Heartbreak

you know how sometimes you break up with someone and you don’t instantly think “ oh my god why? How could you do this to me?”

Sometimes it looks like a slap in the face to the person who used to hold your world in their hands and you snap back with “you arrogant jerk. You really thought I would care if you left? Ha!!! Have a nice life.”

Then you storm off feeling as confident as ever and you go out with some friends who are asking you about them everyday trying to make sure you’re really good.

A few months goes by and you see them at that one coffee shop or that one book store where they stole your heart and used some cheap dorky pickup line that you absolutely adored.

You smile at the memory but, quickly wipe it away because the feeling of hurt and pain and regret wash away any feelings you may still have lingering near where your heart used to thrive.

Then three years later you see them again. This time you are so shocked because, you see what you always wanted but could never get them to accomplish for you.

They have a little one and a dog. They have matching outfits and they look super fit and healthy. They are holding hands and not complaining about sweaty palms.

You follow just a little to see what they do when they go into the restaurant. The chair was pulled out and they are constantly smiling.

Here comes the waiter. See this is where it always went south. They always look at the waiter and size them up.

Hold on.

No size up? All eyes on their partner? Seriously?

You never got that. You never were able to keep their attention for so long.

But it’s okay you are better off without them yeah?

So why does it hurt so bad?

Why can’t you just walk away and leave it alone?

I know why.

Because somewhere in what you guys had you really didn’t have anything. The tangibility of your love wasn’t nearly as graspable as what you see in front of you.

The memories start to flow and you can remember every good thing. You can remember every night you were held close and you held them back. You can remember every argument that was diffused by a simple dad joke or accidental dribble of spit falling out of one of your mouths.

The late nights on the phone that made you both late for work the next day.

The ice cream in bed when you had cramps. The soup on cold days wrapped up in their sweater and a big blanket so you wouldn’t freeze to death.

You can remember the attention to detail when it came to getting you a gift that you absolutely loved. All your favorites wrapped in a bag and a box for your birthday or just to say thank you.

Always watching your favorite movies and tv shows regardless of who’s turn it was to pick.

But what you really remember is the fact that you can’t remember their favorite color. The way they take their coffee or tea. What restaurant they enjoy. Which movies or tv shows they enjoy.

Your heart starts to tear into two and a lump grows stronger in your throat as you watch on and remember. The taste in your mouth becomes bitter.

Your eyes well up with tears and small gasps of air escape your mouth.

You try hard to remember what made them laugh and how sweet they looked when you held their hand. But wait you couldn’t hold their hand. You had a phobia. You couldn’t hug them back all because you were broken too many times to trust them.

You never said I’m sorry after a fight. Always expected to be treated justly yet never reciprocated the Justice.

A million and one reasons to leave you and it took them so long to notice. And it took you even longer to realize.

So you walk into the restaurant and stand next to their partner. You look down with tears in your eyes and say.

“Please love them more than I ever could have. Don’t hurt them like I did.” You turn to your former partner

“I’m sorry that I couldn’t do this for you. It may not be my place but, I’m glad you got away from me. I was an anchor that never let you set sail. I hope you travel far in life.”

Was it worth it? Of course.

Did it hurt? Well, yeah.

But it needed to be done. The words needed to be said.

You lived a life full of misunderstanding and always hiding away not knowing how to love someone.

You realized how awful you been and readjust your way of thinking. You never look back you just walk away wipe the tears from your eyes and move forward into your new life.

It will take some time to heal but, maybe instead of breaking another heart you will be able to mend one just like your exes partner did for them. You see what true love and affection look like so now you have something to work toward.

No more hiding behind flawed senses of Justice and worthiness. Or a false sense of an adaptation of what you thought love was. It’s time to stop hiding behind the previous pains and start treating people with respect.

No more hideaways and no more heartbreaks.

You’ve got it figured out now so step into happiness and make someone happy as you go.