incredibly difficult and painful at times, but it’s worth the effort. This is the best way for me to beat my depression.

I am hopeful for all of us out here struggling with mental health problems. We got this.

“I have depression. But I prefer to say, ‘I battle’ depression instead of ‘I suffer’ with it. Because depression hits, but I hit back. Battle on.”

— Anonymous