Girlhood

Part of healing is also forgiving yourself for allowing certain things to happen. While on my healing journey, I discovered that I felt angry that I had a part of me, taken from me. The innocent part of me. At 21 years old, I decided to put my trust and love into someone who was 5 years older than me. Thinking because this person was older, that he would take care of me and cherish me, but I had to come to find out that wasn't the case at all.

Not to say he didn't care for me financially and what not, because he did. He did everything a man providing for a family was "supposed" to do. What I mean is, he didn't protect me from losing my innocence. I got pregnant at 23, not married, not living together, not financially stable. By no means am I saying it was all on him, it takes two to tango, clearly. What I mean is why didn't he, at 28, think to prevent a pregnancy out of wedlock or make distinctive action to prepare to lead a family. This whole time I was blinded in to thinking I had someone who was going to take action and do what was needed to build a home and a life with. (Mind you, I have a specific faith-filled reason why I think this way, and he was well aware of it.)

23 years old turned into 25 and we had a two year old but still no change. Living with each other's parents in between that time with no sign of us actually moving out. At that point, there's not much I can do as a stay-at-home mom, but try to remain positive and supportive but I'd be lying if I said I didn't have several moments when I was wondering why it felt like there was no actions behind words being spoken. Of course, there's always things I could have done differently. I suppose I really trusted in him and the words that he said. It was a dangerous line to walk on, mentally, because I could either slip into a depression of some sorts or I could keep praying and hoping for a brighter tomorrow. So I held onto the tomorrow.

Ultimately, you know how this story ends, and if not then you can go read my past stories. However, reflecting on it all, I remembered I used to get angry at the fact that I was robbed of my first engagement, my first wedding, my first pregnancy announcement, amongst other firsts. All the things that young girls grow up fantasizing about in their girlhood. Now navigating a whole new culture of dating, at 27, it's different in so many ways. Many good things and a few not so good, but it's hard not to feel some sort of loss because from 21 to 26 I let go of my innocence and my girlhood to take on full blown adult roles as a woman, not knowing that I would end up losing it and myself in the process.

Unfortunately, those years I can never get back. However, I did get a gift in return, and that was to be back in my childhood home, with my sisters and see girlhood through their eyes, and in a way let me relive mine too. I have been able to watch Twilight marathons again, blast Taylor Swift songs and sing to our hearts content, laugh about silly and meaningless things, paint our nails, do our makeup, and just be a girl. This is the part when I take my girlhood back and enjoy it, because it is mine.